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Hi all, I little update on some things going on in my life. I kind of wanted to write them out for myself, and figured I would share. ESH welcome.
My AH is 3.5 months dry - no program of recovery.
Last night I went out to an annual friends vegan Thanksgiving. I've been a vegan for about 7 years and a vegetarian for 20. It's a pretty big deal as a vegan to go to a potluck event where you can eat everything! LOL. My husband (not vegan) has gone with me in past years and knows some of the people there, but decided this year he would rather stay home and play video games, especially because the guys he would normally talk to would't be there. This was totally fine with me. I also knew he would be anxious in a social situation like this without being able to drink to medicate his social anxiety. So, I went and had a lovely time. There was a ton of food, so I brought home some leftovers. As soon as I get home he says, "let's see what you brought me." He often does this if I go out for dinner with a friend - he will say, "bring me something." He never goes out with friends, and if he did I would not ask for or expect him to bring me anything. So anyhow, he starts peeping in the fridge at the leftovers to see what there is. And I feel the selfishness rise up in me. And I want to say "No! It's MINE!" And then, in my head, I chastise myself for being selfish. Why can't I just share? I am usually a very reasonable person. And I think about how I really need to not be so selfish and greedy. But then, I suddenly had a revelation! There is a reason I am being selfish about this ONE thing. It's vegan food! Homemade delicious green bean casserole, lasagna, macaroni, mashed potatoes, pie! (I had brought home a scoop or 2 of several dishes, and 3 tiny slices of pie). I am the vegan. Not him. I really really appreciate and enjoy having all this fancy food! It is so special! He can eat ANY food. Anywhere. Any time. It suddenly dawned on me that HE may be the one who is being selfish! Really!? Can't he just leave me to eat my fake macaroni and cheese in peace!? He can go to any store and buy a pumpkin pie or cheesecake. For me to have these foods around is super duper special. I think that maybe it's not me who is being whiny and selfish here. I'm pretty sure. But I still doubt myself. I am also an ACOA and selfish was a term thrown at me many many times by my parents. So I am primed to call myself that and feel guilty for being a selfish greedy person. But in this scenario, I think maybe I am not. And he is playing a victimy baby being all whiny about my vegan leftovers. If he really wanted vegan Thanksgiving food, he should have gone! He could care less about vegan Thanksgiving food. I think he just wants to play the victim. He loves being the victim to try to get me into caretaker role for him. I think I am going to be kind to myself, and not call myself selfish. I know I am a kind and generous person. But on this thing he is making me feel selfish. I'm not selfish.
And, a completely separate and unrelated incident:
Today we walked the dogs. One dog is a neurotic nutjob. We adopted him several years ago and he has a lot of behavior issues. We think he was mistreated or unsocialized or something. He fear issues and is very reactive. Not bitey towards people or anything, just barkey. AH is walking the nutty dog. He always chooses to walk the nutty dog because he gets impatient with the way I handle the nutty dog and criticizes me and then we fight about that. So he usually walks nutty dog to avoid the fighting. So anyhow, on this walk, right at the end, nutty dog gets crazy nutty, barking, chewing its leash, acting blatantly ridiculous. AH gets frustrated very easily. He has a "low frustration tolerance." This has happened in the past, many times. AH thinks that the best thing to do if you have a nutty hyper dog is to grab it by the collar and scream in its face. Like it can understand you :( I HATE when he screams at the dog. When he screams at the dog I shut down. And I think, "How can I be with someone who could treat this poor creature so unkindly?" I think about leaving him. I think what a wuss I am for not leaving and letting him treat this animal this way. I think about difficulty of leaving him and taking both dogs with me. But I feel I am compromising my values to witness this behavior to allow it to continue :( I have spoken to AH about positive training methods in the past, and that the dog acts this way because he is fearful, and screaming at him does not help, but AH thinks it does, and that his way is the obvious way to handle the dog. So there's that. How can I be with someone who can be so cruel to an animal and not have empathy towards the poor innocent dog, who just wants love safety and cookies?
Then there's what happens after. I wasn't feeling well on the walk anyhow and the screaming at the dog literally makes me feel ill. I was putting my coat and gloves away and feeling upset and yucky and I walked back in the room and AH says, "hi." Which is something AH does ALL THE TIME. We can be in the house all day together and he has to say hi to me whenever he sees me. It's to check my mood. He bases his mood on my mood and he checks on me all the time. He will say" Hi" to me like 20 times a day. So he says, "hi" and I ignore him. And he says, "oh, so you're not talking to me now?" And I just say "I don't feel well." It's no use saying anything about him screaming at the dog. It does no good. And then he follows me, "whats wrong? your stomach? your head?" etc etc. Now he wants to be the caretaker of me and look like a good boy. I say, "I just need to be alone." He sulks off.
I don't know where the f I am going with this story. I suppose some of you would be jealous of such a "caring" AH but it's not caring... it's like managing me through checking my mood and trying to caretake me, trying to get back in my good graces by offering to bring me a blanket or whatever. It feels manipulative. It does not feel like it is done out of openheartedness and compassion. It feels obligatory and like his motive is to make himself appear a certain way.
