The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am hurting do much. I texted my son and he usually responds right away. I feel something is wrong. I just don't want to know. I am praying every minute for both he and I. I am falling back to my depression. I just need some support. I love my son but I can't help him if he is not ready. How after 5 months of recovery you relapse in 28 days and now we are back to square one. Why ?????
Sounds like a meeting would be a good thing right now. Do you have one? A sponsor, too? Times like this deserve all the support we can get.
As to why they relapse -- it's because what alcoholics do. What Al-Anon helps us do is not to make our own serenity hinge on anyone else's choices or actions. They may be choosing chaos and difficulty, but we don't have to walk in lockstep with that -- we can choose peace for ourselves.
As the Al-Anon saying goes, "He's going to do what he's going to do [drink, or whatever] -- what are you going to do?"
When we put the emphasis back on our own health and well-being, we get better. As a side effect, all our relationships get better too.
I was in your shoes not too long ago. I went week and after week saying "WHY" why is he doing this knowing he will either be in prison, go insane or DIE.
He went to rehab and had one good month of intense therapy learning some of the tools needed when he got out....so he could continue with a good solid program. 4 days later he was drinking.
This time it changed me. It made me realize I can't enable him into recovery, I can't beg him into recovery, I can't love him into recovery. I started thinking...he has the tools and all the knowledge to make the right choices and to recovery if HE wants to. I don't need to tell him anymore. I don't need to watch him anymore. I don't even need to cry for him anymore. I can pray for him and let go. I can completely let him fall down and hit that bottom no matter what.
Yeah it's scary and yeah it hurts and heartbreaking but I can't go through this again. I need to take care of me or I will go down with him. I was told maybe being homeless might be a good thing for him. I was telling myself NO WAY......I can't have my son hungry, hurt, cold and scared.....not my poor baby. WELL, things have changed. He needs to know what his choices might do to him. He needs to hurt, to feel the true pain of addiction.
We love you Gaby and don't want you to be alone in this, we are here. You might now consider Al-anon and seek the help you need.
Open Letter from the Alcoholic or Addict
I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Gaby .. Hugs .. I can't imagine the pain you feel.
I know for me I had to stop asking "why" and start asking myself "what" .. the why is easy .. he's an addict, he is literally doing what addicts do. There is a reading on Pg 82/83? in C2C about pigeons .. and pigeons do what pigeons do which is eat, poop and fly .. not necessarily in that order.
I DO encourage you to start asking the "what" question. I had to start with what can I DO to help ME? What can I do to work on MY recovery? Believe it or not .. if it's good for me .. it's good for everyone else as well. More importantly YOU matter and if you aren't ok .. then it's hard to get ok. The old patterns will continue to play out. In order for things to change EVERYTHING has to change. I had to first accept (radically) that I am powerless over the alcoholic. Regardless of my intensions I was getting worse not better and I had to give him over to his HP or I was going to be more lost than I already was.
Sending you lots of love and support .. it's not an easy journey and I put myself through more pain than I need to in specific situations .. it does get better.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you all. I needed this. Yes I have a Sponser and I reach out all the time. I have to make more time for ala non meetings and possibly even AA meetings to understand the disease.. I am getting sick physically and I pray and pray.. I do need to take care of me. God bless..
Gaby...not sure what you pray for but it helps more to pray for the strength to deal with whatever happens. Praying to god to make him sober migh hurt you more than help.
Everyone is born with a will to survive. Quite often addicts are excellent at surviving. The chances of him being in trouble if he is not responding to your texts is low. It's more likely that he is actually quite happy where he is doing just what he wants to do. My son does these disappearing acts and my mind can run riot. It's comforting to know that he has a hp too. I also like visualising him wrapped in a quilt and handing him over. Meetings will help.x
Gaby, I've been there, too. When I quit asking why and started asking what is the next right thing for me to do, listened, and did what came to me which usually was right in front of me at the time, I felt my strength and my faith return. We can hate what the disease does to our loved ones and pray for them as we would anyone else who is sick. We can work the steps, seek out people who understand the disease and learn from them, and trust our HP to help us continue our lives in ways that make us happy. The last thing that will influence anyone - including our kids - in a positive way - is us being down and sick. They're already down and sick. We can't be of any help to them if we're just as down and sick as they are.
