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Happy Thanksgiving MIP family!!! I hope you all are having a blessed day! I am preparing a quick meal for the family and then my son and I are driving a few hours to a tennis tournament, where he has to play early in the AM tomorrow. We'll be gone all weekend.
AH is now acting like Mr Perfect Dad. Hanging out with our son, paying football in the park, engaging us in conversation, etc. I was starting to think that I should back off on the request for separation but I have to look at the reality of my life and the most recent past. My AH may have had some sort of spiritual act of salvation but that doesn't give him a pass from his past actions. And, after our conversation in the car the other day I also have to remind myself that he sure didn't sound like a 'new man', he sounded like the same old record: changing the subject on me, turning it around to make something my fault, going off topic on a crazy rant, etc.
I have to remember that he has a long way to go and so do I, if I even want to consider reconciliation. I still believe that the separation is the right thing to do but seeing him bond with our son makes me mad. My first initial angry thought is, "How dare he do this? NOW? After all this time, he now wants to be super dad? Why didn't he do this years ago?, etc." It was just 2 weeks ago that he was tying on a good binge and accusing me of having an affair and of taking my mom to an Al Anon meeting to meet this so called boyfriend of mine. Of course, I'd love to meet this guy too, I had no idea existed, LOL.
So, that's my rant. I am still feeling stuck because he's different from what he was before he left for Haiti, but I am trying to decipher if this is real change or if it's just a high from that kind of event. I have so many unanswered questions and I'm working very hard to take things one day at a time and then letting go, and letting God!
Your vent has been understood. If you can take your time to really see if these changes in him are real and not just temporary that would be best. Actions speak louder than words. in support og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
{{Hugs ILD}}. It can be so confusing when they do an about-face. I also remember the things your A said in front of your son about women and sex ... who knows which is the real person? What I do know is that they can have wonderful intentions but only time will tell whether they can stay with it longterm, especially if they don't have a formal program of recovery that they're working hard. I think it must be like my attempts to diet. I go great guns and do great for three weeks but then real life comes back in and I'm off the wagon. If I were more serious about it I would join a program and do it for real, not just try to white-knuckle it through the day. The trouble with most A's and many dieters is that they think good intentions will carry them through the hard times. I think you are wise to wait and see what the future holds instead of deciding anything right away. I know my recovery was slow and full of backwards-and-forwards (and still is). Makes sense that theirs would be too.
Yes only time will tell if he can sustain real changes, or this is an act or a bandaid. My A started program and it's such a slow go. And my A is in program because of me. And when I think I see some change then I see old behavior. It's going to be a very long time before things will shake out and I can see what we have. ODAT is the key. My sponsor has me working a slogan everyday. Today I'm doing Live and Let Live. Lyne
I have so many favorite slogans! Live and live and let live is one of the, Lyne!
AH even did the dishes after T-Day lunch(we had to eat early due to our driving schedule) and then joined me outside while playing with the dog, instead of sitting his rear down on the couch! Who knows. I've seen him make an effort before but it never lasted. The times before just were never tied to a spiritual event for him. I know that time will tell, I am just impatient because I had just made up my mind to have him move out and take some time for myself.
I always told my exA that he needed to earn my trust after a long stint of being and acting trustworthy. He would often have epiphanies, promise to do better, and really would, for a few weeks...then, well, it would inevitably fade...there were times when I wondered if he was manipulating me to stay...and it worked. The longer it went on, the more his sudden insight and good behavior moments would set off my BS meter. This would make him angrier...but he had to earn my trust...which he was never able to do...he always reverted to A behavior...abuse, anger, undependability...etc.
