The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I have been told many times I need to work my program.. I agree very much I do.. I need to gain my sanity back and let go and move out if my sons way and pray for him.. Some say he has hope. He's been down this road before and he has the tools to not go back where he was. I wish so much I was working my program strong all the while when he was in recovery so I would have known how to handle this situation again. My heart just breaks..
What matters is you work your program now. You aren't hurting so much because of what you did or didn't do. All that matters is now. Let go Gaby. You are obsessing. Pray and let go. Call your sponsor...let go. Every time you mull over the past and obsess over your son, you are taking your will back. That's your own addictive process. Do fun stuff. Enjoy your daughter and other relationships. Treat yourself kindly. You keep saying you should have or should be working your program...just do it. Give it to God and let go. Repeatedly...
Start reading....read everything you can get your hands on. Read the Al-anon books/ literature everyday. Listen at meetings and share at meetings. I am so grateful I now don't obsess much anymore and learning everyday to deal with my problem. I can except what my son is doing because I am powerless to do anything for him. I can slip up once in a while but I can also get back up on that horse and continue my program. YOU can get there to.....I know this for a fact....because I did it.
I'm learning every day, one day at a time to become healthier and at peace with myself....so you too can have it my friend
Look at the first 3 steps and read them over and over,
Say the serenity prayer every hour if you have to.
Read a page each day in the One Day at a Time book and think about you read and journal about it and how you can improve your way of thinking
Say the words.... Let Go Let God to help you both.
Finally....Obsessing about him is not going to cure him is it????...it's only going to make you sicker and sicker. Help yourself first and then you will have a better perspective on how to deal with you son.
We care Gaby and you are in our prayers
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I see somewhat of the same thing at times in AA. It's when we have to tell the person that in order to work AA they have to be willing to stop drinking. A person will be going to meetings and they know the big book and yet they keep drinking... You have to be willing to change Gaby. Are you ready to change as a person? Do you want to stop obsessing and suffering? Because to work your Alanon program truly, you will need to abandon your old ways and not cling to them. You aren't going to feel better skipping work and worrying. Get busy.
This is not to say that I don't empathize and know how awful it is to have someone you care about so deeply be an addict, but I just want you to start living in the solution. You are in alanon to change. To stop these behaviors. Allowing yourself to take whole days to worry and obsess is not too different than your son taking a whole day to use drugs. He needs to work his program to not do that and you need to work yours to not engage in your self-sabotaging behavior/thoughts.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 6th of December 2013 08:44:26 AM
You have had some great suggestions Gaby, I know where you are coming from. I have felt this way too for many years. Obsessing about other people serves a purpose for us. While we are focusing on them we don't have to look at ourselves. Its like distracting ourselves from the real issues which are painful to look at but if we take courage and look we might find that we can do something about ourselves. There is nothing you can do about your son and there is nothing I can do about mine and it is hard to break the habits of a lifetime but it can be done. I know for me there is always that little part of me that has another plan or solution, but it is madness because we spend so long thinking of them that we are neglecting ourselves and other people who deserve better from us.
In my experience, my self esteem and confidence were so low, there was a part of me that hated myself and I was scared to look at who I was and so it was easier to focus on the shortcomings and failings of other people. I didnt realise that my behaviour, thoughts and actions needed work. I made choices based on everyone else, what I thought was good for them and I manipulated everyone around me. When people did not behave the way I wanted I acted like a child would. When we live with addiction we can become addicted. I was addicted to being a martyr and wallowing in self pity. I thought 'Im such a good person, look what I do for everyone and I get treated so badly' Poor me!!! I had to take a good look at myself and accept my failings but stop justifying them. I would behave badly and I thought it was okay because look at how I was living, if they didnt drink/drugs then I wouldnt have said/done that!!! I had to look at all my shortcomings and forgive myself, that has been so liberating, it has removed lots of my guilt and I learned that it was guilt that kept me locked into this insane obsessing and worrying about my son. I have had a distorted view of what a Mother is for years. I thought I should have been able to control my sons life and save him from the world and when I couldnt I took it as a personal failing. alanon has helped me put myself back into the right place. I mean, I am only 1 human being just like everyone else, Im not special, I dont have special powers, I cant tell the future and I cant control another human being, my son included. Im not God.
Ive also learned that I have a duty to myself. I must live my own life and stop giving my son an unrealistic impression of his own importance. I mean there was a time when I did not talk about anyone or anything else but him. He was on my mind every hour of every day. The rest of my family resented him for that and he just behaved like a spoiled brat who is the centre of the universe. He walked all over me and why wouldn't he? When I think of this I cant believe how far I have came. I still have lots to do because I can behave the same way from time to time and I have been unable to completely let him go yet but I have let go of so much and Im taking care of myself much better today.
Get into your program, put the focus on back on your own life, he has a better chance if you do? Your worrying and obsessing is sending him the message that he is a victim, leave him alone and send him the message that he is a survivor instead.x
We come to Alanon for help. As much as it may seem like it's about him, it isn't- whatever brings you here is now about you. After an embarrassing amount of years spent in rationalization and denial, I have come to find that Alanon is the most efficient way to serenity. I fought it for a long time, because change does not come easily and I didn't want to let go of what I thought should be...what I desperately wanted, but could not force into being.
The magic of Alanon comes as we show up and are willing to work the steps. Take action. The miracles come when we take action and are in motion. Walking the program one foot in front of the other (even when you might not feel like it, stuck in pondering the hows and whys, or are distracted or unmotivated, fearful, or other inconveniences), one day at a time. Continue to show up and be willing. Do it. Get to a meeting, then grab a sponsor.
