The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is the day. The day I was "supposed" to file a divorce. I failed once again. I can't do it. I keep telling myself it's because I can't get him served but I know it's a lie. I have set at least one boundary I won't go back on. I won't let him come home until he goes to a real rehab. He hasn't asked to come home at least that's a start. He sits in the psychiatric ward at a hospital and is waiting for his caseworker to help him get into a program. He even realizes he will miss his birthday and Christmas this year getting the help he desperately needs. He said he thinks he needs to be away on those occasions to realize he doesn't want to miss them again. He also said he thought he has hit bottom before but this time he doesn't just feel sick from The alcohol he feels sick inside, a different kind of sick. I can't speak to him without yelling or an attitude. I feel bad. I feel like he's a damn liar. After talking to my mom she said wait and see if he follows through. She said stash the money away and see. I'm going to al anon starting Thursday. I'm also going to find a counselor. This little I can do. I still have doubt of when will he **** up again. Ugh......off to another days work.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 2nd of December 2013 08:47:43 AM
There is no failing...take that out of the space. You have been beat up enough living with alcoholism, your precious self does not need any self abuse (and I am saying this with love and compassion). Filing will not end any of the pain or expedite your healing, however working your program of recovery, will. Attending al anon on Thursday is a huge step for you. Go without expectations and continue going...let the meetings, the experience and the wisdom of others soak in. Take your life slow and easy and bring your conflicts/confusions here so we can all help you walk through this process. Let your life unfold and you will know when and if filing for divorce is the best step for you to take. Your HP will guide you
I agree 100% w Paula...there is no failing here! We are all doing the best we can with what we have at any given time. Your recovery will be your greatest strength. These big decisions are often revealed to us, but maybe we have to uncover whatever might be getting in the way of the message.
It is wonderful that you have a plan to get to Alanon meetings--keep going, without expectations, yes. Keep working on and being good to yourself, yes.
Please be gentle with yourself Letting go of a Dream is extremely difficult and painful. That is the reason that alanon suggests you make no major changes in your life for the first 6 months in program. This is because during that time we learn new tools to live by and develop a support system that can proide empathy and understanding as we walk a difficult road.
Your mom is right......wait and see. It's actions not words on the part of the A that are the real truth. Also take my signature below and try and follow it. It's works really well.
It works, if you work it and your worth is my friend
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I couldn't separate from my x until I was ready to step into the unknown. I wrestled with it interiorly and then had an outside circumstance happen at his hand that gave me the courage and energy I needed to make a major change. If I had tried to do it before I was ready, I would have taken him back in many times. Once I was ready, the way of it just all fell into place. I wasn't even nervous about helping him move out in the way that was revealed to me to do it.
I also nod at what Paula offered. Change how you speak of and to yourself and put down the hammer. The disease does enough abuse don't take it up. Change your self talk. Getting into the face to face rooms of the Family Groups, sitting still and listening and learning is a big one. You will find hundreds of us there who have also worn your shoes. Keep coming back here...this is family...this is home. ((((hugs))))
I called into work today. I couldn't make my car go the whole way. I kept crying and crying. I stopped at a gas station 2 exits before and called them. I immediately went to the al anon website and found the next meeting. It happened to be one at the place I plan to go Thursday. I went. It was a great group. People who were so diverse yet the same. I look forward to going back later this week. I also took the time to find a therapist and there just happened to be an appointment open tomorrow evening after I get off work. I also found remembered my employer offers an EAP and I will get the first 8 sessions for free. These are positive things I am thankful for today. I have strength to do this. It's when it comes to tell my husband no and following through I struggle. I know these steps I'm taking for myself are in the right direction.
Yes, those are excellent steps in the right direction. Telling your husband no and following through will come in its time. Right now, the most peaceful things you've found to do is to attend meetings, find a therapist and coming here. Good work. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Seems to me you put flesh to the words of this prayer with your actions today.
Just a heads up though. Going to rehab will not be a cure-all fro him. My father has been twice and he was drinking again within a couple hours of leaving. So, if he decides to go, understand that it doesn't always take.
It helps to hear I haven't failed. Unfortunately I know rehab isn't a fix all. I'm still debating what happens after that. I only am so insistent on it because I want him to want help. I know its not about me though. I wish he would become a success story and help others. I'm hoping over the next several weeks I can set myself on a path that makes more sense
You can become a success story and help others. You are already on your way with that. Even if he keeps using, you can stop your own pain and live your own life in joy and in peace. It doesn't come all at once, but it comes one day at a time. You are a work in progress with the rest of us and I'm glad you are part of our recovering family.
There is a passage in our literature that says , your only a failure if you quit trying , your going to Al-Anon meetings this week , you are keeping the boundary you set for yourself , that is not failure , for me that is progress.. Yeah for you . Your simply not ready to give up on this marriage yet , stay in program for at least 6 months and see how you feel then , there will come a time when you know It's okay to stay or its time to go . Work on yourself , if he is serious he will do the same you have no idea what God has planned for the two of you . One day at a time there is nothing you can't do . Louise
