The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm laying in bed struggling with my thoughts. Why does this have to be so difficult? I am debating texting or calling a friend. Even my mom but my history is such a broken record. I don't want to be judged anymore. I do fairly decent during the day but when it's time for bed and I'm all alone, I fall apart. Why did alcohol have to chose my husband? Why did I have to become part of this disease with him?
Part of me wants to say forget this knowledge you think you have. Take your husband and kids and run far away. Start over. Abandon the life you live here. But the smart part says stop Michelle, you're better than this. You are smarter. If you leave and start over alcohol will follow and the cycle continues. Your husband is sick and in due time if it's meant to be he will be on a successful road to recovery and will know how a healthy marriage should work and you will have healthy boundaries and you can remarry someday.
Why do I have to go through so much pain an suffering doing what's right? How much torture do I think I can put myself through before I finally break!? I need to find a meeting, now, yesterday even. I need a sponsor myself.
I know every day that ends and a new one begins I've become one more stronger. But it's just so hard. :(
oh my friend, read the post i just posted before you. i know and feel your pain. this road is lonely. the journey relentless. i too often think i should run and run fast and far. but. . .what will i escape and will it be worth then sharing custody and worrying what if, whn my daughter is not with me everyday. at least in my current situstion there is no doubt to her safety and well being. . im here everyday despite being alone while he turns to alcohol.we have our home, its stable in that its home. . we are financially ok and well its ok. . but. . . tonight is a setback for me too. maybe its the holidays. . the portrayal of togetherness and peace and joy. . yup, sounds lovely but its not that way. in my world its often quiet, lonely and spent wondering what will happen next. . there is no fa la lala las and secret presents and such. . i do it all and mostly alone. i expect nothing from my ah as i have learned i cant have expectatins. . so gee, happy holidays and here i am alone again. i too know im stronger each day but the nights get long, my patience runs low and sadness kicks in. so friend, i know. . i guess we now take comfort in knowing the other is out there.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I am so sorry for your pain, but you are doing what is right. If it was easy, you would have done it months ago like you said in your other post. It is normal to hurt like hell and grieve the loss of this relationship and what you hoped it would be. You can feel the sadness as it comes and just keep moving forward. In support of you...
I understand. I just made the decision to file for divorce after @15 months of separation. My emotions are all over the place too. I really feel that it is the right thing to do but it is so hard to take that step and start everything rolliing. I have made the request for a consultation with an attorney. Just waiting for an appt. I hope finding this site will be as helpful to you as it has been for me. I believe it helped keep me sane - seriously. Keep in touch. Maybe we can help each other through getting this started.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I share your feelings as well. It's a monumental decision and at least for me, because the disease did so much of the talking during the marriage and as it is ending, I felt like I was making this decision all on my own--this is where self-doubt would creep in for me. It was helpful to remember that everytime the disease brought my H away from our family, everytime the disease brought him or our family close to harm, everytime the disease did damage in any way it brought us steps closer to divorce.
I hope this day gives you a sense of renewal as I am hoping for that for myself and all of us who need a 'do-over' today!
I read your previous thread. This is not your fault. These negative emotions or any decision related to them don't make you a bad person. The emotions are intense right now because they are new. You are finally not letting this disease run your life. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to do something about it.
In your last thread, you mentioned that you had a young daughter. It is great that you are getting out now before she can really be affected by her dad's drinking. Make no mistake though, she has been affected. I am speaking as someone who has an alcoholic father and has done much research on adult children of alcoholics to better understand me and my upbringing. I have been a member of al-anon for about 3 years and this fellowship has really allowed me to gain a sense of who I am and given me, 'me' back. They are like a family to me and have given me a sense of stability and consistency in a life that was full of the opposite.
I am about your age (29) and when I went to my first meeting, I found that the program didn't really speak to me. I found noone there that looked like me. They were all females in their mid-50's. I didn't let that deter me though. You seem like you are ready to seek help and are willing.
