So you think you're detached... - Al-Anon Family Group

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

So you think you're detached...

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

The last sentence I heard from my stbax this year, the beginning of, he was in a car accident broke his hand and face. Called me contrite and asked if I would help. He couldn't drive needed to get to the Dr a place to stay while he recovered and so on. Honestly for me it was the right thing to do because I have a very clear conscience in terms of having to make hard choices later on. He actually said to me when I asked him .. why call me? Well, his verbatim response was "because I knew you would help me. " It was at that moment I just knew that this was the end of that kind of help. It was a switch that flipped for me. Your story and the way toy write I enjoy because that is how I like to express myself. It is admirable that he didn't wear a frying pan as a hat .. lol. For my story the last time my stbax phone for help I had an op in place and he went to jail. I'm unwilling to be used in that manner any more and I'm always willing to help .. I don't like to be used. I think he's received a clear message that boundary is fixed and set in cement as long as he's actively using. Sounds like you did a great job of keeping your serenity .. lol. Humor in disbelief is the only way to fly. Hugs s :)

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Game show detachment... hmmm... good challenge!

Taking action (job hunting, exercising, etc) goes a long way! I'm glad you are making good things happen for you!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Melly)))

I would definately watch that reality show !! Sounds awesome but I would not like to participate biggrin

Keep on taking care of yourself -- You will be OK

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL, as Betty said: I would watch it, but don't think I'd like to participate! Ummm, that would be interesting! Hugs, Melly! Things are coming along for you and I can hear your strength grow in every post!

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks tooth-fairy
I don't feel bad. He was SUCH an a***le to me last night.

www.youtube.com/watch

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 24th of November 2013 07:37:39 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly1248 wrote:

Meanwhile I chatted to my mum on facebook this morning. She's been following my blog. She loves it. You could have knocked me down with a feather. She said "you're funny Melissa. I read another blog and you are better. You should submit stuff. You're very talented and you should be getting paid"
I said "seriously? What if i decided to devote more time and energy to writing, would you think that was stupid?"and she said "no, you should do what makes you happy and I enjoy what you write so other people will too".
I could seriously float away on the knowledge that my mum thinks I am OK at something

Dear Melly

I am so happy for you. That mom read your writing, thinks you are writing good enough to be professional is a great gift.

How special for you Made my day!!!

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 24th of November 2013 10:20:16 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Your doing so good with what you have. Ask and he shall provide. I can pray your A will get tired soon of not having a frig and help you get one. One can only pray..

Oh.....power go's out....no gaming....?????

Take care my friend....will be praying for good outcome

((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

biggrin to Stand & Deliver. blankstare To his disease giving you a hard time. I'm sorry, Melly. Keep blogging, sister.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of November 2013 10:15:46 PM

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, the power was cut.
Please don't say it's wrong to enjoy this moment. Mwahahahaha
The moment his game stopped he raced out in a panic and asked to use my phone. Sorry mate, I'm out of credit.
He's gone off to find a public phone box. I know there is an old rotary phone in the shed but I am not interested in looking for it so i haven't mentioned it. Meanwhile I have my charged laptop, wifi generator and a coffee bubbling away on my camping stove. You can't tell me it's not OK to enjoy this. I was prepared. Even loaded up my tablet with shows to watch with my kid tonight if the power is still off.
If it comes to day 2, we have candles and I stocked up on books from the library.
Don't say I am mean to laugh. He had 2 freaking months of warnings; I reminded him last night.
If anything runs out of charge, I have car-chargers.
And a solar charger for the phones. I am a neo-survivalist lol. If things really get bad, i can make water from gum leaves and gladwrap

Meanwhile I chatted to my mum on facebook this morning. She's been following my blog. She loves it. You could have knocked me down with a feather. She said "you're funny Melissa. I read another blog and you are better. You should submit stuff. You're very talented and you should be getting paid"
I said "seriously? What if i decided to devote more time and energy to writing, would you think that was stupid?"and she said "no, you should do what makes you happy and I enjoy what you write so other people will too".
I could seriously float away on the knowledge that my mum thinks I am OK at something

