The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so ive come on the board tonight feeling blah. its the fourth night this week my ah has been out. yeah, he calls but. . im alone again. my daughter asks where is daddy. . i tell her what i know. . hes with his buddies. its the first thing she asks whn we pull in the driveway and one of the last things she asks at bedtime. it makes me sad. oops. .now im crying. didnt know that was where this was going. as you know, im married 15+yrs. . its not better its not worse, . it just "is". i feel like a single married mother. i love my life as mom and the single part is ok except i know im actually married. . thats the part that drags me down. i know i cant change him, ive learned to detach but honestly, life is lonely. my partner is absent even whn hes here, my daughter has a father who shares our home but whom she has learned she cant count on, my friends are few, family friends-none, my relationship with extended fam is strained and on top of that, my work is highly stressfull, kinda toxic and terribly unfullfilling but it pays well, i have ins and lots of time off. . so like my marriage, i stay. i understand my ah in terms of what drives him away and into the hands of alcohol. hes painfullyvdamaged. he has tons of emotional baggae, no healthy coping skills or connections, physical pain as well and yrs worth of the barroom being his go to in times of stress as well as good. i get it, i understand it, i do my best to live with it but its a strange life. most nites i go to bed alone, other nights he may be here but sound asleep on the couch. we share a bed mybe two sometimesthree nites a week. sex is kinda on his terms as i sadly disengaged a long time ago and well, its just a strange life. its lonely. i hate that word and it tears me up to admitt to feeling that way but its the truth. im also angry about being lonely. and just plain angry. im sad for my daughter but at the same time i know shes got me. . im her biggest fan and shes mine. . i know its not the typical mom/child relationship but its what we know, its what weve got. not sure why ive written tonight except that maybe i needed a cry and didnt want to be alone. . .
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
(((TOC))) Glad you reached out to share what is going on inside and outside of you. I do understand the loneliness and the tears. I had a friend who told me once that when everything was pretty negative in my life I was in the wrong place for me. AlAnon has taught me that nothing changes if nothing changes. It's also taught me that all change must begin with me. The bright spot in your life has been and still is your daughter. That makes me smile. Are there any small changes you see you might be able to make that might help to add even more bright spots to your life? I hope so.
thank you. i need to look for more bright spots, no matter how small. my daughter is one huge shining bright spot and ive just got to look for more. usually i do a bit better but sometimes tears fall and i need to not be afraid of them. i know its ok to feel. just sometimes i dont always like what i feel. thank you. knowing complete strangers can take time to share is a bright spot. bless your kindness. and btw, i think u hve priv messaged me to which i say a huge thank you i always try to respond but for some reason i am not able to.get them to post, so.let me ssay thank you again
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Something that always helps me lift my spirits is music. I love to sing and I love to listen to good music and beautiful voices. When I'm at my lowest, making music lifts me up and helps me see more of the gifts that are waiting for me to notice them. The ways the stars look in the sky. The way the trees sway in the wind. The sounds that nature offers me. The blessings of running water soothe me. The feel of the carpet or naked floors to the sensitive skin on the bottom of my feet remind me that I can move my body from one room to another in comfort being totally supported by that which is under me. That helps me remember the labors of skilled carpenters who have built a safe and secure home for me. As I continue to consider all that is right here, right now - all for me - I find the songs that I sing become happier than when I first began making music with my memory and my voice.
thank you. i forget to see that im a bright spot. augh, lump in my throat. and your so right about noticing the little things. the comfort of my bed where tonight i will sleep with no snoring. . . the sun, the joy i feel whn i hear my daughter giggle. the depth of her soull as she asks questions and feels life. the warmth of my home. . all that i DO have that others do not. there may be lots missing but there are lots to be mindful of and , yes, those too are bright spots.
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
(((TOC))) Just keep on lookin', sister. There's lots more light to see. And we need the darkness to better see the light, so even the darkness is a gift.
Missed you So glad that you joined us tonight and shared your heart. It does sound as if you have the awareness and have moved into acceptance of the situation in your home
Acceptance is a difficult place to be. It is here that I stopped the denial of reality, felt the feelings of what was happening in my life and became willing to act.
You are a professional, intelligent, compassionate, woman who loves life and your family. Higher Power will use these assets to enable you to build a life that will include company, love and respect.
hi betty, thank you. i feel acceptance i going to or could, scare me, cause me pain and attempt get me to return to denial. i cant go back, i know. . only fwd. but im still not ready to walk out. just sad.
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Aloha Ocean good to see you back even under the circumstances. You've come to family and this family loves you unconditionally. Alcoholism is the nastiest of diseases in my experience and what you've shared affirms that. Feelings...My elder sponsor taught me that I could choose what ever I wanted to feel at any time and after I got over the initial disbelief of that I attempted it. One weekend my alcoholic/addict wife went missing again and my searching wasn't successful. I even experienced dread and schock when I came across a car very similar to hers hanging from the guy wire of a telephone pole. It wasn't hers and I choose to feel relaxed and calmed down. How strange not to feel fear and anxiety ongoing and then I got a call back from the hospital that they had a Jane Doe in intake who have been there over 24 hours...no name, no identification, heavily under the influence when brought in on alcohol and drugs...would I care to take a look? I did and I chose to remain calm even after opening the door and finding my wife lying on a emergency bed under a sheet cold and awake. I felt compassion and empathy and love...the acceptance of her for exactly who she was at that moment. I wasn't angry or disappointed at her or disgusted. I was grateful that God had chosen to keep her alive so that she would have grace and margin to move toward recovery. Eventually she reached recovery and the last time I saw her she was happy and smiling and wishing me safe journey back home. Sometimes the only thing I can say is Thank You for mercies. Glad to have you back. ((((hugs))))
You are not alone. So many of us have felt or are feeling what you have expressed in your post. That loneliness when in a marriage is very very difficult. Yes your sadness came through but so did your strngth. If you are able to get to a meeting, I know for me there is always something I hear someone say that is just what I need to hear at the time (same as coming here and reading our shares to one another).
I hope you have a peaceful Sunday. You are not alone.
