Guilty feelings are here again. - Al-Anon Family Group

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Guilty feelings are here again.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think, that if you are going to live with an active addict, clear boundaries are pretty essential before you can just calmly go about finding your own serenity. There are some really serious inequities going on in your relationship/ home and it is absolutely understandable that you would blow your stack at him. I think that's healthier than trying to stuff the resentment back inside and smile and pretend that it's OK. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about, based on what you have said. You're working and paying for everything while he does nothing but entertain himself...I remember living like that and believe me I blew my stack on a daily basis. It isn't sustainable and it sounds like it is affecting your health and worsening your current conditions. You lost it today because it's too much...to be responsible for everything and to be trying to tell yourself that you have to stay calm and serene...I really think if you are going to keep living with him then boundaries need to come first.

I know that once I decided I had given his addictions enough and drew my line in the sand, and started to learn that I could trust myself to defend it, the resentment eased and I stopped losing the plot. And I stopped feeling guilty for losing the plot, which only adds to the whole burden and makes it even heavier. