The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I remember the Adult Child movement in the 80s. A few may have felt uncomfortable being the parent of an adult child but I assure you that WSO and the Inter group Governing Bodies conducted the business of Alanon by abiding by the Alanon Concepts, Steps and Traditions
The adult child movement wanted to change the Steps, and Traditions and did not have any conference approved literature. That was the reason they were not supported.
I am an Adult Child and attended a few of these meetings. Quite honestly I was shocked by these meetings and found no recovery in the rooms. People sitting on the floor tearing out their hair screaming, ranting and cursing about their pain. Not healthy for me I ran back to alanon
Today there are alanon supported ACOA meetings and literature. The Hope fo Today is an ACOA CAL daily reader The meetings I attended were in the 80. Much has changed since.
At my alanon meetings all are welcomed and encouraged to share their ESH.
-- E
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 24th of November 2013 09:31:52 AM
I've heard a lot of people who experienced ACOA in the way that hotrod described. Since I began my recovery for ACOA with a counselor and with books a decade ago - but no 12 step groups, I only know very little about the history. When I started going to the 12 step groups - I knew enough from going to ACOA meetings here that were combined with alanon that I wasn't going to be going to see what I could get - I was going for what I could give. That has proved to be a positive experience for me. The meetings I attend have taken on a lot of new members since then - as has the ACOA board. Seems there was not a balance in people with recovery to offer - and God has worked to create the healthy balance in both places I attend, and here on the board over the past year since I started. I have found a couple alanon and AA meetings with the same unhealthy balance between those living in the solutions and those that still suffer. ACOA is very young. Considering in the 80's is was less than a decade old - it was acting it's age! It has grown up a lot since then... a reasonable amount in the grand scheme of things. A great place to truly practice love, tolerance, acceptance, spiritual growth and faith. For me, focusing on what I can give instead of what I can take has proved to be a very spiritual path. Some call it rescuing or trying to fix. Only God knows the real reason I call it bringing hope to those who still suffer. As long as He knows - I am okay. I am okay being okay :)
I read this Mother Theresa prayer daily - and pray to the HP I will never understand - and find joy in my faith like I couldn't have dreamed possible.
-- Edited by Tasha on Sunday 24th of November 2013 01:05:21 PM
As I become more familiar with Alanon I have heard a few people talk about the "Adult Child movement."
On Friday night a man in my group said it happened in the 80s or 90s in Alanon (I forget which.)
He said a lot of people in Alanon were upset about it because they don't want to look at their own role as parents, just as a spouse or partner of an alcoholic.
Would someone shed more light please on this, any aspect of it? It seems to me if I "let on" that I'm an Adult Child in Alanon, people don't like it.
I am an Adult Child of An Alcoholic, I would like to share in my area I started out in ACOA meetings
and they were amazing! We adhered to all of Al-Anons steps, traditions & concepts:) Being an ACOA is part of my story, I would encourage you to share that if its part of your story and then others can Take what they like & leave the rest:) depending on our topic for meetings I have often shared this info as well as Always when I am asked to be the guest speaker at a speaker meeting, It is part of my story:)
Thanks For anyone who was misled, I wasn't very clear in the top post. I wasn't talking about ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I was talking about Alanon and Alanon Adult Child meetings.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Sunday 24th of November 2013 05:46:09 PM
Thank you both.
I wondering this is sort of what's going on in AA today, people thinking there are "separate teams".
I find that the Alanon principles work well for both my parents and others. It just takes some simple discernment.
I do find there is more of the "problem" in the one AC meeting I go to but I also find there are a lot of people faking it in regular Alanon and not talking about how they really feel.
I guess we are all human.
I need AC meetings to talk freely about my experience but I also like to be helpful there and add Solution for those who suffer even more than me.
I also like ACA for the same reasons and have learned apt about myself there.
But basically I bring everything I learn back into the AA Big Book Solution otherwise I'm just stuck in ego pain as an Adult Child.
I have also noticed that Alanon cuts right through the B.S. and gets right to the heart of the matter, as there is no experience being shared about drinking
Thanks again
The meeting for which I am the GR has a focus on 'adult children of alcoholics' but all are welcome. Some members are adult children and also have either sons/daughter or one member has a brother who is an alcoholic. Their ESH applies to all.
It sounds to me like the person i your meeting has some serious issues with control, or they are not getting it and it's easier to blame the topic of the meeting than to look at themselves.
I think my biggest concern here is about this Alanon meeting. As a member I stick to Alanon principles. For me it is on the third part of Step 12.
Beside that my SO has another addiction- being in Alanon made all of the difference for me- but I only touch on it here...
...my concern is that I would not like to see this Alanon group being a renegade group and getting offside with Alanon WSO...
...having this open conversation here about ACA or ACoA is healthy and timely. When the CEO of Alanon was in our neck of the woods I sounded him out about ACA. The response he he was much the same at Hotrod's response here...
