The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What my family has been dealing with is my 31 year old brother who has been a drug addict for about 11-12 years. He started of smoking pot, which led to cocaine, and now he's a full blown crack addict and we suspect possibly meth too.
The last 6 months have been the worst by far. He has lost everything. His long term girlfriend kicked him out in July because of his drug abuse. He hasn't had a job since then either. His truck (which is basically wrecked anyways because he didn't look after it) is being repossessed this friday. He had some furniture in a storage facility and has never paid the bill for that so all of his belongings will be auctioned off on Feb. 3. I know that addicts have to lose everything to hit rock bottom and I'm actually kind of glad that he losing his belongings, because all of his life he's had this attitude that he's above the law and traditional rules. I kept warning him that bank would eventually repossess his truck and he would never believe it. He'd always say that they had no right to do that.
For the last 6 months he has bounced around from place to place. He lasted a week at my house in July when he was trying to clean up and was waiting to get into rehab. Caught him smoking crack and I had to kick him out. It was hard, but I knew I had to follow through with the consequences. Unfortunately, it's a little harder for my mom to do the same. Then he bounced around from crack house to crack house. Every time something bad happens to him he breaks down, comes crying to us for help. Swears that he wants to go into rehab and then the cycle starts!
We can never get him into rehab right away, so that means staying at my mom's. He starts off okay for a day or two, then the lying and verbal abuse starts. Up until now we have tolerated it because we say to ourselves, "only 4 more days and he'll be in rehab" and if we kick him out now, we've lost that chance to get him help. Then, as always, he screws up by lying, getting caught doing drugs, stealing, etc.
He lies constantly. He even lies things that there would be no reason to lie about. After he and his girlfriend broke up, she told me that he had told her that he grew up in a house where his mother was never around (our parents divorced when we were toddlers and my mom remarried a few years later) and that we had no food. It seems so bizarre that he would tell her all of this. We grew up in a middle class family, we lived in a brand new house, we always had food, nice clothes and I rarely remember my mom even going out anywhere. We were loved, supported, everything children could ask for. I suppose he just tried to play on his girlfriend's sympathies in order to get her to feel sorry for him so she'd love him. Another weird thing he did was that after living with her for 3 years, he didn't ever tell her he wore contact lenses. He obviously has really low self-esteem and like they say: you can't love anyone else until you learn to love yourself. We are trying to find out if he's got mental issures (bipolar maybe), if it's just the effects of the drugs, or if he has brain damage from the drugs. Sad thing is, we might never know which it is.
After staying at mom's for about a week (he promised that he was going to go to rehab again) we kicked him out of my mom's Saturday afternoon because he went and did crack Friday night (lied and said he'd found a job and that he'd been working that night, but as usual, we double checked and he got caught lying).
I was almost kind of relieved he was gone. I can't stand seeing him treat our mother that way. He has no respect and he even admits that he never had any intentions on going to rehab. So he was just using her for a place to stay. I know my mom really needed a break too as I think she was close to having a nervous breakdown.
Then last night we get a phone call. He's at the hospital, he is drunk, high on crack and has been shot in the eye with a pellet gun. Our local hospital couldn't do anything about it here so my mom and step-dad had to drive him 2 and half hours to a hospital in a bigger city. Luckily, the damage to his eye is minimal. It didn't actually pierce his eyeball, it went in between his eyeball and the socket. It didn't damage any muscle or nerves and they aren't even going to remove it because it would do more damage than good to cut in there to get it out. So he'll be alright after everything heals. But, once again, he screwed up and there's no consequence. He'll probably be laughing about it in a couple weeks.
Now the problem is that when they bring him back tomorrow what will my mom do with him? I know what she should do, but she'll probably give in and feel sorry for him and he'll end up back at her place and the whole cycle will start all over. Not that I blame her though, because I have two children of my own and I couldn't imagine telling them they were not welcome in my home.
It's so easy to say that you need to cut off the addict so they realize that they need to change their ways, but like the saying goes, "easier said than done." I thought that my mom had really made progress on Saturday by telling him he had to leave and not putting up with his verbal abuse and drug abuse any more. But like I already said, I'm afraid of what will happen when they get back.
I know I have to distance myself from his problems and just worry about myself. It's hard to do though. I think about it all the time. It makes me angry, sad, upset, frustrated. I have my own family to worry about too. I have a good life. I have a great husband, and beautiful kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and live a very full life. Trouble is, I can't enjoy it because I am constantly stressed out. I feel like my brother's actions are ruining my life. I want so badly to be happy and worry free.
I do have good days where I feel pretty good (it's still in the back of my mind though). But I also have bad days that are really hard to get through. Sometimes I wonder that with so much stress, etc. how it's even possible to survive sometimes.
__________________
Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
I'm so sorry about your brother. It is so hard to deal with this disease. Take care of yourself and your family. Most likely nothing you do will help or hinder your brother's progress. He will or he will not recover--hopefully he will recover.
JAYDA________I know that addicts have to lose everything to hit rock bottom and I'm actually kind of glad that he losing his belongings, because all of his life he's had this attitude that he's above the law and traditional rules. I kept warning him that bank would eventually repossess his truck and he would never believe it. He'd always say that they had no right to do that.
