The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to use my tools but the situation is getting too much for me -- like using a spoon when you're trying to bail out a sinking boat.
Since I've been separated from my A for a number of years now, he's no longer drinking around me, which is excellent. But I'm still paying the price for the fact that I can't expect him to carry half the weight of taking care of our child (because he's just generally drunk/unreliable/shambolic). My A has good will and he does his best, considering, but I'm really the only grown-up in the picture.
I'm also paying the price for, well, being me. Years of choosing unreliable people, for being the "one who copes," for isolating and not knowing how to deal with people.
It's a busy season and I'm just overwhelmed. And as usual, it's just me again trying to cope with it. A demanding job, never enough money, all the house repairs and car repairs and yard work and trying to advocate for our child who has some ongoing medical issues. I look at those people who have a reliable partner and I can hardly imagine what it's like to be in their shoes. To have somebody else who might get dinner started? Who might make sure lunch gets packed and our son takes a bath? Who might call repairmen for me or even repair things himself? Who might say, "You sit down, let me handle things for a moment."
I think, "What was I thinking? Why did I ever think I could pick such an unreliable, unavailable person and make all this work?" But I was so starved that I grabbed onto anything I could grab onto.
I come home at the end of a day and I'm so tired I start crying. Today my son refused to help carry the groceries in -- he just wandered off the way kids will do -- and instead of being firm and consistent, I lost my cool and yelled and then went up to my room and cried. I totally know this is not good. But I feel like I'm as exhausted as you would be the end of a marathon, but I've actually got many more miles to run.
How do I use my tools to get out of this situation?
I'm so very happy to have learned the lesson of "I'm doing the very best I can with what I have and then accept that as reality". Affirming daily what is is that I have and not judging what I think I am lacking is also good practice...when I stopped judging the alcoholic/addict and started accepting the good of her and the lack of her I gave myself permission to do the same for me. When I stay honest with my self and keep my self continuously in the moment; not look back over my shoulder at the past or in to the future with tired expectations...I'm okay and spiritually quiet. I strive for spiritual quietness continuously because it is in that quiet and stillness that I find Akua, God, my Higher Power who ...is. Attitude and perception are huge recovery lessons and tools for me. Do I see the picture correctly and could I be wrong?
In all of your struggle you still have time to comfort others. Bless you big. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Mattie, I think most of us could relate to your post. Alcoholics have been there at one time in our lives to meet some need or other, for me I often think I had some sort of attachment disorder as a child, I could not bear to see anyone leave me. Alcoholics tend not to leave because they are not really there in the first place. Anyway, having chosen wisely like yourself I too have to live with the consequences but maybe you have forgotten how much better these consequences are than to have the alcoholic right there with you.
I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed and having no one to share the load with, and showing your wee boy your human side is okay, probably a good thing overall. Go easy on you for a while. Sooth yourself for a while. Rest for a while, take a whole day of rest, get into the duvet, put on netflix and watch a boxset, the whole lot, get chocolate. Order a pizza or something for dinner, do nothing!!!!
Then, think about where you could make changes for the better, you and your wee child are a team, give him some of the chores, its a great lesson for him, give him age appropriate tasks, then sort out what is really important, think 'how important is it?' Are there any parts of your life that is demanding but can be stopped, like, I online shop now, saves time and effort.
You are not alone Mattie, you have us here, you have your higher power to lean on too and all those people you are looking at and thinking they have lots of advantages as a couple, I do that from time to time but then I think I dont know what is going on with any other family, I dont know they are happy with the perfect life, the chances are they dont, they will have problems like we , maybe worse problems. A gratitude list is in order. Take care Mattie.x
((((Mattie)))) I relate and wish I had additional wisdom to share. It can be a draining exhaustion. I know that when I find myself sinking - with or without a teaspoon- it often means that I've compared my situation or expectations to what I think they "should" be. Gratitude and asset lists and the serenity prayer help me refocus. Please try not to be so hard on yourself and keep taking good care of you.
Mattie, I am hearing some depression setting in - not that you don't have reasons to be frustrated and tired but valid reasons don't make it better so.... My only suggestions are to write a gratitude list every day until you feel it and just plan nice things for yourself. Life has to be fun and rewarding for you too...it can't all be work and obligations or you start running on empty. So maybe an inventory of if there are enough fun things (ideally yes you do have time for some) and are there enough things your are doing to recharge your spirit/spirituality?
You are one of the most insightful people I've encountered on this board. It stinks that you are not feeling good right now, but your story amazes me as does your program. Take care of yourself.
Not that you need a partner but making time for dating would increase those odds if you can :) My partner helps me get through a lot of things and we have no kids. I feel tired trying to even fathom taking care of an entire house and all the chores on my own and adding kids to the mix. This is part of the reason I keep coming back to this board....because I need the reminders that I need to do more - to do my part. I was like your ex-A in that I refused to step up and was somehow okay to have someone else do it for me and I have to live my life differently now to be a grown up. So while I wouldn't want you to have hardships, seeing you buck up helps me focus on the very things I need to work on the most....still.
