The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Help...I've fallen, and I can't get up... I'm writing from the bedroom, and I've noticed lately that I don't want to leave the room since the A is out there. The A lives out in the living room on the computer and sleeps on the sofa. When I am home I stay in the bedroom and venture out only for necessities. I know I'm in an avoidant mode and that it isn't getting me anywhere. It has not been a pleasant time, but I'm thankful, because I'm aware of what I'm doing and why. I'm getting better, I just haven't been able to get out of the rut yet.
The A has been dry for a couple of days and apparently ran out of his spice at about the same time, then his cigarettes ran out. He hasn't asked me for cigarettes yet. So, apparently we are avoiding each other. Yesterday I realized there is no communicating with him. Maybe from his being in withdrawal? Should I buy him cigarettes? The smoker in me screams "Yes!" But is that enabling?
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Monday 25th of November 2013 05:54:50 PM
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Tuesday 26th of November 2013 04:01:54 AM
Gosh, RJ. I don't have any e/s/h on this at all - except for the cigarette part. I guess I wouldn't buy cigarettes for anybody. I wouldn't do it because I know that the cigarettes are a poison to the system - not because I'd be worried about enabling. If I'm completely honest, knowing how grouchy people can get when their cigarettes are removed from their existence, I might consider doing it - because I'd want to spare myself some drama. But, if I do buy them, I'd still undergo internal drama - so, knowing me as I do, I'd probably refuse. I can walk away from the grouchy person. I can't walk away from me.
Is he not able to buy his own cigarettes? If he's not able to, is that because of something that happened because of his addiction? That is, if he had two broken legs and were bedridden, that might be a good reason not to require that he buy things for himself. But if he had a DUI or were out of money because of his addiction, I wouldn't see that as a reason that somebody should step up and do things for him.
And if he has cigarettes, is that really going to make the difference between him as a functional, giving partner and him as he is right now?
My thought is that if it's uncomfortable to have such a non-functional person around, maybe this is the time to figure out what you can give yourself to make your own life calmer and more rewarding.
If you were my sponsee, I would suggest an increase in face to face meetings for you so you could experience an increase of warmth, acceptance and love. You are an incredibly worthwhile woman and don't need to be spending your precious time buying him cigarettes. Keep coming back....
After reading here I decided to wait and ordered pizza. The funny thing is that while I was waiting for it to be delivered, my son came home with a pizza. My boss came by and blessed my house with some milk and...a pizza! The A went walking to the store and I decided to let him take care of himself. Idk if he got any cigarettes and am not going to worry about it,
PP, I agree that I need to get to F2F meetings. I have some things I'm working on but plan to seek them out in the near future.
Thank you all for your replies and I will keep coming back!
