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Decided to jump headfirst into the housework today.
It was a shambles around here, and I was finally sick of it enough to roll up my sleeves.
ABF wandered out while I was cleaning and asked "do you want me to help?" I responded- "I don't like the term "help" but you are welcome to contribute to cleaning our house. That would be great". (I have a real thing about this particular use of words).
"OK he said, slipping some of his dirty dishes from his room into the sink. "I'm just going to have a smoke and a beer and then I'll wash these and then I'll get onto it".
Mhhhhm.
A couple of hours later he was rolling drunk outside (he kept asking me why I wouldn't sit and join him in the sun, because you know, life's just one big party now). I took his dishes back out of the sink (no way does that tactic of dumping them there and "forgetting" work on me anymore).
When I was done inside I cleaned outside and chatted to him; I just can't be bothered with angry anymore. It's not like it helps. Finally I decide to prune the bushes that have grown over the path and he jumps up all excited "I'll do that!" I say no thanks because it's probably the first "fun" job I've done all day; who doesn't enjoy standing in the sun going "snip" lol. Angry ABF emerges. "Oh so you're going to refuse to let me help and then complain that I didn't do anything". I can't think of anything to say that doesn't involve blowing rasberries. I ignore, I snip, I smile, whatever. There are a million crappy jobs that he can do. No way he's stealing the one "fun one" from me.
I get dinner. For some reason I get some for him. We eat outside. He gets upset because I give my scraps to the dog. He wanted them. Geeze-Louise he already ate a free dinner. He's looking for things to get mad about. I suppose it's normal for him to be grumpy. He's had a hard week of playing World of Warcraft, consuming things that he didn't pay for and whinging. It must be tough.
After dinner I water the veggies. This ends in a water fight. It's hot. I give in and laugh. Why not?
Suddenly, daughter asks him if he will mow the lawn soon. It's waist-high, I think I have mentioned, and there are snakes.
Next thing you know, he is arguing with her like a petulant child. "Why should I mow the lawn? I never come out here. Why is it my job to mow the lawn?" He turns to me, furious. "Why is it my job to mow the lawn?". It isn't, I tell him. "Actually, my step-dad is coming to do it on the weekend". I was wondering how to approach that one. "OHHHHHHH" he shouts, practically rubbing his hands together with glee. "He's allowed to come here but I am not allowed to set foot on his property, huh?"
Was there a time when I would have gotten upset and started arguing with him? There really was, wasn't there. Night after night of these ridiculous, circular, unwinnable arguments. No wonder I found myself so insane, depressed and "checked out". I actually let this deranged nonsense drive me crazy.
"I"LL JUST GO TO MY ROOM SINCE IM NOT ALLOWED IN THE REST OF THE HOUSE" he yells and barricades his door. Okie dokie. Obscure, but OK. What comes next is what happens every time he loses his job. He will decide, he doesn't see why he should pay 1/2 of the rent or bills when there are 2 of us and 1 of him and he lives in just 1 room. (That's entirely his choice). He'll decide he is only going to pay 1/3. All I have asked is that he doesn't do revolting things like vomit in the living room and leave it there, or pile up a million cans and ashtrays and food scraps and dishes. His answer is, "that's how I live and you should accept it". Sure, like any reasonable person would....??? His logic is, since the only room where he is allowed to barf everywhere and collect garbage is his room, that's the only room he is allowed in.
I feel real concern and kindness towards myself this evening. (When I think back over how hard I used to try to get along with him and keep him happy). This kind of retarded logic and carry-on would drive anyone demented. And for all of those years, I tried and tried and tried to be reasonable, understand what he wanted and play along. I mean, it was foolish of me but I didn't know that. I thought I was the crazy one for not understanding him and not being good enough.
I'm so grateful and glad that I see this ridiculous crap for what it is now. It doesn't even upset me. It's slightly sad, slightly amusing and really really getting old. And a good reminder of why we don't eat meals with him or hang out with him, ever.
It's drawing to an end. It's tiring. It's depressing knowing that I can't rely on my "partner" for anything at all, ever, except to make life really unpleasant no matter how hard I try. He's like an intellectually disabled child. And when he sobers up he'll say he's sorry and tell me that he's going to mow the lawn and get a job as prime minister of the universe and take me on a holiday to the moon and buy us a mansion. Then get drunk again and be a big argumentative baby. Rinse and repeat.
