When I think of the holidays, I think back to the second we would hear we were getting together for holidays, the alcohol would break out .. to celebrate ? or to cope .. This year was a quiet but beautiful thanksgiving .. I even included the fact I am Grateful for every ounce of pain, criticism, blame, sarcasm, craziness in my life that has led me to here, to face to face, and to sponsoring .. <-- that's a service I Never thought I would do in the beginning .. Even still, I am crushed sometimes under the pain of the dark times ..

The x addict in my life (daughter's dad) got himself into some trouble .. he still struggles from his addiction and the sad part ? God works through pain .. willingness comes through pain .. Every time his behavior catches up with him, countless other family members get in Gods way and clean up the mess so .. he doesn't have to feel the Effect of his pain .. hence there goes God getting edged out again .. When I'm not in this persons actual presence, I can have compassion on him .. I know the way I feel about things he has done could Very easily warp an Accurate Judgment of him as a person .. I do Not Ever know what the Exact nature of someone elses wrong is .. However, when I speak to this person .. I am Still a Little surprised to hear the resentments seep through .. Really ?? I am Still powerless over my reactions at times after a couple of years even since our split and all the time in between of no talking ? Yep .. Still and Forever Unless God decides to remove another defect in me .. This person is going back to prison but I was surprised to hear he is only getting 16 months .. a sentence definitely not in line with what he's done .. Needless to say the jails are full and they cost .. hence the early release time ..

It's Not that I want this person to suffer .. Prison does Not Reform an addict .. Unless of course the addict decides to willingly attempt AA with the desire to get better .. or some other possible type of help, etc .. But .. I'm tired and I'm sad.  Even from Jail, he still talks as though All the power is in his hands .. worse .. there are times I still believe it is if He says it .. It's not a moral disease .. I keep expecting this person to suddenly grow a conscience that never comes ..

What's painful for me is regardless of the circumstances, I truly love an Addict .. even after all this time .. I get the saying today Love the man, hate the disease .. The holidays seem to bring out the sadness of his absence too .. but I realize today What it means when others say we are in love with the "idea of the man, the relationship, etc .. When I was in this relationship, this person would build up illusions of fun in my mind .. He would suggest many fun plans for the day only to shut them down and change them just hours, sometimes minutes before the plans actually were carried out .. When he would suggest coming over for movie night, going somewhere, fun at the holidays; he would again change his plans at times just before .. The build up in my mind sounded so fun and great every time ..  What I really loved (some of the time) was the idea of the promises that were never kept ..

Still as hard as it is, he is on my gratitude list this week .. Being without him, just reminds me of how uncomfortable in My Own skin I am .. and why ? There's a lot Under my skin .. sadness, anger, judgment, fear, obsession, blame (on occasions) These aren't comfortable emotions, attitudes, or behaviors .. I may have slips, but thankfully again, grace of God, I never slip back to the beginning.  I have made so much progress .. Still .. I'm human ..

Thanks for letting me share .. happy T day to Ev1 .. I'm really feeling the holiday hangover ..