Don't want him to get better? WHY? - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't want him to get better? WHY?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ILD
I do hear the confusion and understand.
" Actions not words" have been my motto for a long time. If my hubby had not entered AA and stayed, I would have stayed gone!!! It was hard enough returning and working alanon and AA together. With him having the Program, and a sponsor we could bridge the huge gap.

Keep the focus on yourself, keep on going to your meetings. I think I would encourage him to continue his prayer group and say that you will continue your group. At this point it is not necessary for you to both share the same program
Good Luck

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Oh boy! Can I relate to this one. In fact, I posted about wanting to question God about the timing of AH getting it together - the week before I could file for divorce! After a year of separation! It sounds like you have made the break emotionally and are ready to do it physically and here he comes with a new "get rich quick" scheme.

-- Edited by wornoutmrsfixit on Monday 2nd of December 2013 10:33:50 AM

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Betty, he's not in a prayer group. He's just reading a devotional in the AM and journaling on his own. He's done things like this before and it never lasted but now he claims he's a new man because of what he saw in Haiti and what he experienced. I guess I'm just worried that it can't last without support from other humans. God gave us other people so that we can lean on them, call them up when we're about to slip, cry on their shoulders, etc. With him working this ALONE, I guess I just don't trust it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand ild. I would just continue with my plans, and not engage in any disagreeement about his Spiritual Awakening.

There is a reading in the Courage to Change that tells us that HP does not speak in code. When confused "As for guidance and then listen to the small voice within.

Remember if his change is real then you can n always reconnect.

Prayers for you and your family

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel as though I'm in a similar place ILD.

I have noticed that I become resentful when AH has an exciting new plan that requires me giving up my time before he even gets started. That is not ok with me any more. Sometimes I tell AH that this is like starting a brand new relationship - so perhaps he needs his own interests and I need mine - and I'm not going to be an easy catch this time around. It is early days as far as I'm concerned.

I've been doing a bit of yoga recently and introduced it to AH. Now he keeps saying 'I'd like to do some yoga' and of course the thought that runs through my head is 'ok fella, that's cool, go do it!'. But he does not go and do his own yoga so I interpret what he was saying as 'I want your attention'. Who knows it could be something nice like 'I'd like to spend some time with you' but from my side I would just like him to say what he means. I'm very aware that if I was in a new relationship with someone I would probably be thrilled to bits that my new boyfriend wanted my attention!!

BTW, AH is currently giving me the silent treatment and I had forgotten how ghastly and infuriating it is!!

I must admit that I'm at a pretty resentful stage and I've really got very little to give at the moment. I wonder if this is my own disease getting in the way? Or can I really not share my life with this man any more? From one spinning top to another - I think that we can say 'I'm not ready yet' if we want to!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Ooo, I like and so recognize what Milkwood says about "I want your attention." I've definitely been through that. Also the "You won't do it with me so it's your fault" syndrome, and the "You should do this or (subtly hinted) I might not stay on track," in other words, "I'm putting you in charge of my recovery." ("So I can do whatever and then it's your fault if I start to slip.")

The thing is, even if he were totally in longterm recovery and everything was hunky-dory, you wouldn't have to do daily devotionals with him if you didn't want to. You might prefer to do devotionals alone, when you can concentrate. You might prefer some other kind of spirituality. You might be trying to concentrate on something else. You might feel your relationship with the divine is something just between you and your HP. That would all be fair. Appropriate boundaries are a necessary part of a healthy marriages, and everyone's "appropriate" will be a little different.

So if he's guilting you about not doing the devotionals, that's not an appropriate boundary. And maybe he's not saying anything outwardly to guilt you, but my feeling is that someone with healthy boundaries would say something like, "I've started these devotionals and I'm getting a lot out of them. I'd love if it you'd consider doing them together sometime. Let me know if you want to try it out." And then they'd back off and go back to concentrating on their own program.

If he's not leaving you truly free to decide, then in my view, he's already not working a healthy program.

Devotionals can have a strong place in a person's spiritual life, but there's a reason AA and Al-Anon are there. Devotionals don't duplicate the program. And as you say, if we could all do it all on our own, we would have.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone. I told him I wasn't comfortable doing the devotionals. He said he already started a marriage one and today's topic was on 'avoiding temptations'. Umm, yeah, like that's a healthy topic for us to talk about, LOL?? I don't think so!

