The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Mahalo MIP family for your unconditional love and support in "Sucky, sick feelings" the acceptance allowed me to inventory the event and my part in it and at first I questioned my intentions because it seem no appropriate in subject matter however the inventory reveals the core nature, the tap root of my PTSD which derives from the disease I was born and raised into and with. From the definition of Alcoholism we use to read at the beginning of each and every Al-Anon meeting when I first arrived in Feb. 8 1979 it says in part, "...and we are as affected or more than the alcoholic because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. Therefore we go thru the insanity wide awake". There are no guarantees given by this program of recovery only the promise that if I continue to come back and if I keep an open mind...I will find help. The past is over and still the memory is deep and vivid even while and after the forgivenesses have been done. I discover that what I was trying to do and expecting (there it is again...the future resentment) was understanding and empathy and compassion from those who assaulted me and what I got was "if nothing changes...nothing changes". I can only reasonably expect that from those of you who have worn these shoes and who have had assaulters of your own without reasonable justification to attack.
PTSD is very unhealthy and debilitating. In fact it is disabling. You all understand and you understand also that it is my responsibility to seek healing for it as I have done in the past. I'm grateful for the VA Medical System otherwise I would not be able to afford the consequences of 11/8/11.
This is a statement of gratitude from my heart. It will be placed with the thousands of others I have accumlated over the years. Prayers for you all and thanks.
We can't forget assaults, but we sure can use the memories and the resultant effects of the assault to get close to and to help others who have also lived through attacks of violence that were unprovoked and unexpected. That is the only thing that has really helped me continue in this life - the knowledge that my wounds can be a blessing for others if I do what is necessary to take good care of myself. I have been assaulted many times in various ways. I can't even remember the dates. I can remember who tended to me following the assaults and I choose to focus on them and how they cared for me as I struggled to make sense of what had happened to me and get familiar with the new me that came as a result of the assault. You have helped me, Jerry, with as recent an assault as the one I suffered in an oral surgeon's chair this past August. It might not have been a beating with night sticks but it was an unprovoked assault all the same. I'm grateful for you and for the tender way you helped me work through that experience and the resulting damage that was done to my body that also needed more painful work because another person made a big mistake and tried to cover it up and blame me for his mistake.
I am sorry, Jerry, that someone used their authority to treat you as anyone less than a person worthy of care, respect and kindness. I am also grateful that although you struggle with PTSD as a result of that assault, you use the effects of it to tend to the wounds of others. (((J))) You could use the effects of that assault to wound because you've been wounded. I am very grateful to you for tending to me through that time. I was able to forgive him, see him as a wounded child of HP, and go on to be tended to by others and to tend to others myself.
I truly don't think I could have done that without you tending to me with full understanding of what I'd gone through and tender regard for me. HP bless you, brother, and give you peace.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of November 2013 10:17:21 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of November 2013 10:18:52 AM
I love you Jerry as my brother and friend. I pray for your serenity that the date of 11/8/11 will finally be out of your mind and you will finally be free from he hurt.
I too have a date: 3/06/09
((((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
