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My mother is one of the most difficult people in the world that I have to deal with. I will deal with my alcoholic husband all day long over dealing with her, and she is one of the reasons why I continue to stay with him even in the most unhappiest of times- because I have nowhere to go except to her house and if I live with her again, I don't think I will be able to handle it.
i keep my distance and talk to her less and less. But I love the rest of my family, and I do continue to go to her home for the holidays.
We were at her home for three hours on thanksgiving. In that time, she completely undermined my parenting on multiple different occasions (me: "no, you cannot just have mashed potatoes for dinner. You need to eat seven bites of turkey and at least half of your salad." Mom: "oh sweetie, you don't have to eat your turkey, it is okay."), she made umpteen million rude comments about my weight ("are you sure we can get you a gift card for old navy? I would hate to get you something for a store of clothes that won't fit you..."), and told the entire family I was an alcoholic. I had ONE glass of wine with thanksgiving dinner (as did at least half of the relatives as the table...not including my husband who kept disappearing outside- he hid a bottle of R&R in the car and kept going outside to take swigs of that). When we went to go home, mom made this huge scene asking if I was okay to drive, and apparently as soon as I left, she discussed having an intervention for me with our family. My family pretty much laughed in her face and told her that outside of an occasional glass of wine, I never drink and that she was being ridiculous.
my mother is very sexist- I have a glass of Merlot, and that apparently means I have a problem. Meanwhile my brother smokes marajuana and goes through an entire case of bud light in one evening, and her response is "boys will be boys." I don't think I would be nearly as offended if I didn't live with a raging alcoholic. I just don't even know what to say except that I am so frustrated with the way that she treats me, and her ridiculous standards for me. I know, I know. Focus on me, not on her. And I do, for the most part. It's just...ugh! I feel like she sits around when I am not home and does nothing but think of ways to get under my skin.
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-1lostmom
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"... Shoot, still working through that.
Hi. Sorry your experience with your Mom has been more than difficult for you as has your relationship with your spouse. "Home" for you sounds like torture - both at your own home and your Mom's home? I do hope attendance in Al-Anon and coming here will help you find some comfort and support?
As a Mom myself, my own adult daughter has had to have some sit down conversations with me and me with her. It was uncomfortable for both of us and yet we did it. We both had to make the transition from me being in the mothering role to me being in a listening role. I still "put my opinions" out there before I think sometimes, but I have also learned to make amends that are genuine. The both of us are so different, I forget she has the responsibility of living life according to her lights and not mine. She forgets sometimes that I am a human being worthy of respect and understanding and makes amends for that, too. On occasion, we also disagree on what needs to happen in regards to my grandson. I've learned to say what I think sparingly when it comes to choices she makes - remembering that she grew up in a totally different culture as is my grandson than I did - and only if I think it is my responsibility to speak. She's learned to ask me questions or talk things over with me when in doubt. We've had some bumpy rides together, but I'd say that right now the both of us can enjoy each other, better understand each other, and have learned to live and let live with each other, but it took work. We're both headstrong. We're both independent thinkers. We both see the same candle of truth from our own perspectives.
I do hope that you can find some relief for yourself at each home - yours and hers. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure others will respond to you. Just wanted to share some of my own e/s/h with you and my support.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 30th of November 2013 04:25:38 PM
1lm...that doesn't sound good at all...sure hope you're not trying to figure it all out so that it makes sense. I use to do that before my sponsor and I had many sit downs on the lessons of acceptance and killing expectations and not "taking" offenses (let them fall where they're at). Those are also lessons within detachment which in my family of orgin is a necessary tool in order to be around them. I'm sure others have to have some of these tools when hanging with me also ...it's about progress no perfection. ((((hugs))))