...to me if Alanon and ACA were to work side by side, it would take 20 or 30 years before this was formalised- and that wold mean ACA wold go through some growth and evolution.
However here on MIP AA, Coda, Alanon and ACA are side by side. I think we can model good relationships and good boundaries.
I have a strong hunch that some members who 'might not fit' in Alanon right away might find a home in ACA.
My ESH... but as I say the conversation is healthy...!
Ah - David - I see we were sharing at the same time and it brought me joy to read your response when I was finished. You have a great mind - big - open - giving - hopeful - peaceful - and the united front in all programs I believe will be the way of the future. Probably not in my life time - but I will do my part today.
Ah - David - I see we were sharing at the same time and it brought me joy to read your response when I was finished.
Thanks Tash.
Years ago books came along like "Women Who Love Too Much" and the Melody Beattie books on codependency. The members of my Alanon group met separately to read and discuss these books. Being the only man I actually read these books on my own.
But no-one bought them into the rooms. And they weren't discussed there.
In my alcoholic home not much was discussed at all. Most discussions became rows! So in Alanon we are allowed to openly discuss these issues- about what we can do and say and discuss in the rooms!
When Jim came up with a posting on Helen Woititz's book on adult children my radar went bleep, bleep, bleep... John, think responded with a posting on Alanon's resources for adult children.
I think it is a tradition 4 issue. My view is that it would be a mistake to believe that non-Cal material should be used here ~as of right~.
I appreciate everyone's honesty here about there experience. Thank you.
I actually have heard a few gripes from both "sides" of the Alanon "vs" Alanon Adult Child in Alanon, but of course it is not most members, but it still piqued my curiosity.
For me I use my discernment and can get and give in all 3 fellowships I belong to.
And yes David, the traditions are where the truth is. I will look at them more.
Gee. I guess some of us can fit in anywhere! :=\
I attended ACOA meetings in my locale in the late 80s or early 90s. The group didn't stay together. My own experience of it was that folks were focused mostly on other people and not on themselves. Primal scream therapy and inner child work was big back then, but there really wasn't any history to support its helpfulness in those years. Even CODA groups here died out. Only AA and Al-Anon has remained constant in our area. NA does have meetings, too, but I think the NA group for parents and spouses of addicts died out as well. I don't know why that is true, but I am glad Al-Anon has remained a constant in our area. I'd like to see more meetings available in our area, but I guess we have what we're going to have for awhile. There have been different start up groups of Al-Anon and one mixed group of AA/Al-Anon, but those didn't pass the longevity test either. Looking at myself as a parent of an addict/alcoholic in Al-Anon has been helpful to me. AA Open and Speaker meetings have also been very helpful to me.
I think you you were quite clear WTI... I think the thread has gotten on and off topic a bit- as we all pick around the issue...
...I have been too a group where one chair just will not call for a reading from "Hope For Today" because that member just believes that it is not CAL Alanon literature.
I think we adult kids, for whom Alanon is our primary source of support, have to just be patient and carve a space for ourselves...
at the beginning I was just so angry about my childhood there was just not enough time or space to deal with it all...
...also I didn't really realise that Joan and Joe Average had their issues and problems too... ..there is just not a place on this earth where we can be entirely free. Especially not *right now!*
i used to have a mission- that was mainly about trying to change everything else! And then maybe I might be able to feel better.
Better, not bitter.
Thanks again... for allowing me, and you, to have a voice...
Thanks for clearing things up for me, WTI. I've never heard of what you addressed other than ACOA or ACA. That's a new one on me. Thanks for letting me know what you were meaning. Alanon Adult Child meetings don't happen in our area that I am aware of at this time. Sorry I misunderstood you. I had no frame of reference for it other than ACA and ACOA until today. Thanks for the info.
Adult child meetings don't meet by me either. Those people who fit that criteria go to the local AlAnon meetings and we all get along just fine.
However, many years ago I decided to branch out my meetings and went to a non-smoking AlAnon meeting in a church that happened to be mostly lesbian alcoholics in AA (I am not either). With the mature member in that group I got along just fine. But there were so many young, immature young ladies there that used the time to bash their parents that it was not a helpful meeting for them or for anyone else in the room. After 6 months I decided to leave and find a new group. I found out that the group disbanded when I found some of the mature women from there in my other groups.
We also have some meetings in our city that are not helpful because the members there use the time to moan and groan about parts of their lives rather than learn how to use the AlAnon program to change their attitudes. There are some long-timers who are now attending those meetings to insist that they stay true to the format of AlAnon.
The traditions are there to help run our meetings. If we stay true to them, then we can work the steps to improve our lives.
I think my biggest concern here is about this Alanon meeting. As a member I stick to Alanon principles. For me it is on the third part of Step 12.