Hello

I have been visiting this forum on and off for the last several months.  Don't really feel qualified to participate since I am not actively involved in alanon at this time.  But found many of the posts relevant to my situation and found that this site seems very safe.  My son is an addict and has been for several years.  I am finally to a point (my husband has much better boundaries than I do) that I realize I need to let go.  Stop trying to make sure he has a roof over his head and food to eat, a cell phone so he can keep in touch.  I'm to the point of being "done".  I love my son, he is in my heart.  He gives me these glimpses of who and what he could be if he was healthy.  But of course those are brief and then the addict grabs hold of his soul and reveals what he is at this time.  

This isn't new or earth shattering for me, but I'm simply worn out.  My question is, what does "letting go" really mean?  Does it mean "no contact"?  Does it mean "I'll talk to you, but give you no money"?  Does it mean "I simply will not be drawn into the drama anymore" (but some kinds of support, food, shelter remain)? Perhaps it's different for each person and situation?

I have found an alanon meeting that is near my home and I plan to try it out, but can't get to it for a couple of weeks due to the holiday.  (why does this have to happen right in the middle of the holidays?)  And I know that one meeting does not make a recovery, but tonight as I try to sort my thoughts out on how to proceed, some input would be gratefully appreciated.

 

Welcome! Of course you belong here!!!

for me letting go is dropping the rock. I will not carry around the pain anymore, the useless worrying and wondering. I honestly trust my HP to watch over my loved one.

hugs, keep coming!!!! love,debilyn

Welcome heythere

I finally after many years let go and let God. I also have to detach with love. I had to quit all enabling, helping and even keeping my distance from my son. I set boundaries for me so I wouldn't have to see my son destroying his life. I love him dearly and will support recovery 100% but I will not stand by watching him kill himself.

Keeping coming back because you are not alone.....
((( hugs )))

Im sorry you are going through this. I am also on a similar path with my son. I really like your question and the answers. I have let go of so much and am also struggling with this. I have let go of trying to fix and control. I have accepted I am powerless over him and his choices. I have let go of many expectations ofhim. He may never have the life iI wanted for him. I struggle with this one but im trying to let go of the little boy that he was because he's gone. Im dealing with a totally different person now. I am taking control of my own life now. I am guarding parts of my life from him. Like my finances. My feelings and emotions. My health. My home and other family members because he has the potential and has destroyed it through his behaviour and choices. This is what I must do if im to have a life. It's only through alanon that I have learned that I am entitled to a life and in fact I am wrong not to peruse my own happiness. Such a revelation to me. In some ways letting go is like a death. I know I have grieved for the son of my dreams. I am more open to unconditional love now. So letting go of a fantasy accepting the reality hasbeen a process and iI've still got much to learn.

I am certainly a work in progress. And thank you all for your input, very enlightening and comforting coming from others who have been thru the same/similar experiences. The hardest thing for me right now is the sadness. As I work on figuring out this letting go and detaching with love, I'm so sad, but then I was sad before too. Will keep moving forward and learning with alanon.

Our addict children tear our hearts out. Gaby I am so sad to hear your story. Cathyinez, el-cee I hope to be as balanced as you are someday.

A bit more of my story. We asked our son to leave the house in February of 2012. At that time he had been abusing pain pills and xanax, (but sometimes smoking heroin among other things) and I had come home from work to find him passed out, again. We had talked to him before, multiple times that if he continued to abuse these drugs he would have to leave the house. I was just getting ready to start treatment for rectal cancer (basically spent most of last year doing chemo & radiation) and for once it had become abundantly clear to me that I HAD to take care of myself. Prior to this he had spent multiple times in various programs and rehabs over the previous 9 years. So we go thru the painful process of booting him out of the house and telling him the only way we would help was if he would go to sober living. Long story short, after about 2 months bouncing around, he ended up in a 90 day rehab (bare bones, very real & in your face kind of place) he did great, he always does well with lots of structure. We, once again, believed that he was on track. He moved into sober living and the downhill spiral started about 30 days later. All he has wanted to do is move home, and actually manipulated his way in for a couple of weeks while he was suppose to be looking for another sober living home. Then he totaled his sister's car while driving under the influence and he has been out of the house since.

