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Hello everyone.I am new to this site.I have been acquainted with my neighbor for nine months and we have both expressed an interest in each other (flirting and a couple of phone conversations over a two month period).At our last phone conversation, he told me he was a recovering alcoholic.
My first reaction was a sinking feeling.In my 30s (I am now in my early 50s), I dated a guy who would not get help for his drinking binges.After putting up with this behavior for seven months, I broke up with him.He did not take it well and I dealt with his calls and following me for several more months.
Despite my early experience, I decided I needed to educate myself on what it means to be a recovering alcoholic.I realize this will take time.For starters, I have read a few books, spoken to two close friends and my therapist.I had my own past issues (a controlling father).
I was surprised to find that my friends and therapist did not warn me against getting involved.My therapist said he was doing all the right things.Ex:Being upfront with me from the start, working the program, attending AA meetings and taking it very slow with our friendship.My friends know (or have known) recovering alcoholics (friends) who are doing fine.
I have a full life (work, gym 4 nights a week, family and friends).He appears to have a full life also including a strong support system.Although I have compassion for the recovering alcoholic, I fully believe it is up to them to manage it through working the program and having a strong support system.
Am I being too harsh in my view?If the recovering alcoholic in my life (friend or boyfriend) became too disruptive, I could see myself leaving the relationship.Is that what he needs?The reason I did not leave my old boyfriend sooner was because I felt I was deserting him.
Hi bluejay99,
I too came to Al-Anon because I was in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic with 25 years of sobriety. What you will find in Al-Anon is how to deal with your own life while being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I strongly suggest you attend a meeting in your area. I waited until my own relationship with my ABF was completely on the rocks before I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. My feeling was "that's his world,not mine". Was I in for a surprise! The tools I am learning can be applied to just about every relationship in my life.
My relationship is still in jeopardy; I don't know how healthy it is for me to continue in a relationship with someone who still has so many of the "isms" of alcoholism & addiction, but I'm not projecting or worrying about the outcome as much and I can thank Al-Anon for that. I do know that while it might be easier in some ways to be with a non-addicted person, my own personality flaws will come out no matter who I am with if I don't recognize them and work on them.
The people on this board can share some wonderful stories but will probably never tell you what to do - that will be up to you.
Good luck!
One question I would have is: how long has he been in recovery? The first year is very rocky; the second can also be rocky. More years than that is good. But even with someone with decades of recovery, the chance of their relapsing is not zero. And they go back to where they were when they stopped -- they don't gradually build up over time. If they relapse, they go straight to the serious trouble.
I think anyone would say that the wisest thing to do is to go slowly and keep your wits about you. Don't be afraid to be self-protective. Educating yourself is great.
My sponsor reminded me often that this is Alcoholism not Alcoholwasm , this disease just lies in wait for a week moment and pounces once again , sounds as if your bf is entrenched in his program and for me the best way to have a relationship with an alcoholic is to have my own program Al-Anon it reminds me to mind my own business , not resent the meetings he attends or the time his program takes him away from our home . I can support the alcoholic by learning about the disease and how it effects me . Al-Anon is a great way to live the principles of this program have improved every relationship I have . Today I know that regardless of what people do I will be okay I learned how to become responsible for my own happiness any one in my life is a bonus they are not the reason I am happy . I have been married to a recovering alcoholic for 46 yrs he is sober for 24of those yrs .
PIK, Mattie and abbyal, thank you all for your responses!
PIK, stating how untrue thinking "that's his world, not mine" really hit home. His world does affect me.
Mattie, your suggestion to go slow, keep my wits about me, be self-protective and educate myself is so good to hear. I felt it was perhaps disloyal to feel that way, but if I am not dealing in a healthy way with this disease; then it is not helping the recovering alcoholic.
abbyal, I didn't think I needed the Al-Anon program, but I see that I do. I've been thinking about my family relationships (younger brother and a brother-in-law) and realize that I have others who may have a drinking problem.
I have been to one Al-Anon meeting and plan to attend one or more this Thanksgiving week. I would also like to attend an open AA meeting. I thought that dealing with a recovering alcoholic was more than I can handle, however, the more I educate myself, the more I realize it can be managed if BOTH of us are working our program.
Also, in the AL-Anon literature I received, there was a statement saying that a relapse was not the end of the world, but can be used as a reason for the alcoholic to accept the fact that the first drink must be avoided. Vey encouraging.
Thanks again and I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.
