The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess I should start by saying that it is my..well..lets just say I am hyper emotional.
My AH who verbally abused me for 10 years, then got into drugs and hanging out with thugs and being out all night, who then went to Rehab for 20 days..and came out a hugely different person. Treats me differently tries to behave differently and talk things out..but is drinking beer again. Coors (better than a half a liter of crown).
I worked a shift today and mentioned to my husband earlier in the day that I was going to stay and buy a pair of jeans. I got off work at 5. Needless to say I *actually* got off at 5:15. I clocked out..then picked out some pants to try on. found a pair..waited for my manager to ring me up. SO I actually HIT the road at 6. I should have texted or called my husband when I got off, but I didn't. (or maybe I should even be expected to ..I don't even know anymore). So at 6pm on the dot, he calls me and is super mad at me for not calling. I apologize and remind him that I bought jeans etc. and that it is just only 6..and that I was going to text him when I was on the road. But that was not good enough. He continues on and talks to me like I am a child. I am frustrated of course and am like OKAY..but in a frustrated way ..so then he gets mad that I am "aggressive'. He is always complaining that I am aggressive. SO I SHUT UP. but that wasn't good enough cause he was mad cause I wasn't saying anything. This is about the time when (a few months ago..before I spent some time apart from him) that I would have wanted to drive into a ditch. I recognized that old feeling but I kept it at bay. But I did end up Screaming bloody murder into the phone. No words just screaming. then I hung up.
When I got home he was clean shaven and was proud of the work he had done on the house (he and another guy had hung new blinds up in the whole house). I said how nice everything looked,but Sometimes I think he expects me to do backflips.
We continued on..I put some things away while he ordered a pizza. He practically traumatized the poor kid taking the order. I can barely even remember what happened. Perhaps it was because I told him I knew he drank, so he just today started drinking in front of me. or maybe it was because his being a little drunk (and all the quirks that come with it) set off a guttural reaction.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND HIM WHEN HE IS DRINKING!
I think it is that simple. I don't like to see him drunk, I don't like to converse with him when he is drunk. I ESPECIALLY don't like it when HE talks to ME drunk. His tone of voice id different. He has a way of putting things that negate me. Like he backs me into a corner. its like the whole" Don't talk to me like that" ..and then when I don't talk.."So thats it now you are gonna just clam up!"
AFter a screaming match and me crying and banging doors etc..I took my things to sleep in another room. I told him to just leave me alone that nothing we are saying to each other is going anywhere, nothing is better. The more I talk to him (and he talks back) the more I want to slam my head into a wall.
He of course berates me for not being there for him, for having my own support (you all) and that he has no support. I never support him. I'm thinking get your own F'ing support.
I don't want to live like this..He says he's only had 3 beers..I don't even think it matters..I likes to remind me that I am a mess and that he has had to put up with me..funny thing is that I don't remember wanting to slam my head against a wall when I lived by myself or at work or when I ran my own businesses. only when he was around..exhibiting alcoholic behavior.
My guess is that most people would not need to report to their partner that they were going to be home an hour late (or maybe only half an hour, if your normal time would have been 5:30?) after having told them they were going shopping after work. From what you say, it sounds as if his drinking escalated his emotionality. And I know that when there's a history of conflict, even a small amount extra can make things tip over the edge.
These things are hard. You're protecting yourself when you say you don't want to be around him if he's been drinking. For alcoholics, that's most of the time. I guess it comes down to the Al-Anon saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?"
Sounds as if you're thinking that through. That is great awareness. Wishing you peace and strength.
As if he wasn't told 23543245234666577 times that AA is where alcoholics go for support. OMG. I don't know how you guys do it. I know my ex-A used to say the most ridiculous things too and so did I. The worst of which was "you never support me!!!" when I was paying all the bills, the only one employed and I supported him through all his crazy ideas for getting rich quick (of course none of which panned out but I was supposed to praise him and get super excited every time he came up with a new plan).
Susie, you are seeing ongoing alcoholism. He is likely going to slowly slide back into being the same alcoholic. You can't change that much in 20 days and he needs a program of recovery otherwise he is just trying to fix that busted part of him using you and alcohol as the glue to keep him together.....and it will never be enough. That is the nature of the disease.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 24th of November 2013 08:03:41 AM
The insanity of the disease clue? When you're angry at him and want to hurt yourself... should be want to help yourself and I understand because I had it bassackwards badly when I first got to Al-Anon. I had to learn how to tell which her I was dealing with also...was it my wife ...or... my alcoholic/addict. Learning that put me into proper perspective and I made better choices between reacting and responding using a 3 second (or longer) rule. He's not sober and you got set up for a short time after he got out of rehab. Sucks...very badly and loudly. Don't get had anymore...get your Al-Anon membership phone numbers and/or your sponsors number and go get some serenity. He starts abusing you again get the phone number for a family service that does TROs and go get one. You're not alone and don't have to go thru this alone and unsupported. Have some ((((hugs))))...you got family.
I agree with Jerry, your husband was never sober, you mentioned that when he came out of rehab he just drank beer, that is not being sober. He is trying to placate you without really doing the real work that needs done. Thats what addicts who are not committed to recovery do, is it that shocking for you? Nothing changed - only his tactics.
You have bought into it, I did this for years too. I bought into it because it seemed better than before, I thought it could last without progression, 'if he could only stick to cans of lager' everything will be fine!!!! It never was.
Maybe you are reaching your bottom, this is about you, forget him, his behaviour is classic alcoholic, what about you? You sound as if you are in a desperate, dark place that only you can get yourself out of. Its not about 'well I will feel better when he does this or that' He cant save you. Thats your job. You will feel better when YOU make the changes.
'Easy does it' go to a meeting as soon as you can, get that support. You dont have to make those overwhelming decisions today. Forget him for today, try to work on soothing you today.x
It's a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. His disease will try to minimize and use you as much as possible to grow even more powerful and destructive. You do not have to live in the disease's shadow or darkness. Lean on Alanon and call family services, a local shelter, or the police for help. Keep doing the next right thing and take good care of you.
(((SS))) You came here for support. I think you got what you came for now?You can probably see all the care we can muster for you oozing onto the board?
My x gave me 20 minutes to go to a grocery store one night. I thought to heck with this. I'm done letting him run me. I'm done letting him take a normal trip to any where at any time on any day for me and turn it into a nightmare experience for me. I was gone 45 minutes and came back to what I anticipated would happen, but it no longer scared me. I was done. I was done. I was done.
Leaving work, shopping after work, going home after shopping to arrive to a blustering alcoholic who has "given you" a time to get home in his mind is absurd. I can certainly understand why you feel like a child when he treats you that way. Who of us would even choose to treat a child like that? Your job is not to do things according to his timetable. Your job is to do things according to your own. I doubt there's any worry that you aren't considerate of him. We codependents work hard at trying to be sensitive to the needs of our loved ones. And its okay to be considerate of yourself in giving yourself the time you want to give yourself to shop after work whether he throws a temper tantrum or not. You also don't have to defend yourself to that cunning, baffling and powerful disease no matter how hard it twists and shouts.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of November 2013 05:00:59 PM
