Moment of weakness - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Moment of weakness

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Mari))

Remember you are powerless over his choices.

Not being able to stay in the home does not mean you forced him to stay in his car

Please keep the focus on yourself and know he is a grown up and has choices as well. It is up to him to choose healthy ones

Prayers for you and your family

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 20th of November 2013 10:04:38 AM

Mari1978 · Senior Member

I am trying not to get myself concerned with what others may think. I blew it. A has not been home and apparently staying in his vehicle because I told him he couldn't stay in the home if he was still communicating with the girl he got involved with. I really am not sure of anything but can feel that nagging feeling. I would never leave a soul out in the cold frigid weather. It is not my nature. Trying to be sensible and keep reminding myself he chose to continue to communicate with that girl and this was the consequence why do I feel so tormented? I am in the understanding he has not drank for the last few weeks. He has told me he stays in his vehicle, goes to meetings and goes to work. He also said he was glad I asked him to leave because he didn't want to stay there anymore anyway. All his triggers to drink are there. My heart aches and I will push through the day and try to regain my self worth. One day at a time. It would be easier to fall back into my old habits. I don't want to be that person anymore. I am not a victim. I am a good person who is kind and caring and wants to keep her wits about her. I may be a little overwhelmed with three kids, a dog, a fulltime job and a house to keep. I need some quiet time to figure out why it is I feel so tormented. I am grateful for Alanon to have tools to be able to seek what is really going on and not panic and not get myself in a tizzy. Any ESH is always welcome though.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh those feelings are so difficult! I remember constantly second-guessing myself. In a similar and very tough situation, I recognized this was the time to leave my AH in the hand of HIS higher power. It no longer was my career to make his decisions. By praying and talking it out with my sponsor, I was eventually able to trust my own higher power that this was best for both him and for me.
I found it liberating. The old tendency eventually abated, but it was not soon or easy.
Keep reaching out for help. It was priceless for me.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to say I'm in a place that is neither here nor there kind of thing with MY stbax .. so please know I really really mean this with compassion and A LOT of it. I seriously doubt he's sleeping in his car. If he is that is so NOT your issue. Of he wants to drink he's going to find an excuse to, it will be because the sun is shining or its going to be because it's cold. All I can do is respect the fact and accept I'm powerless over him. I'm incredibly jaded when I hear someone say they are still talking to a former affair however yay needs to be phrased .. they haven't cut the ties. Honestly, it hurt to think that I mattered so little the reality was that is how little my stbax respected or respects me. This is a man who can't expect himself again referring to my own situation. The best thing I did for my sanity was start putting the focus on me. What is in my own best interests .. I have kids to consider .. so really it was a forced issue. The less I worry about what he is out isn't doing or whom he is or isn't with .. trust me things get better. I have discovered I was using compassion or what I thought was compassion to cover up my own excuses as to why I couldn't or wouldn't let go. It took meetings, sponsor, working the steps, coming here, and self induced painful lessons because I'm so dang stubborn .. lol. My stbax has his own walk with his hp and I don't know best for him. I don't even know best for me. Serinity prayer and slogans help me get my thinking straight. As a quick after thought .. do I really believe that my stbax has ever thought about myself or the kids 1/4 as much as I did during our relationship? My answer to that question is no. He already had mapped out the next enabler because I stopped .. it was life altering and life saving for me. Keep coming back you are worth it!! â¥

mtnmama1 · Newbie

I can relate to this. I never want to see anyone suffer. Maybe that is why I have 3 cats from the rescue shelter! The fixer, that's me. My A has spent so many nights at the Motel 6 this month that I suggested he get a punch card and maybe he would get the next night free. Okay, so I said it lovingly (maybe), not sarcastically (probably). I have set some boundaries with my A from the start, and allowed him to over ride me, figuring he was "learning" why he should not violate my boundaries, when all he really did was go to the motel to get away. Well, I got what I asked for, and while I slept a whole lot better during those "time outs" I am not sure they accomplished anything. Same behavior over and over = same result. The A will never see it the same way we do. We see them justifying and rationalizing their behavior at every turn, but am I doing the same? Taking care of ourselves takes on many approaches, and theirs is not the same as ours when we are in those defenses. I moved from tormented to aggravated, but the underlying problem is the same for me. It is anger. It is my anger, so I get to deal with it.

I would not be able to tolerate my A's involvement with another particular person. While mine is not physically involved with others, he keeps his distance with his involvement with others on Facebook. His "friends" - many of which he doesn't know - are all out to be his audience. He can feel so special when everyone there feels so sorry for him. It amazes me, and I have even gone down the road of "what does he get there that he doesn't get at home?" The reality for me is that I can never fill up the emotional hole that exists in another person. It is not my job, and I know it. Doesn't mean I don't try. So just for today, I am going to go do something for myself. And I am going to let my A make his own choices, and live with his own consequences. If that means the motel 6, so be it. Maybe some day we will go there for romantic reasons!

Mari1978 · Senior Member

This is why I love the MIP boards. Its here I am safe to acknowledge the feelings. Sort through them and learn to let go.

