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He's powerless over the disease. He isn't helpless. He can enter a formal program of recovery if he chooses. As far as what to do about the calls, that's something you've already learned continues whether you respond or not, whether he gets arrested or not. 1 call probably violates the order. What if you call your local public safety department to ask for information about it? Frankly, it concerns me that he is ignoring his experience in calling you in the past and it concerns me that he has shown up at your home. Perhaps a call to your local Domestic Violence center might also help you make decisions you can live with in this matter. Standing up for yourself, protecting yourself, looking out for yourself is a must! You did this in filing a complaint and refusing to answer his calls. You didn't do anything against him. You did something for yourself. As a postscript: A protection order has no teeth if the behavior continues and there isn't any enforcement of it. No one has the right to totally ignore the rights and needs of another person or the law that is in place to protect people unhampered and with no consequences - no matter how sick they are. Stand firm on what you want and what you need. You are the most important person in your life.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 21st of November 2013 09:06:55 AM
I have a family court order of protection against my husband. I filed citing his harassment after months of calls to my cell phone voice mail and to my work place I never felt physically threatened. But his constant calls to, my job-- up to 12 times a day--- began to affect my co-workers and how I was viewed by them. Plus he would call my cell phone 35 times a day...Finally, showing up at my home, twice. (we've been separated for 3 years). That's when I got a lawyer and the Order of Protection.
When he violated it again...I filed a police report and he was arrested.
I felt like it was the worst thing I've ever done in my life to someone. He's helpless against this disease. After a day or so they transferred him to a hospital and then he was released with a criminal court date.
Yesterday, he began drunk calling again. Two hang ups and two messages...all pathetic attempts to get me to call him back...
So, what do I do? File another report, based on 4 phone calls- then have him arrested again?...or wait until it continues and I feel its time to draw a line? Meanwhile, i have a court date to extend my order of protection and my lawyer says just add the calls as further proof that I need it.Does anyone know if 4 calls violates an order of protection?
I agree with G2B...you may feel horrible, yet you have to take action anyway. He has forced you to take action to protect you and your livelihood. We are here whenever you need to vent, seek hope or just other perspectives!
I kind of think that you have drawn the line, for good reason, and now you have to maintain it. Things are not going to get better if he has already violated the court order and he is not going to stop until he is forced to stop. And, in not calling the police, you are kind of saying that it is 'kind' of alright.
I understand the part about feeling badly for having to be in this situation, but agree that you can feel badly and take action to protect yourself.
For many reasons, I would not wait to file another report- and do so as many times as you need to unless the police or court provides different instructions. Filing demonstrates an effort to protect yourself- the court often rules in favor of being consistent with behaviors (his and yours).
Hugs and can I relate! I've had to take similar steps and I've also put mine in jail. Do not ignore .. if mine starts again he'll go back to jail. It is what it is .. so I mean what I say say what I mean. I've drawn a clear line and if he chooses to violate it .. that is the law putting him in jail. It was the hardest decision I've ever made and it was the best as well. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I agree with G2B...you may feel horrible, yet you have to take action anyway. He has forced you to take action to protect you and your livelihood. We are here whenever you need to vent, seek hope or just other perspectives!
I agree with G2B and Paula
Helpless??? nobody is really helpless....he CAN get into AA and keep this desease over which he is powerless in remission...
there is a BIG difference between being helpless and powerless.....A child in an abusive home is helpless and that is why there are now child protection agencies to mitigate that....an adult has choices...yea, he may be powerless over alcohol, but he can STILL make choices that can better , move forward his life......he CHOOSES to drink, to act out, to harrass you
alanon is about the non drinking spouse....alanon is a self preservation program...its a save your own tush program..........
you were your own best friend doing what you did re: reaching out to legally protect yourself.....you chose YOUR survival and that is what a healthier person DOES.....they FINALLY stand up and take care of themselves...
Don't feel guilty or bad for taking care of you and saving you....its your God given right...your RIGHT as a law abiding human being.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
He is not really helpless, as others have said. Nothing is stopping him from walking in through the doors of AA except his own determination to stay insane. He will not make that choice -- as no one makes that choice -- until the consequences of his actions are such that they make him want to change. He is continuing to make insane choices, like harassing you despite a court order. What his mind is really asking is, "Can I get away with that? Can I get away with choosing self-will over responsibility?" If he violates the order and nothing happens, he thinks, "Yes! I can get away with it. No need to change. This is working just fine!" So the actions you take will send a big message to his mind as to how the world works and whether alcoholic behavior has consequences.
That's the effect it will have on him. But the most important thing is that you need to protect yourself. Many people who always seemed harmless have gone over the line as their alcoholism progressed. I'm afraid that you can't assume that just because he's never been violent, that means he never would be. Calling you so often is one sign that things have escalated. Calling at work is another. Calling despite the court order is another. He is ramping up the harassment trying to control you and the situation. I hope you will get the advice of a domestic violence shelter. Please don't fail to take care of yourself! You are important.
What Mattie said and I wanted to add .. no one knows what someone in an altered state of mind will or won't do. That is the bottom line .. should you live in constant fear .. no .. however should you be smart .. hell to the yes on that one!! That is exactly the stance I take.
I remember hearing over and over I was over reacting and stbax would NEVER do blah blah .. and my response was .. well did you ever think he would not pay child support, starve his children and me out, do everything and anything unethical? The answer was a stuttered "No" Me, "Are YOU willing to guarantee me that he won't do anything violent? Will you base my safety and that of my children on that answer?" Again with the stuttered answer .. "No. I can't tell you if he will or won't." Umm .. exactly MY point .. LOL!
No one knows and it's better to be safe than sorry at this point.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