Good for you, Melly. You did your best to practice JADE, not engage, detach, keep your focus on you and what you needed to do and remain calm and sane. Good program work. Good writing craft, too.
It's drawing to an end. It's tiring. It's depressing knowing that I can't rely on my "partner" for anything at all, ever, except to make life really unpleasant no matter how hard I try. He's like an intellectually disabled child. And when he sobers up he'll say he's sorry and tell me that he's going to mow the lawn and get a job as prime minister of the universe and take me on a holiday to the moon and buy us a mansion. Then get drunk again and be a big argumentative baby. Rinse and repeat.
Enough. Really, enough.
Hi Melly
you said it all in he last sentence. You are getting there
You are stronger and seeing it.
Remember the 3As. I hear the awareness and acceptance The ACTION will follow
Keep focused on yourself and remember to take care of yourself because you are worth it
There is one daytime meeting, Paula. It's not the best. It's sort of hard to get motivated to go. I probably haven't given it enough of a chance.
There's one evening meeting but childcare, transport...the usual excuses.
Really, things seemed so managable for so long because ABF worked until late every night and we just didn't have to deal with him at all. I had forgotten how unpleasant, draining and stressful it is. We have had the house to ourselves every afternoon and evening for so long...Today was a horrible reminder. I can't and won't go back to this. I've learnt a lot in the time that he has been working and I have no tolerance for this sort of crap anymore.
And really, what's the point of being with someone if having him here is the worst thing I can think of?
Thanks Betty and G2B.
I'm glad I have a reached a point where I don't become upset or try to "fix" it.
I also don't see any scenario where I would enjoy having him be "part of the family". He has the maturity and reasoning power of a freshly made doughnut.
Do I ask him to leave or move on myself?
Oh, the practicalities. I think I'd quite like to play computer games and throw tantrums too. It sounds much better than dealing with all of these responsibilities!
lol.
Thank-you Sweet Stanley
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Aus but I am familiar with it and I hope it is a lovely holiday for you
I'll just have a nice weekend instead. On Friday night daughter and I are meeting my parents in the city to see a stage production of King Kong. Thank-you, parents
In the morning, my mother has booked an appointment for my daughter and I to have our hair cut by a dear old friend of mine who is a single dad/ hairdresser. It will be so nice to see him, and to have a professional haircut.
After that, they are going to drive us the 3 hours home, step-dad will mow the lawn and set up daughter's trampoline (her early Christmas present).
I do have wonderful parents and they are really spoiling daughter and I this weekend. So I'll enjoy that and give thanks for it
Yes, trust the process. In the meantime, even though your group is not the best, they might provide you with the sustenance you need...being in the physical presence of others working their programs bonds in a way that I used to minimize when I was younger. And, these relationships will help balance out the negativity you experience at home. And the ands keep coming...and you could provide a wisdom to the others that may be helpful?
It's true, Paula. I find the meeting a bit uninspiring because there are just 2 other ladies and the format seems to be that we take turns reading from the same literature over and over and it's just...repetetive. But they are nice and I haven't given it much of a chance. I've only been a couple of times. But they do keep turning up, week after week, to support each other and that in itself is inspiring.
Sometimes I find experiences such as those cozy and comfortable...like being with my grandma when she was alive. I have been retired from my career since January but I used to do home health for mostly elderly people and I got to love just being in their presence. If I was having a tough day, just their beingness lifted me and I helped to lift them, too. So many sacred moments we shared together; often in silence. You are doing great, one step at a time...
I'm rambling on here a bit too much tonight. Sorry. My thoughts are just everywhere. I'm a bit horrified with what I am realising. But when I talk here, I feel like I make sense. I really need to make sense right now because I think it's crunch time.