We had a very nasty conversation where I was trying to hold him accountable, called him out on his tactics like blaming and excuse making, etc and he wasn't too happy. He's now fighting me on the separation thing and doesn't seem to think it's a good idea at all. Every time he turned the subject around or starting saying, "well, you this and you that" I called him out on how unfair it was. And, then I pointed out how much we need this separation specifically BECAUSE of these issues. I mean, he even got mad at me because I don't like putting the dog in the car because the dog pukes in the car. What?? What normal person would want a puking dog with them in their vehicle? Seriously! And, then I come off the phone feeling like a super freak because I had to work so hard to not get sucked in by his vacuum tactics. He's so draining and that was one reason why I had to turn down his devotional stuff.

What's funny is that he has selective memory. He remembers me talking our son and some issues our son has about him and things he's said. He said he spoke to our son about these things but he doesn't remember telling me that 'our son will turn out to be gay because his primary role model was his mother'. Then he accused me of making stuff up to make him sound bad. I then felt I needed to step in and point out this is another reason the separation is good idea: he accuses me falsely of things, has selective memory, and then denies saying something or acknowledges it begrudgingly. And, that of course sends such a positive message to me (insert my sarcasm here).

As you can see, I am dealing with serious resentment and anger right now. I know it will pass, I just need to write it all out and let it go!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Listening, ILD.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD:

I can relate to so much of what you write. I agree w Pushka--'actions not words', although it can be very diffiult for us to remember that--especially when there are words we have been hoping to see in action for so long? The best thing we can all do is to continue to work our own program. Keep taking care of yourself and know that you are not alone.

((((ILD))))

YF

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sis remember the 3cs to help you not get sucked in also the slogan "Don't React"!!. Let him know quietly (the quieter the better so that he will have to really listen to hear you) "Its no all about you. We don't do You...We do We and there is no We without Me". Suggest that you understand what really works...AA...90X90 and a sponsor working the steps. It's a spiritual program and he is liking spiritual right now right? If he's only taking...he's not giving. You're doing go and proper for where you are at and need to do to fix yourself ILD...stay with it. In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

Sanity...don't do long conversations with a crazy person cause when you're done you won't know who's who.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It took me years of meetings, stepwork, service....to improve and change my alcoholic, selfish, self-centered ways. My ex-A bought into the kind of stuff you are talking about....bandaid solutions. Like most alcoholics it sounds like your husband is all about playing the role and he really believes if he can pretend devout christian for a while, he is no longer the guy that has tanked your marriage and his father role through a long series of poor choices. Plus being narcissistic, it would be his persona to get upset when you rain on his fake and insincere parade because after all, he's doing something positive and if you object, then you must be a bad christian. Nothing scarier than an alcoholic narcissist that now believes they have a direct pipeline to God. Hang in there ILD. When, I left my ex-A, I was disgusted with him. Had I stayed any longer, I think I would have started to actually hate him.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

ACTION is the only thing that had credibility w/me......AND anyone who is addict and NOT in AA working a strong program???? I don't buy it.......like I said...only the action will get it for me

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

"Nothing scarier than an alcoholic narcissist that now believes they have a direct pipeline to God"

Lol Pinkchip - thank you for this mental image!

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

hotrod wrote:
I do understand ild. I would just continue with my plans, and not engage in any disagreeement about his Spiritual Awakening.

Remember if his change is real then you can n always reconnect.

Love love love this! ild, continue with your plans, and don't engage -or get distracted by whether or not his plans are real! My biggest upsets happen when I'm so focused on whether or not the change is real. I get my focus SO much on every move that person makes I STOP all focus on me!

i get confused and tired and angry!

Just continue on with YOUR plans! The rest will work itself out as it must!

Hug

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Just sounds like Manipulation to me....

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your share rang some bells for me , many yrs ago after my husb had been out of our home for 6 months he called and said everything I wanted to hear , he agreed to go to AA , took responsibility for his behavior and wanted to resume our marriage , I went into panic mode and hung up the phone and took it off the hook . I replaced it a few hrs later and he called again saying everything I had waited yrs to hear , he asked if he could come home and detox he said he had tried on is own but knew he couldn't do it , I agreed instantly because this time I knew it would be different , I was different and I knew with out a doubt that I was going to be okay regardless of what he did . In six months I found out I would be okay with out him , in six months home was where he wanted to be and was willing to do what he had to do to be here. For me what your facing is familiar , after all the years of chaos in active alcoholism it was easier to hate him than it was to take a chance and love him again . I didn't do vulnerable well back then. I am not sorry I made the decision to take a chance that was 24 yrs ago and he has been sober ever since keeping his promises and became the man I knew I had married along time ago. I doubled up on my meetings ,stayed close to my sponsor while he found his way in his program . Although for me AA is a preference our literature says we don't have a right to choose the method of recovery for anyone but ourselves , he left AA several yrs ago and has continued to make the changes he promised . As has already been said you don't have to choose right now , follow your heart and take care of you so that regardless of what he does YOU WiLL BE OK. Louise

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.