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not wrong to enjoy the moment, Melly. Natural consequences are the best we can ask for in the lives of our loved ones. What's funny to me is your Mwahahaha! Stay close to us, though. When he returns - ooooooooooo. Could be an ugly show. Until then, glad you have coffee, your laptop, candles, books and most importantly - YOUR MOM"S SUPPORT!!! Blog away, sister. What a good feeling for you! Thank you for sharing your joy with us.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow Melly, you are a tough cookie, getting yourself ready and allowing a crisis to come, this took strength and courage. Not to mention sheer determination. I wish there was something I could do for you to show my support. Our program says not to prevent a crisis so you could be one perfect alanoner right now. Thinking of you and I hope all goes well.x

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks el-cee.
Maybe I'm getting better at self-preservation. I've no delusions that it has the slightest of impacts on him. But as long as I stay away from him and don't engage in his life or decisions in any way, I can't get sucked in or blamed and thus I don't end up losing my cool. I think he truly can't believe that I am not trying to talk to him about his lost job or looking up new ones for him or trying to set up interviews...I haven't even asked him about unemployment benefits. I'll pay my half of the rent and if he doesn't pay his and we are evicted, well, OK. Put our stuff in storage and spend a few weeks of the summer as gypsies visiting family (daughter and I, I mean) and start over. U know the only thing really worrying me is, my parents just bought my daughter a trampoline. They are coming to assemble it this weekend. If I have to move out my mum will make a huge song and dance about it. lol. This seems to concern me more than anything. Must be so hard-wired into me.....do not upset mother...lol.

I got what I wanted out of the electricity bill situation. He had it connected in his name. Now I need a clever way to make him pay half of the old bill because it's not fair that I have that mammoth debt. I suppose I'll just add it to the pile of money he owes... and think positive...he might get another job and cough up some money...he does sometimes...ugh. Maybe I'll just pay off the old one and leave him to pay the new one... it's not the first bill he has left me with so that's probably quite fair enough actually...?? Wow, when I was a little girl I dreamed that one day I'd have to make decisions like this all by myself while my giant man-baby partner played computer games in the nude, surrounded by garbage...wasn't that what we all dreamed of?

He came home with beer and wanted me to sit with him and drink while the power was out. He started up one of his get rich quick schemes. I told him I was done listening to his ridiculous fantasies and that I have no more time for it. I didn't mean to say anything but I hit the limit of my BS tolerance. He took that to mean I am leaving and has been making sad eyes at me ever since. I didn't really mean anything by it I just wanted him to stop babbling his absurd bull-poo. It was more than I could handle on top of everything else.

I'm glad I'm not involved in his choices; I'm glad I'm not arguing with him...and I'm a little bit crushed. It was the longest he has had a job in the time I have known him. I guess somewhere deep down I thought maybe...maybe he was growing up or something...silly huh :-/ to realise that I was still hanging on to some hope after all of these years of outrageous bull----, after all of the abuse and exploitation and childish nonsense and utter, utter lack of anything resembling responsibility, I still had hope. Pitiful, really.

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 26th of November 2013 11:33:44 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It's not pitiful. It's being affected by alcoholism and we've all spent years hoping for change. Don't be hard on yourself. Your doing great. Awareness is coming to me also and. It's better to have the facts than our own cloudy view of things. Denial kept me locked in but im getting freer as time in recovery goes on. Try not feel bad about the trampoline. It can be stored. Your decisions based on healthy choices are much more important. Take care.x

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah

I wouldn't make decisions based on the trampoline it's just funny that I keep coming back to it when there are so many larger concerns lol. I suppose setting it up was symbolic of the fact that I had started to feel like things were more stable here...like we didn't need to be ready to move out...so it was OK to start making it feel more like a home...I guess not, I won't be able to enjoy that feeling until I make some major changes so that the stability of my home is not in any way tied to someone else's behaviour and choices.

It was hot this evening. Daughter came home from school and I decided we would use some movie vouchers we had so we got on a bus and went to see a movie she has been desperate to see. It was GOOD to go and do something just for fun. Daughter was so surprised and pleased. That's the stuff that really matters.

Yay

Mari1978 · Senior Member

I suppose setting it up was symbolic of the fact that I had started to feel like things were more stable here...like we didn't need to be ready to move out...so it was OK to start making it feel more like a home..

I can relate to that feeling.
It seems as though every time I made the effort to make the house more of a home something negative would happen. For an instance I remember the day I hung our family photo on the wall, that was the day I learned of the affair. Looking back each time it felt we would take one positive step forward, we would end up two steps back. So determined I was to "make" things work. Gee, I sure liked to stand in HP's way.

That's wonderful you were able to enjoy the movies with your daughter. You surely are resourceful.

In support

M

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.