I really want to be happy. That doesn't mean I don't have hard days or sad days or tearful days. I do. But, I have learned that I really don't want to spend the entirety of my life being defeated over and over again by a disease that is baffling, cunning and powerful that I can't fight, fix, or flee. I'd rather live my life one day at a time looking for ways to adjust my attitude to align it with my HP's will for me and trust HP's care for my child.
You are a gift to life, Gaby. There is only one of you. There'll never be another you. Please take good care of yourself.
Asking Why for stuff like this is like asking why bad things happen to good people...why is there famine, poverty? I can come up with some basic stuff for why relapses occur: After 5 years of being in the program and sober, I have seen people relapse with as much as 25 year sober. 5 months is a decent chunk of time but it is still VERY VERY early. Relapsing in the first year is not uncommon. I have also seen people get their 1 year medallion and say that it took them 10 or 15 years of trying in NA/AA to do it. I always say that the biggest reason for people relapsing after rehab/treatment is that they fail to integrate a life of recovery with meetings/sponsor/fellowship once out on their own again.
I have seen only a handfull of late teen/early 20s types get sober and stay sober. You see loads of folks that age in rehab, but not as many in meetings because they have a very hard time living the AA/NA lifestyle once out of treatment. So many people their age "party" and "club" and such and they think it's normal. They get out of rehab and they don't know how to have fun or live life without doing those things. They don't go to enough meetings and participate in enough fellowship to see that the sober life IS MORE NORMAL so they wind up just feeling like they are "giving up stuff" that just about all of their cohorts are able to do. They also may start feeling that they are wasting time hanging around a bunch of older people when in actuality, it's just that the older people in the rooms have been through this phase and have wisdom that they don't. They cook up reasons to relapse whether conscious or unconscious, because of these percieved things and because they are just not used to dealing with life on life's terms. People spend YEARS in jail "living a different life" and they typically get out and reoffend. While I like to believe that rehabs teach more than jail, it's an institution. HENCE, when a person is not as WILLING to do the right thing, institutions force the willingness on them and erradicate their willfulness. THEN, in a matter of days or months in the community, they just snach their will right back.
It's easier to live a recovery lifestyle when it is spoon fed to you. It is not so easy when you have to seek it out daily and pray for the willingness to keep doing it. The tendency would be to slip back to not doing it and then we are vulnerable to pick up. With only 5 months sober and it was almost all in rehab - he had little defenses. Yes, he had tools he was taught, but he was absolutely a complete novice at practicing them in daily life. So, that is the best answers to "why?" that I can give. Any deeper than that and it's like asking a question with no answer.... Why your son? I don't know. Only God does.
Both of Pinks posts got me thinking about prayer .. is only been recently .. I do pray for my stbax and how I pray is unconventional .. lol .. the God of my understanding knows exactly who I mean .. lol. I stopped praying for God to change him and started praying for God to change me, heal me. While the circumstances of my situation may or may not change the perception of my situations has changed a great deal. Now I do pray that God chases him, blesses him, ok blesses him with a swift kick in the butt from time to time. The point is whatever plans God has for him .. I have to let go of how he arrives there. I really don't want to hear or see him suffer. If that is how he chooses to find sobriety that's his to work out. When I meddle even on a spiritual level I'm not helping him or my own healing I'm fact I'mprobably
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yeah...It's like if you pray to God for them to get sober, and then they don't, it's a set up for pain and to weaken your faith. I guess prayer for stength, peace, acceptance and prayers for me are what I have found helpful. And when I do pray for others, it's mostly that they find their way through the hard times and get to the other side, whatever that "other side" is. Praying for specific outcomes is kind of like playing God. I don't know what God has planned for me or anyone else.