He actually cleaned up his act for a couple of months earlier this year, but that was short lived. And this is where my story is and I wonder when the nightmare will stop, if ever. Unlike your children, he wants to come home. He has used every trick in the book to try and get back under our roof. He needs our love and support, he keeps getting worse the longer he is "out there", the places he stays are dirty, the people he stays with steal his stuff, on and on and on. The thing most obvious to us, he is the one who is always asked to leave. We have made sure he has roof over his head and food and a cell phone. He has been working a couple of weeks each month and makes enough to help defray some of the expenses. But then he gets messed up and somehow the money gets lost or stolen, etc. Why do I continue to help himthats why I'm here to address these issues and get myself to a better, more balanced place.

Today he called and said $1100 was stolen from his back pack. He was suppose to be working today, why would any reasonable person leave that much money anywhere, let alone in a house where people allegedly steal from you? How did he come upon that much money? He has only worked 3 days this month, conclusion, he was selling drugsand he tried to tell me he had had a good payday. Or it was just another attempt at demonstrating how bad the place he lives is? I was already unhappy with him for some other things that happened earlier this week. It is just unending drama and I am done. He refuses to attend AA or NA meetings (he says they don't help him), find a sponsor, do anything to help himself, his solution is to move back home. I texted him that I loved him but I could no longer handle the physical and emotional toll this was taking on me and that I wanted no contact. He actually responded with, "When you are ready, contact me, goodnight." And while I know this "no contact" is temporary, I know it is necessary to protect myself until I figure some of this stuff out.

While this is all pretty unpleasant, a weight lifted from my shoulders when I decided on the no contact. Nothing is fixed, the holidays are bearing down, but I'm hoping the tools I will be learning thru alanon will help me get to some sort of balanced place where I can sleep at night and take better care of myself. I needed to vent, thanks for listening.

I'm sorry to hear about your story too. There disease will take a toll on us , physically , mentally and emotionally. Your son too has some sobriety tools that he too can use. At this time our children choose another path of self dystruction. We truly have no control of there actions. You sound like you have allowed more then he deserved as I did too. I always took my sons word and believed he is good now. Well I again was fooled, but even though this kills me this disease is about him. I can chose to live in his disease or allow him to hit his rock bottom and what that bottom maybe I have no control.. I can cry and live in fear and worry everyday as I do. But it took a huge toll on my mentally and physically. As long as that drug or alcohol has a hold of our children they are truly not caring about no one but them selfs. I have never allowed my son hit his bottom. I bailed him out of jail, 4 rehabs, gave him money, cell phone a car and a roof over his head all so he can say "F you mom I'll call you when I am ready" well I hurt and even after that said I still reach out and just ask I pray your ok today. Well my son at this time cares about no one but himself. Until he moves out of my rental which is 7 houses down from me. I stay at my in laws house with my daughter. I need to keep that distance from him. One day and I pray soon they will get tired of being tired. Please do not give him that comfort of coming home it will only make things harder for you and in you. I did it 3 times and this time right after rehab and moving him down the street from me I thought it would be different. Well again he had me so fooled. I got on my knees and pray for strength and to except the things I can not change. I have faith in our higher power and I will continue to have hope for my son. For the moment I want to have my peace. And I am truly work in progress. When this will all end we will never know for them but we do not have to continue living in there chaos. Just know you are not alone.

I am guilty of the enabling, and I know better. Shame on me. I remember what one of the directors of a rehab my son went to (2 rehabs ago), she was a mom also, her son had been an addict. She said in regards to enabling by parents, "we can love our children to death". I needed to remember that today, tomorrow and yesterday. In trying to help him fulfill his obligations to the courts to minimize the damage to his record (2 different counties, a DUI and a trespassing and a pending Under the Influence of a controled substance) I got caught back up in the co-dependent/enabling behavior. I think that has contributed to my stress levels, knowing that I was doing something to "help", when in reality (I knew) it was just allowing him to be "comfortable in his disease" (Cathyinaz thank you for the phrase). I'm not trying to punish him with "no contact", I'm trying to get myself put back together and get healthy, one, to protect myself & take my life back and two, be able to be of support to him, if and when he decides to get serious about his sobriety and recovery. (((hugs))) to all the long suffering parents of addict/alcoholics.

When I feel and say to myself Let Go and Let God I get such a wonderful feeling that my HP is really hearing me. It takes such a weight off of my shoulders that I am not alone.