The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After over 2 weeks of hiding in his room, drinking, playing computer games, being a complete and utter A to me (interpret that how you will) and refusing to do anything about his job-situation, ABF's brother came to visit and managed to inspire him to come out of his room and rejoin the human race.
I wasn't feeling like playing pretend and I told ABF, nicely, that I didn't wish to argue and that I was happy to have company but that I was not prepared to have him kiss and cuddle me and pretend to be a lovely family-man for the sake of company. So could we please be civil but avoid big displays of affection or making references to me as if I was his "happy little woman". I wasn't trying to be unkind, I just couldn't stomach another round of playing make-believe for the guests. He complied and we had a pleasant, civil time but he asked me later what he could do to fix things between us. I told him, basically, that I am done trying and that I don't have anything left to give to the relationship. I didn't plan the words, they just came out.
This morning he asked me to help construct a letter to his employer and I did. Maybe that was enabling, I don't know, but he has extremely poor literacy skills which he is embarrassed about so I spent a couple of hours listening to his story and writing it down for him and in the end constructed a heart-breaking saga filled with fear and despair, and terrible terrible remorse over not making contact sooner to explain his side of the story...lol. I guess I had a little fun making it convincing. His distress seems to be quite genuine and the events that he describes would freak anyone out; violence, threats etc that he maintains he did nothing to provoke. What isn't OK is the way he (didn't) handle it, nor the way he has blamed me for it and taken it out on me for the past 2 weeks. So anyway I wrote it, right or wrong and he took it to work and came back very happy with the news that his employment "has not been terminated at this stage" and his boss is "sympathetic". Whatever that means. Let that be the end of my role in the saga, please. I was more than ready to be caring and supportive in the beginning but he blew it by taking it out on me ever since so I don't want to be involved at all now.
Then he wanted to sit and babble happily about the business idea his brother came to talk about and how relieved he is to have faced the situation at work and how wonderful life is going to be from now on. I barely knew what I was saying but somehow I managed to tell him that the things that have happened during our time together have been absolutely catastrophic for me and that I could not discuss the future or pretend to be happy with so many gigantic elephants in the room trumpeting at me.
So, he listened, for the first time in all of the years that I have known him. I was able to tell him the impact his behaviour has had upon me and my child and of the stress, fear and shame that I have felt because of my decisions to remain with him. That I cannot stand to live any more of my life feeling responsible for his actions or bearing the brunt of his moods or feeling the shame and hopelessness of my own lack of action. Actually I was able to be pretty brutal and honest and discussed my role in all of it too, and he agreed and basically said that he spends most of his time trying to block out the reality of how he behaves and the way he has treated me and his past girlfriends. I was able to discuss the concepts of enabling and codependance etc with him. He went on to describe an analogy about how he keeps digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole and every time he thinks he is digging his way out he is actually digging deeper. I thought...wow, if I could just get you to an AA meeting right now...lol. But he is not interested in quitting his addictions or in making any changes and that's OK. I stopped hoping for that a long time ago.
Anyway I don't think it spells change. I don't think it means we will both suddenly recover, but it was the first time he has ever listened to me for longer than 20 seconds or allowed me to talk about the terrible things that have gone on between us without justifying or becoming angry. Actually I went on for a couple of hours and he just sat and listened and mostly agreed with me. It felt good to be able to say it and have him hear me and acknowledge my interpretation of events and grief and distress. He didn't end it with any lame promises to do better or big plans either. He asked me what I want out of life and what I want from a relationship and gave me a great chance to express my boundaries out loud. I know that isn't how boundaries work lol; actions not words....but it still felt good to say it and hear myself define what I consider to be acceptable. I asked what he wants and got the standard pipe dreams and desire to be an instant billionaire, lol. Thats OK. He ended by saying that he had heard me and that he wants to have a better future and hopes I will be a part of it but if not, OK.
Please understand I do NOT think this is the beginning of a wonderful new relationship or anything like that. We're both really unwell people in our own ways and I can't see much changing just because we (well, mostly me) had a good talk, but it WAS a good talk and it felt fantastic to have the opportunity to be heard and acknowledged. He's never listened to me before in any real way; it was like talking to a version of him from another dimension.
So, that was pretty good. Then later he came out and asked "so I know that you don't want to be responsible for everything anymore but could you at least pay the bills and just tell me how much I owe you each time" and I said no. He asked "OK well, why can't I just give you my paychecks each week and you give me an allowance". I said no, I'm sorry, but you're a grown man and you can learn to manage your own finances". He shrugged and said 'you know, I'm really not" and I couldn't help laughing at that.
And then my mother contacted me with the bombshell news that my brother is leaving the nest and if I want to, daughter and I could go and live with them in the new year and have a room each. So that was out of left field. I love the fact that my parents and I have been getting along so well, but under the same roof? There is plenty of drinking and dysfunction going on in that house too and my mother, as much as I love her, is extremely controlling by default. It could be a case of out of the frying pan, into the fire. It is amazing to know that the option might become available though. Perhaps....
Well, my head is spinning. Oh and I received a call from my daughter's school principal today to tell me that she had been given a lunch-time detention for cutting a class and scratching smiley faces into the door of the toilets, where she was hiding with her accomplice. Good grief, she's 10. He was very gently spoken and said that a few children have been caught doing this recently and that they had been "very stern" with them today and that he expected I would find a very remorseful little girl this afternoon. He was right; she curled up under a blanket on the couch and cried. I didn't know whether to yell at her or cuddle her; she's never done anything "really naughty" before. She had been sent home with the task of writing apology letters to various teachers which she took very seriously. I settled upon telling her calmly that I was very disappointed, and why, and that if I ever heard of her doing such a thing again, blah blah. I'm sure you other parents know the speech. I didn't enjoy it one bit. She's generally a really well behaved kid and I don't like to be angry with her because she's not had an easy childhood and I'm not a fan of screaming or yelling. At the same time, I don't want to reward bad behaviour out of guilt or fail to set appropriate standards....ugh what a minefield this teenager business is going to be.