Anyhow, these things happened over the past 2 days. With AH 3.5 months dry things have been much calmer. Or as my AH has said, things are now "boring." But it's incidents like these that remind me to continue to accept and live in reality. He is not in recovery. He is dry, not sober. The behaviors are still there. He just isn't slurring his words, breaking wine glasses, yelling at me and cornering me in rooms anymore. He still can't handle his emotions, can't regulate his emotions, gets frustrated and angry very quickly and easily. I think it's somehow sadder when these things come out of him sober.
I know I am like failing at Al-Anon right now, because this post is all about him ;) What am *I* going to do? Not fall into believing everything is fine because he is dry right now. Continue to go to my meetings. Read my daily readings. Read my other positive books. Live my life as best I can. Hope and pray for myself and for him. Do things that make me feel good. Live each day the best way I possibly can.
Thank you, kind souls, for being here and for listening.
-- Edited by gingerfizz on Monday 25th of November 2013 01:56:35 AM
(((hugs))) thank you for not deleting this, and it is wonderful that you posted here and shared your feelings in a safe and accepting environment. There is no failure at AlAnon, remember? One day at a time, or sometimes I think it is one moment at a time.
Your post touched me, because my A would be cruel to the dog and cats when he was drunk. One of my beloved pair of shelter rescued cats disappeared, and I am maybe wrong for saying this but I often find myself responsible for it since my A was living with me and constantly terrified the pets. I believe it was the A's behavior that caused my cat to run away. It happened after the A brought a stray dog into my home. The dog was endearing, but he killed two kittens, and attacked other animals when he would get away, which was whenever the A was drunk, which was all the time. The A would pinch and harrass the animals and me, and claim nothing was wrong with that. I feel so guilty about all that...I hope it is some small comfort to you to know that you're not alone here.
Wow, I'm just reading this back and thinking, how sick was I to have put up with this? It's hard to let go of yesterday and live in the moment, but that is my goal for now, to learn to live in the present, not the past nor the future.
What is that saying?
Be here now...
XO
Hi ginger
I am glad you didn't delete this post. I also have 2 dogs and an AH who is sober with no program. He was going to AA daily, but has abandoned that now. The behaviors you described are the same for my AH. I have the same internal discussions, how can I be with someone who can't even understand how to treat a dog? It was good for me to read your post
Ginger big hugs, I relate to the food. Mine just never thought twice about taking and not asking. I would have something I really liked save it for the next day at lunch and open an empty container! I can't begin to tell you how angry I would get. All I would hear was oh I should have ordered what you got. He has never been satisfied with what he got himself. He would do this with the kids as well. His rationalization of passive/aggressive behavior was he earned the money so he can take what he wants. He still has that mentality. How sad, small minded and pathetic .. yet that is the disease at it's best. Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, Ginger: Cruelty to animals is not petty. Wanting something to be yours that is yours is also not petty. The whole situation, to me, sounds sad. And I'm wondering if you're tired? Sometimes, when I'm tired I ball everything together in my mind - past, present and future - and I feel overwhelmed. Keep it simple, first things first, how important is it, and HALT all help me gain perspective and clarity on the next steps to take for me. Hope today is a better one for you than yesterday?
It feels manipulative to me, also. I wonder, too, if when I share with a friend if it is too much about him, however, I if I am sharing to process so that I can take the best action, that differs from sharing to dump on another person. And if I do it occasionally and don't make it my ongoing practice, I cut myself some slack. I understand all of your confusion on every issue here and this is a no judgment zone
Surprise- same treatment of the dog here..screaming in his face and dragging him around by the choker-chain he insists on (the dog doesn't even need a lead to be walked; he just heels and comes when I call him yet he needs a choker chain? He's like the best behaved dog in the universe. He doesn't come when ABF calls him, he runs and hides and ABF goes CRAZY at him. Denies that the dog is terrified of him. Idiot.) And even worse is when he gets drunk, decides the dog has been "bad" and has a "training session". I want to choke him when he abuses the dog like that
I hear ya on all of these too. Nothing petty about it! It's the "smaller" stuff that is the most insidious because we aren't quite sure...is it normal or not...that's the stuff that drives me the most crazy anyway.
Hugz.
Yesterday, I could not let the animal cruelty stuff sink in, as there are some days it is too much for me to bear. When I witness cruelty to animals and children, I step in immediately, no questions asked...it is a good thing I don't carry a hand gun. Cruelty brings out the mama lioness behaviors in me...I am 5'3 and weigh 106 and have taken animals away from very large, angry men. Being upset, GF, is definitely not petty.
Thanks for all of your replies and ESH. Thanks for validating me that this is animal cruelty. Of course AH has no empathy or kindness or compassion towards himself so how could he have it towards an animal.
I never wanted kids. I now know, thanks to therapy, that my feelings about kids are a byproduct of my upbringing. But I know it is a huge blessing that I did not have kids with my AH! If he treats the DOGS like this, kids would be even worse! Sometimes I think I am doing the world a favor by keeping him from procreating and bringing a soul into this world to be treated like this by him.
But the poor dogs... I wish I had the balls to say, Nope, this will not continue based on your treatment of the dogs. But I have a high tolerance for unacceptable behavior thanks to my upbringing.
Yes it's the "smaller" stuff as Melly said, that is so insidious.
Ginger: The good news is that with program work, you're noticing that this is not okay with you. You will find a way to stop accepting unacceptable behavior towards you and towards the dogs. We have childhood issues, but we're not stuck there. You are doing a good job of working through old stuff. You can only continue to make changes as you continue your progress with the help of your HP and program work. (((G)))
