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Well, I put a note in my husband's truck last night telling him that I was moving forward with divorce plans. I did that because when we discuss, it so often turns into an argument and we end up saying more hurtful things. So sick of every conversation, even pleasant ones, being a land mine. Anyway, I had SO many things I wanted to say but I kept it short and on point but it brought up all of these things that are just screaming to be said so I thought I would get it out here instead.
My letter basically told him that I could not go back to a marriage where my actions are always in suspicion but his are always above question. My transgressions are brought up almost daily but his are to be forgiven, forgotten and in the past - never to be mentioned, much less thought of again. I told him that it is unforgivable that he told our kids, our families and our friends that I had an affair and even though he has been sober for 6 months, he has yet to set the record straight.
I told him how his immature, irresponsible use of alcohol through the years had turned what could have just been a rough patch in a 30 year relationship into the breakup of a family and the destruction of our finances and his health.
I ended by telling him that the trust between us is gone and I have had my dreams on hold for too long and it was time for both of us to move on. That I hoped he would stay sober if not for himself, for his sons who needed to be able to enjoy being young and not worrying about whether or not dad was drinking and heading for death again.
Ok, so that's what I did say Now, the things that I didn't but I am just screaming inside:
1. He lives in our 5 bedroom home like a prince while the kids and I are all out here struggling to pay rent on apartments. Would have been nice to have at least been invited to have T'giving dinner in my own d*** house instead of him going "break bread" with the family that I finally told off in June for being uncaring when he was in the hospital this past June just minutes from their homes and they didn't even check on him or us. I wasn't surprised. It was a typical pattern of behavor from them for the past 2 years that this nonsense was going on. I called them a few times over those years and told them that he was in really bad shape and I was scared and needed help and got nothing but words and never even a follow up call even though I had been with their son and brother since 1983 and we had all had good relationships. Very selfish people.
2. I can't get past the vicious, nasty comments he made to me when he was drunk. I've always heard "drunk words are sober thoughts". Is that really what he thinks of me? Good Lord! Some of the things he brought up go back to before we were married. Sick!! Hard to believe that someone loves you when all that is just below the surface but at the same time he was a very loving husband. I can't figure it out and I'm tired of trying. I just don't think it would ever feel real again.
3. The sleazy, suspicious behavior that I have found out about when he was at his worst. He was so convinced that I had an affair that I can believe he was out for revenge. He denies it but I know what I know and it's very little but the doubts and questions remain and his word is not enough to convince me. I don't even know if that sick brain of his even knows what was going on at that time but I remember everything.
Ugh!! That's enough for now. Thanks for reading or scrolling by - I feel better just writing it out.
-- Edited by wornoutmrsfixit on Tuesday 26th of November 2013 12:22:05 PM
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
So great that you can vent here - its much better to get the words out there, especially where they are heard and understood mrsfixit - and thank you, because if I were do pluck up the courage to vent I would simply say 'ditto"!!
Good for you! The boards here have been a venting place for me many a time...along with my F2F meetings and ever loving sponsor...oh, and therapist! Better out than in...
Sis...you might want to turn this into a burning resentment which is a recovery tool for some. Write or print this out on a piece of paper and then crumple it up and set it on fire and let the ashes fall and get blown away by the wind...gone. Good you brought it here. ((((hugs))))
My x did much of what your x did. He never apologized for any of it. He never owned up to the lies he had told to garner sympathy from folks to include my children. My daughter saw right through him. My son believed him. I doubt yours will either. I learned to deal with what I could - like calling his brother to let him know his brother had told my children that the reason he did drugs and alcohol was because I was having an affair with his brother. That stopped that lie, at least. The rest of it, I had to accept I was powerless over and could only live with my life with integrity and let folks believe what they wanted to believe because there was no way I could stop the lying - or at least most of it.
It might be a blessing in disguise that the family wasn't there? When my son was in a coma, my x MIL, who never tried to see my kids following my separation or divorce, showed up (because she worked in the gift shop at the hospital) and acted like she was the grandmother who was always there and made things harder on me and for me than it would have been without her. She even plopped herself in my chair (only one) in ICU with my son and wouldn't move until I asked her to do so. She'd had 13 years to spend time with my son and my daughter, too, but wasn't there until she wanted to impress her coworkers. I sat in a waiting room full of people since it was my x's turn to sit in ICU with my son while she told the entire room of strangers about my son and how he came from a "dysfunctional family" which had absolutely nothing to do with him being hit by a car and ending up in a coma.
I can certainly understand your feelings when it comes to being in a rental while the x lives in what was your house and your kids', too. I had to sell our house that I did get as part of the divorce settlement, but didn't make enough to keep up with the repairs. If you lived there, would he leave you alone or would he pester you? My kids and I lived in apartments after I sold our house, but now I own my own home in my own name. You might end up doing that, too?
My x said awful things to me and about me when we were married and after we were divorced. If they'd been true, I'd have found it easier to swallow, but they weren't and it hurt. It hurt a lot. Then, one day, I stopped caring what he thought or what he said or what he did. You're on your way, sister. You're on your way. There will come a time when his past words and maybe even his present words and actions won't matter to you anymore. They won't lift you up and they won't bring you down. They just will have no affect on you at all.