I know this much. Tomorrow I am going to have a quiet day of study, a nice walk with the dog and a quiet night watching tv with my girl and having foot spas. No drama allowed. We'll see how that goes
Sounds like a lot of good stuff to me, Melly, on your part. There is a healthy part in all of us - even in our As - and sometimes, the real person surfaces. When that happens, it gives us practice in loving the person, hating the disease.
As far as your daughter goes - I was always a dutiful and responsible child. I wanted to please the adults in my life. I wanted to follow the rules. I didn't like getting into trouble because I didn't want to disappoint the adults in my life and I didn't like the feelings connected to being in trouble. Yet - I was also a kid - and sometimes I did childish things like standing in a school refrigerator on a dare for as long as I could to time how long I could stand it. Our deal was that when we'd have enough, we'd knock on the door of the refrigerator from inside and our classmates outside (all of us dutiful kids - most of the time) would open the door and let us out. This was all great fun as we were being trusted to stay in the cafeteria without adult supervision doing whatever it was we were doing while the rest of the students were out on the playground with nun supervision. This all worked well until I was taking my turn standing in the huge refrigerator that was used only for Lenten fish frys, knocked and said "Time" and the door was opened by Sister Alma, principal of the school. Life as I knew it ended that day. Sister Alma, my classroom teacher and my parents all helped me understand in their ways that there would be no more trust breaking, hanging out in refrigerators, cafeteria or home privileges for quite some time - or forever - however long it took for me to get the lesson I was to learn. I chose quite some time over forever and made proper amends of behavior following the consequences that were not worth trying sneaking around, doing what I knew was wrong, with classmates. (But, truth be told, it was still fun at the time.)
My goodness Melly What a full day filled with many interesting and difficult situations that you handled with grace, dignity, honesty and clarity . Your writing your partner's letter to his job is understandable I am glad that some action was taken and he listened to your concerns. You did well.
Keep on practicing your program. Staying objective and detached in all your affairs and HP will make your path clear.
Your daughter is growing up and taking risks She was caught and made accountable. You did not enable her behavior and she responded by writing out her letters with true remorse Good work on her part.
Nothing changes if nothing changes Change is happening Good work
You are being heard in so many ways and you get to practice not being attached to the outcomes...no expectations/no disappointments. Although, there may be smidgeons lurking in the background somewhere, but that is the way it is, sometimes, at least for me. I actually got a smile when I read about your daughter's shenanigans and I understand from a mom's perspective the "how the heck do I handle this one"? Sounds like you did just fine I have four grown children and these are the situations we laugh about now.
Thanks G2B and Betty. I needed the reminder that I am not in control of my daughter's behaviour and that it's natural for her to test the boundaries. I really was looking at it from the sole perspective that I have caused her to misbehave by failing her in some way...but of course if I think about it, I did plenty of naughty things when I was a kid too.
G2B lol, what an image. I went to a convent school too so I really could picture Sister Alma opening the door. Thanks for the laugh!
I'm mindful of how responsible and "people pleasing" my girl can be as I know it's a codependent trait and it concerns me frequently at the same time as I enjoy her beautiful, caring disposition. I try not to be harsh or over-react when she is rebellious but to be honest, her little mini "truancy" frightened me because she's so small, and beautiful, and vulnerable, and the idea that she wasn't "where she was meant to be" just struck fear into my heart. She's recently started riding to school solo and meeting a friend on the way and that in itself has been a scary step. It seems to be the norm for children in our neighbourhood. I suppose absolutely every parent goes through the same feelings.
Deep breath....it isn't going to get any easier, is it?
No, it probably isn't going to get any easier. But - there is a bright spot according to my own experience - at 10, we are able to get a little more sleep than when they were younger than that. That extra sleep helps us cope with the rest of the story in relationship to our blossoming little people.
Paula, I do feel heard just recently. It's wonderful. I'm not sure what to attribute it to but I'm choosing to think that maybe it's because I have decided that my feelings are valid. That's a new thing for me.
Oh it's great to hear from other mothers and be able to step back and laugh a little at these situations.
Hey Melly, that sounds like a full day handled really really well. It is so helpful to feel heard and I love your comment connecting it to your feelings being valid - a new concept to me as well but it makes perfect sense and the way you put it empowering as well. Enjoy tomorrow - sounds like you've planned a lovely day
Paula, I do feel heard just recently. It's wonderful. I'm not sure what to attribute it to but I'm choosing to think that maybe it's because I have decided that my feelings are valid. That's a new thing for me.
Oh it's great to hear from other mothers and be able to step back and laugh a little at these situations.
(((MIP)))
Melly, I am very pleasently surprised at him and YOUR exchange.....you took care of yourself and even "mom" came up w/a temporary if you need it......only YOU can change your life...
I always tell my sponsees....nothing changes if nothing changes and I can only change me.....if i am stuck in a bad situation over and over and over, i look within to my higher parent and the answers come as to why i am not moving to take care of me, what issue i need to work out and when i DECIDE that i have had enough., stuff starts to happen, like i draw it to me to help me........
i laughed at your daughter doing the smiley faces in the toilets....LOVED it....MY kind of kid
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
