I am a recovering alcoholic in AA with 3.5 years of sobriety.  I went to a few al-anon meetings with my then girlfriend (now my wife) prior to getting sober.  My wife had been a devoted member of al-anon for more than ten years, but since the birth of our son almost two years ago she has been to maybe five meetings.  When I met my wife, I was still in active alcoholism, and she was what some people might describe as an al-anon black belt; she went to 4-5 meetings a week, she was involved in service, and she would even go away for weekend retreats and conferences.  Having grown up in an alcoholic family, my wife found the program and fellowship of al-anon to be crucial in her life.  Through a combination of my own difficulties in recovery and dealing with my own character defects and her abandoning her program, our marriage has deteriorated over the last year with rapid deterioration over the last four months.  Things have gotten to the point where she has been emotionally and verbally abusive and threatened me with physical violence.  She then becomes impatient with our son because she is angry with me, and she takes her anger out on him.  She then blames me for preventing her from being a "good" parent.  It is not a healthy scenario.  We have been in couples counseling for over three months with no improvement, and we have planned a separation of three weeks where my wife will go to Florida with our son.  They left this morning, and I have returned to our house after being asked to leave a week ago.  In sharing about this in the fellowship of AA, I have received many suggestions that I attend an al-anon meeting to gain both some perspective and some support.  I attended an al-anon meeting this morning, and I found it to be very helpful.  I shared about my experience, and someone spoke with me for a while after the meeting and shared their own similar experience.  What I am wondering is how do I practice loving detachment here?  I love my wife, and I want our marriage to work, but I am unwilling to continue in a relationship where I am being treated this way.  I have let her know this.  I am very concerned because I believe she is very sick right now and that perhaps she is experiencing some post partum issues and she isn't aware of it.  How do I walk the line of being loving and supportive without telling her that she needs help?

Thanks SRUS.  I am wiling to let go of the outcome.  She stopped going to meetings because I think she felt like a lot of women were smothering her and our son when he was a newborn and offering unsolicited mothering advice (at least that's what she shared with me back then).  Her counselor did immediately suggest she go back to al-anon, and she went back for one meeting and then never returned.  That was over three months ago.  I fear that she isn't getting good advice from her counselor, and she is no longer in contact with most of her al-anon support group.  I know that I can't tell her what I think she needs to do.  She wouldn't listen to me anyway.  I just know what a difference a program has made in her life, and I see how much it is missing.

Thanks, Betty.  I did attend an al-anon meeting this morning, and I found it to be both very welcoming and very helpful.  I am planning on attending more meetings, and I hope to gain more perspective on the family part of this disease.

Thanks, Bud.  I believe couples therapy isn't working because while couples sessions themselves seem to make progress, the cyclical pattern of my wife micromanaging my every move and my (admittedly at times) childish response to her demands have made any real and lasting progress impossible.  In other words, things are one way on the therapist's couch and another way entirely when we return to the house.  I can own that I am at fault for engaging in this pattern and allowing it to escalate, and I am just now learning that I don't need to do that.  Admittedly, it is hard to break a pattern of behavior that has existed for over 25 years, but it's necessary if I want to avoid useless argument.  There are certainly my own underlying issues of codependence and a general inability to stand up for myself and set healthy boundaries.  Again, I am just now learning how to start doing that.  My sponsor suggested going to al-anon to help with some of these issues, and I have also had quite a few people in AA make the same suggestion to me in the last few days. 

Understand. Welcome-you're in the right place! I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back, attend face to face meetings, learn all that you can, and tons of practice, practice, practice. Please be gentle with yourself in the process.

In support

Hi Kent, congratulations on 3.5 years sober. I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it and I think that you are very right to recognise that it is not ok to live with verbal and emotional abuse. It is great that the alanon meeting worked out for you and I'm sure that they have more to offer you as well.

I'm afraid to admit it but I have probably behaved a little like your wife and in many strange ways I find it more difficult when AH is not drinking. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud and thrilled when he is sober, but I've grown too used to chaos and am having to learn new ways of being. I think that the little vulnerable child in me thinks 'things are calm and perfect? Really? OK, lets test these waters and see what happens Ha! Tsunami! Told you, nothing changes blah blah!!!'

I know it is stupid. And it must seem terribly unfair. But all I can say is that there are a lot of pent up feelings and perhaps, just perhaps, your wife's behaviour is not about you? She might still have some learning to do, but as you know from your own experiences that is totally 100% up to her. (Oh, one other thing - is she giving herself treats from time to time? Looking after a child is, as you know, quite demanding and folks like us are sometimes apt to give 110% and then wonder why we are feeling irritable! Its not rocket science, but giving ourselves a rest from time to time is really really good )

When I'm acting out, and that is really all it is, what I really want is for husband to tell me 'its going to be ok'. And of course this doesn't happen because I'm describing a disaster and all he wants to do is fix it! It might be different for your wife of course.

I have also been on the receiving end of abuse. It is undermining and it hurts even though the words are not true. I found that I started to cope better when I realised that it was my job to protect my self esteem - it was my most precious possession and I was going to nurture it come what may. From that realisation onwards I was somehow able to calmly face AH when he was having a rant. Again, the best response I've had when under siege is when I've said, (with a smile) 'Would you like a hug?' If that doesn't work then I just walk away.

Oh, by the way, I probably having post partum issues as well as hormonal ones - but I'm still a woman so it is quite possible that I would commit bodily harm if AH mentioned it. Just saying !!!! If AH is loving and supportive I might find the space and confidence to go get help for myself. We are not so different really!