ME_________i know what U R feeling....my brother seems to say "just above" the abyss and so he denys that he has a real problem with his drugs/ drinking........i have seen him "lose everything" but so far that has not brought him to step ONE.....i don't know what it takes.....but i detach....it is not my problem........i didn't cause it......i cannot control it......and i definitely cannot cure it.......peace / rosie
Thanks. I'm trying to detach from it. In my head I know it's not my problem or not my fault. It's so hard to do though. A person wants to be able to solve the problems for him because he's so screwed up. It's hard not to think about him and worry about him and go over and over in your head thinking "what can I do???? There must be something I can do to make him stop."
__________________
Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
It's hard I know, to really accept that you do not have the power to save him.
You CAN, however, do a lot for yourself. You have a job to do, which you may be neglecting in your worry over your brother. Your job is to be the best you that you can be; to be present for your children and husband; to support your mom through this trying time. You can't do these things if you are obsessing over your brother. When my husband was screwing up, and getting into his various messes, I used to almost feel disloyal if I wasn't worried and upset about the whole thing all the time. If I just had some joy in my life, forgot about him for a while, I felt that I was letting him down, in some way. Really, though, what I was doing was letting him GO, which is a different thing. When he finally did choose recovery, it had nothing to do with me; in fact I think the fact that I had mostly stopped stressing about him freed him to make the choice he needed to make - he wasn't fighting me, pushing back "you can't tell me what to do".
Welcome, people here understand what you are going through, as others cannot.
I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. My husband has addictions to alcohol, cocaine, crack basically anything that he can self medicate with when he feels the need. I know how hard it is to detach from the lies, manipulations and person when needed. I'm learning right along with you. I applaud myself some days even for the tiniest of steps to take care of myself and learn to refocus my energy and thoughts. Each tiny step gets a little easier and makes me a little happier. I hope you can find the same peace.
A line in your post stood out to me
"We are trying to find out if he's got mental issures (bipolar maybe), if it's just the effects of the drugs, or if he has brain damage from the drugs. Sad thing is, we might never know which it is."
My husband was diagnosed bipolar, so was a good friend of ours from childhood who also has addictions, along with a few others I have talked to. I wonder if it is the bipolar that fuels the addictions sometimes, or the addictions bring on the change in brain chenistry, or a combination. I suppose it is different for everyone and there are all sorts of reasons and hypothesis. Maybe it is just one of those things where I look for a logical answer for an illogical disease.
My a is an alcoholic/addict. His drug of choice is crack. He went to rehab last year in April. He was completely clean for about 3 months. After that he started drinking again, then went back to occasional crack use. He has been off of alcohol for about 4 months now, but the crack use has gotten worse. He said last night maybe he had no desire to drink, because he was using crack.
I knew he had had some relapses. I was hoping beyond all hope it was small relapses (if there is even such a thing). Last night I found out he has been using just about daily for the past 3 weeks. Which doesn't seem like much, but I know it is just the beginning. I want him to go back to rehab although we don't have insurance for him and last time it cost us $12,000. I don't know where we could ever come up with that again. He told me he doesn't want to just quit his job, he feels like it's just time for him to "grow up" and do what he needs to do--make meetings and fight the cravings. While part of me applauds this the other part is screaming "NO"--you can't do it alone, you need to fully remove yourself for a while from this area. But he does have 4 felonies and it's not like jobs are growing on trees, and we really do need the money. I don't know if he is tring to be grown up or just make excuses--I guess only time will tell.
I know this is tearing you all apart. I wish you luck and peace!!!!!
Sorry I went off on my own tangent--just dealing with a good bit of stuff today myself.
Thank you to everyone who has replied. I value all of your comments. Somehow, having others who share in the same pain makes it seem like a little bit less of a burden. It takes away that feeling of loneliness and frustration a bit. I'm still trying to learn how to separate myself from my brother's problems. Not that I feel responsible, but as a big sister (even though we are adults) I still have that instinct to look after him (and to tell him what to do like when we were kids...doesn't work so well now though).
__________________
Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
I too have a brother as an addict and am so happy to hear others stories in the sense that it too makes me feel less alone. My brother has been an addict for about 20 years. He constantly lies and uses our parents. I have kids too and can't imagine kicking out my child, but as a sibling I KNOW that the longer they allow him to use them, the worse he is going to get. He has taken and continues to take year and years. It's hard though to see your parents give so much with nothing ever appreciated. Part of me thinks well, I'm the "good one " here and I never ask for anything? I'm a grown up women and still feel that silly childish sibling thing. I barely can talk to my parents about it because they will give into my brother probably out of guilt and but then I get frustrated because they expect different things out of him, when they don't change their reactions. Always going to help. I do worry alot of when their not here anymore and then the burden of addicted brother will fall onto me. How do you explain the brother to your kids? That's the other tricky thing. My kids are very young and they love their uncle, although they rarely see him now that he's using a lot. I don't want them to know everything, but then I won't lie to them either? I want to protect them from the awfulness in the world (drugs). My brother isn't a bad person. That I want my kids to know. But I certainly want them to know this IS NOT acceptable life to lead.