When I look at this crazy, impossible, childish behaviour, and the fact that he never gets better, he just swaps his addictions around occasionally (changing deck-chairs on the titanic), I see more and more, he is exactly like my father. An insane, childish selfish addict who has no desire to get better. My father is 57 or 58 or something like that. He's worse now than he was before. He desires nothing but to be crazy and drunk and have people admire him for it because he's so intellectual. He's an artist. A misunderstood genius. No-one can take anything from him because he never wanted anything in the first place. But he takes hostages. When last I saw him, he had married a lady from Thailand. His mother was trying to tell him that it was unnaceptable to make her live in the foul, mouldy 1-room trash-can he was renting. It really was absolutely disgusting, just a step away from a couple of corrugated iron sheets at the dump) His response was "it's better than where she lived in Thailand. She didn't even have walls". Even I could see the contempt in his new wife's eyes. Poor lady.
This is not so different to my ABF's attitude towards my daughter and I.
Look at the situation with the lawn, just to mention a mild example. He doesn't want to mow it. He doesn't want anyone else to mow it. He is enraged that my parents are going to come here and help me fix it. What does he want? He wants us to hide with him in a derelict overgrown house and cover up his behaviour. He wants us to be miserable and live in hiding. He wants us to endure his awful behaviour and never tell anyone because...well, why did he choose me? Because he thinks I will tolerate anything. Because he thinks he can get away with it, with me.
He says, often, when I tell him I am disgusted with his foul mess..."when I met you, your flat was a mess". Well of course it was. I had just been divorced, spent 6 months or so homeless with a baby before I managed to rent a tiny place that had no room for anything and I was in a terrible depression. That doesn't mean that's how I want to live! And it was 7 years ago!
I know, I can't predict what he will do and it isn't fair to pidgionhole someone but this guy really is a carbon copy of my father. He doesn't care about anything other than being drunk, asserting his right to make a horrible and disgusting mess and take some hostages down with him.
It never gets any better. He doesn't want it to get any better. And I sure as hell don't want to end up poverty-stricken, without my daughter (who WILL give up on me if she reaches adulthood and I am still with this loser) and surrounded by beer-cans, puke and broken dreams.
I need to stop this while I still have life left in me.
Melly, your post has so much awareness and acceptance, it sounds like your getting closer to action. I lived this life with my ex, the whole rinse and repeat cycle that goes on and on. Horrible. The good thing is that you have stepped off the merrygoround and when I stepped off I could see it for what it is, including my part. I used to justify my actions on 'well if he didnt drink I wouldnt have done this or that' My part was of vital importance because when I stopped playing the part they are often faced with themselves. Its like we stop taking the blame and adding to the mess so they only have themselves to look at.
Good for you, it takes courage to step out into the truth of the horrible situation. I was and still am amazed at these realisations that keep coming to me too. When I was first in recovery these realisations began to make me angry and for around 2 months I had this intense rage whenever I thought of my ex and all the years of crap that I had bought into. It passed though and although I will never be his biggest fan he is becoming less and less relevant to me, he is fading from my mind and its easier to forgive, although I will admit there are still times I feel nothing but hatred for him. Anyway, I am so glad to see your progress which has been so quick, its such an amazing program and when we work it our lives are so much better and happier.x
And the good news is: no matter how much he wants you and your daughter to hide away with him, the health in you says "Thank you for sharing. I think I'll have my parents come anyway."
Its not him doing this to you... its a disease you both have in different manifestations. Your disease will continue to live in you with or without him if you do not begin to focus on yourself. Neither of you asked or wished for this. Neither of you can cure the other. If you leave him great... but you are still with you where ever you go and leaving him and thinking you'll be just fine would be like him putting down booze and being fine. There has to be step work and living the program or your just out their even more miserable without your main focus to distract you from yourself. He uses booze... you use him... you both use... you both deserve a better life. It is offered here for free... you have to do the work... for you. Sorry if that's harsh.. I just really hope you chose the path to freedom that so many have found in the steps... xxxxx
So, when he buys you that big mansion, will you have a big swim party (assuming the mansion has an indoor swimming pool as all mansions do) and invite all your MIP friends?
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Melly trust the process.
Sometimes I find experiences such as those cozy and comfortable...like being with my grandma when she was alive. I have been retired from my career since January but I used to do home health for mostly elderly people and I got to love just being in their presence. If I was having a tough day, just their beingness lifted me and I helped to lift them, too. So many sacred moments we shared together; often in silence. You are doing great, one step at a time...