The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Gaby: Rehab isn't the answer from where I'm sitting. Your son's been in rehab. It worked while he was working it. When he got out, he stopped working it. The answer for your son lies in working with the tools he has and that includes his sponsor and his meetings. He knows this. He's done it. He can go to 1,000 rehabs but unless he takes control of his own life and his own recovery needs, he isn't going to make any changes. Right now, the person I'm most concerned about is you. What do you need to do for you before you hit rock bottom? Even when your son was in rehab and doing well, you still had a very hard time of it because you were worried about what would happen when he got out of rehab. Please take care of you, Gaby, and let HP take care of your son. Interventions usually don't work long-term. Your son knows that he has a serious illness. He also knows who to contact to get help. He's choosing not to do that. You are so right. You can't force him into rehab and even if you could talk him into it for awhile and pay for it, too, he still leaves and makes his own choices about whether or not to use.
Please take care of you, Gaby. Your life matters, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 26th of November 2013 07:44:20 PM
I called a counselor actually a intervention counselor. What has me confused is when speaking to this interventionist, he says to me that I do not need to allow my son to hit rock bottom in order for him to get help. I can try to help him before hitting that bottom. I say to him that I have truly done all I can do. I admit I have been his worst enabler and made everything ok. I called to see what type of other ways I can deal with all this to comfort me. He says that I should find him another rehab and give him a choice before evicting him out in the streets. Well first I can't afford that and second I can't make my son go to another rehab. N third why should I allow him to continue to let my son stay in my home when he broke all boundaries!! N for gosh sake I feel in my heart I've done everything a single parent can do and afford to do. Is this true do I try to save some one I have no control over again. Do I continue the eviction process? Do I try to send him off else where? I made the mistake of trusting him way to soon and yes it back fired but I had faith in him. I feel like I just can't continue to give him comfort. I believe that will kill my son. Can some one help me understand this ??
An intervention counselor does interventions, so naturally he will offer to do an intervention. It is certainly true that you can do an intervention. Interventions have a certain success rate in getting people into rehab, and a certain lower success rate of people staying in rehab and then staying sober longterm. It is not a great success rate, but some people like to feel they have tried every avenue.
So of course this is what the intervention counselor will recommend, since he is focused on interventions. As to whether you should try it, only you can say. It sounds as if you don't have the money for something with such a small success rate.
Many of us have told our A's that they can no longer live with us while they are not in recovery. Or unless they have a good deal of recovery. Or sometimes they have exhausted our resources and we can't have them living with us even when they're solidly in recovery. And as you say, sometimes setting that boundary helps bring home the consequences of their drinking.
But Al-Anon teaches us to focus on what we need for our own serenity, not trying to control the A. What do you need for your serenity? Do you have a meeting and a sponsor? It may be that you need to ask your son to leave, and meetings and your sponsor will help you get clear about that.
Everyone is different .. my definition of bottom is when the emotional pain outweighs the physical need. That bottom is going to look different to each individual. I know more than one RA who didn't have to lose it all. However, many of the people I've met at open AA meetings have had to hit a terrible place to get better. I would encourage you to listen or find an open meeting that is a speaker meeting to help understand the keen alcoholic mind. At least know your son is not alone and neither are you. The seeds have been planted and it's up to him to figure out how to work a program of recovery. Hugs .. how are you taking care of you? Have you read any of the getting them sober series? Very helpful books ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((((Gaby)))) sound like you've reached a bottom...yours and that's the most important one. You know and you know that you know the picture and what is best for you to do...just have to continue doing it until you're done doing it. You know, I know, we all know that to set boundaries and then call them back or break them ourselves is one of the enabling behaviors....you don't want to do that so don't continue on with the boundary and its method that you have set and practice following thru on that. Second guessing is like thinking that there might be something I think I missed in the process and must remember it or else...Actually when I stopped second guessing what I should do and just followed thru on my plan I got over enabling quicker and got more confident in the program. Is second guessing part of the confusion? You're not perfect, none of us are and we will never be. Recovery is about progress not perfection so we'll keep moving forward with you. Go back over some of the old posts of the membership who speak of being very confused. Read that ESH, take a deep breath, look up at your HP and say "walk me thru this please" than stay the course. When you get more experience doing what you normally don't do change will come for you and for him. Like the family here has said "he knows". Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
. I called to see what type of other ways I can deal with all this to comfort me. He says that I should find him another rehab and give him a choice before evicting him out in the streets. Well first I can't afford that and second I can't make my son go to another rehab.
Gaby,
I do understand your anxiety and need to find an answer for your son's continued addiction. The comfort you were seeking from this person was a solution to a problem over which you are powerless as is this person.
The comfort you truly need can be found in alanon meetings, with a sponsor, posting here and attending online meetings.
Being powerless does not mean you are helpless. Your son is responsible for his life,health and recovery. No one can make him recover. HP is a powerful force so that prayer is the best action you can take.
" I made the mistake of trusting him way to soon and yes it back fired but I had faith in him. I feel like I just can't continue to give him comfort. I believe that will kill my son. Can some one help me understand this ??"
Ok, so you see your part.
Now you can do it over again but better this time.
Hi Gaby, I don't know if this is available where I live but I would be asking some questions like Does this counsellor get paid for interventions? if so then its in his best interest to recommend this. Also, I don't believe people can be forced to recover, its like guilt based recovery. Intervening in someones addiction is what Ive always done and it has not worked. To me its still part of the insanity and really is mine to deal with. It's like 'im scared' so I will do this or that to my son. Your fear is yours and only you can stop feeling scared by controlling your thoughts, your sons actions and choices are his, its up to him if he wants to take drugs. He is not a baby or child that is being held captive. He is living the way he wants or chooses to to some extent. I believe recovery comes when they get sick of their own consequences, just like us. When things get too uncomfortable we make changes. Let him fall, have you ever tried that before? Intervening in his addiction has got you nowhere, try something else. Try hands off.