G2B- I really don't know if he is actually sleeping in his vehicle.
Jill- You are right it is between him and his HP
Betty-Thank you, I indeed am powerless and learning how to recognize the thoughts that come to mind that try to stand in the way of progress in the program.
SerenityRUS-I relate to the what you say about mapping out the next enabler because I stopped. He either will or he wont. Its not my problem.
Yes I live in the house where the mortgage is in his name. I may need to change a few things legally in that regards. I need to make changes that I can and empower myself. I put out some holiday decorations. I have planned a trip with the girls and their Aunt and Uncle to go get a tree closer to Christmas. We are starting a new tradition this year. I spent time last year wondering where my spirit had gone. This year I am not waiting for it to find me, I am going to find it and have a wonderful Christmas with my family and friends.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you are seeing what is helpful to you and doing what you can do to make your life happier for you. My experience with my A has been hearing the worst of the worst from him, feeling awfully cruel when I have said "no" to giving in to his disease, and learning new facts later that revealed the worst of the worst that he shared with me was highly shaded. That doesn't mean he didn't tell me a bit of the truth, but if things were as bad as related to me, and he knew that it was alcohol related because everybody around him except other drinkers are saying the same thing, then why is he ignoring the only way possible to him to regain entry to what he says he wants and needs? My own experience with myself has been when I get sick and tired of a miserable existence and the payoff for hanging on to it doesn't seem worth it, I make changes. I can't believe our As are any different. I'm glad you're getting ready for a wonderful Christmas with family and friends.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

It truly is a very baffling disease. I remember reading about how the tools and steps and traditions can be utilized in all life's aspects. It is very true. I find a calmness is created in a lot of my surroundings. I don't get overly anxious about a lot of things I used to at work at home and all around in general. I can set boundaries for my self. The positive behaviours I have recognized and look to build on those.
What may have set me off a little was my neighbor standing at my door at 7am. My dog had wondered off. Hence the overwhelmed feeling. He likes to make his rounds. The neighbor was only concerned and wanted to let me know. She was kind of curious of other things too. We used to gather often and do family things together. We stopped. I think they were hurt and confused as to why. I explained a little this morning and we shared a hug and a few tears. I am not the only one baffled by the disease. I just didn't know how to explain. I see the amends part in this one. Light bulb moment. I was once blind but now I see..... at least a little clearer...

Mari1978 · Senior Member

lol...I am really having one of those OHHH...AHHH moments.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Mari

The Steps are so very powerful. HP lead me to many amends before I had officially worked Step 9.

I just trusted the processs and moved forward

So happy for your recovery

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Mari, You made a choice to honor you and he made choices not to honor you. If he sleeps in his car, at least he has a place to sleep! I am glad you received the support you needed...this is a great place to come and it is open 24/7 smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am trying to figure out where ya blew it? You sound good to me! I was just thinking how I read so much, they are not drinking right now. when you are in al anon for a long time, least me, I came to realize that is not even what matters! When an addict sees me first thing they might say is I am sober, Im not drinking. me, so?

Not my problem, not my business. Marie we never know if they are using or not. sleeping in his car. well he must be an adult, right? Plus if he is going to aa, they would know this and many will offer them to stay at their place etc. especially to someone who is in a program of recovery. Maybe he likes to sleep in his car.

If he told me that, I might say, "OH really? I don't know if I could sleep well like that." Or well my friend rhea goes to the beach with her daughter, locks up their car at this all night party place and sleeps. sorta takes away his fun looking for pity.

Plus omgosh, you don't like him cheating do you? geez so of course you showed him the door. good for you! Hey cheating sharing himself with another, not just physically. He is cheating his marriage. His triggers are at your place? that one killed me, of course they were at your place, cuz HE was there......now thank goodness he has taken them with him.

as you can tell I don't have much sympathy for the a, not true, it is not him, it is the disease that is doing,saying all this bolony. that is detachment. the disease is controlling him, and right now, he is allowing it. I remember saying to my AH, the disease has you by the well uno's.still does.

Hey one thing at a time. Allow him to fight the disease on his own, till he finds out he can't,and with head low, puts his hand out to AA.

you are doing great! love,debilyn

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

i feel yourcanguish, pain and tirment. im awake at 230ib the moring , thurd tim sincecsaturday. . hes not home yet. i fear theres anither woman, i know there is beer. i hate feeling deceived and im angry as hell. i make choices every day to stay in this marriage and everyday it gets a little harder to care, to stay. i do it because of my daughter. . i kniw many of you will suggest that my daughter deserves better to which i say maybe, but rigt now staying us better than fighting him through divorce. i do so well. . but then bam. . two sleepless mights in a row and as the old vince gill song says , i want to "meet him at the front door with a frying man in my hand". . and yet. . he will blame me because of course that paves thecway for his next all nighter. btw. . my ah claims he too sleeps in his veh in various places cuz hes too drunk to drive. . therecarent motel sixes nearby so i figure its true or theres someone else. . oh gee, almost three in the morning guess who just got home. .

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