Mattie: I got there, too. I can remember coming home at midnight from my 3rd job. My kids were in bed. I paid the sitter and sent her home. I went to bed. I was exhausted and I knew I couldn't keep doing what I was doing no matter how important it was. I can remember lying in bed looking up at the ceiling. This was my prayer: "God. I can't do this anymore. You've got to help me." I went to sleep. Within a month or two of that prayer, doors opened to me that basically made no logical sense but I did what I thought to do - arguing with my HP most of the way, but I did it. I ended up getting one job that paid the bills better than all three combined, a new townhouse that required nothing of me, a location to live 80 miles from my hometown and all the crap I lived with back there, new friends and a new work to do within 4 years after the first job offered to me in the distant setting that was fulfilling and used all my skills and talents to develop. There are times in our lives when we truly can't go any further on our own. I do believe from my own experience, our HP is just waiting for us to yell "Help." (((M)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of November 2013 04:39:44 PM
Mattie my heart goes out to you. I am not in your position but I have a sister who is. It's hard to keep it all together, trying to be a good mom and a good housekeeper and maintain a job so you can pay the bills. One thing my sister finally learned to do is to delegate as much as she could. She used to think that she had to be supermom to her three children, doing it all because they had were in a broken home. And one day she woke up and realized that this WAS the situation they were in and the kids were going to have to start helping. It was an uphill battle for a while because they had let them get away with doing ... well really nothing while she did it all. But she persevered, set boundaries about what was expected of them and the consequences if they failed. And they learned slowly that they needed to be contributing members of the family. We do have to teach our children starting early that they do owe some responsibilities to the family.
We spoiled our son and we are reaping the consequences from that today and he is in his thirties. Meanwhile her children all have jobs and go to school. The two that are still at home realize that life is not a free ride- wish we had been better at teaching our son that. God bless you my dear and please do not think you have to be superwoman!
Hugs Mattie, I fully empathize and understand. Gratitude lists, cutting myself a break I'll cry if I want to and guess what .. that's ok. I was just thinking about a post and I swear you were the one who shared it about building a support system when it comes to kids. It's easy to forget when I feel overwhelmed I can ask for help. I may or may not get it .. if I don't ask I won't know. Sending loads of love and support .. a bad day doesn't equal a bad life. And we all have down days it's the roller coaster of life. Hugs! S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I have had it both ways. For a long time, we had what seemed to be (even to me) the perfect family unit and things are easier with a partner but underneath alcohol and stinkin' thinkin' were burrowing their way in. I can still remember the feeling when he "checked out" and all of the responsibilities fell to me. It was overwhelming so I definitely know the feeling you are experiencing. It sounds like you have been handed a sucky situation and are at your breaking point and need to let some of the crap out. Go for it but try not to dwell in it or depression can sink in. I hope things are already looking brighter today.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I remember those days and they just plain sucked. I believe that dancing kept me sane. I loved (still do) to dance, so I did. I never waited to be asked, either, because I was there to just dance. Fill yourself up with something you just love....you can't give from an empty cup. If you lived closer, I would have my daughter watch your son and we would put on our favorite lipstick, pick up my mom and dad (they are 84 and dance every weekend) and go dancing
MATTIE!!!!!!! As I read your post, I thought...holy cow, I could have written this!
You are entitled to get p-oed. I am sure you do more in an hour than most people do in a week. It's the nature of the cards we are dealt. Sucky, but true. I tend to get stuck in a negative headspace because of my tendency to depression...and I get resentful and angry. The crazier and more stressful my life gets, the more I tend to revert to old, familiar martyr patterns. It ain't pretty.
I have to do better. I love the "flylady" stuff...but sometimes it seems like more mental energy than I can muster. After teaching and working with students all day, then coming home to a trashed house, supper to get, and more grading to do...phew...I get cranky, and it takes significant effort on my part to force myself to do something different to stop being cranky.
I once came up with a list of activities that you can't do and stay p-oed at the same time...like singing, skipping, blowing bubbles, the hokey pokey, sometimes if I can't get my head to change, DOing can help make that shift from negativity. Crocheting works for me too..
I SO get where you are at. It sure is a tough road we have..and some days, when people tell me to count my blessings, it feels like they are invalidating my struggles, which are REAL. That is why I am not going to say that to you. You have every right to be overwhelmed..but girl, YOU GOT THIS. One thing we got is resilience. You are living proof. You've gotten this far...you will keep slogging on...and some days are just going to be lousy. It's okay to say so.
I'm sending TONS of yahyah sisterhood, amazon woman warrior strength...
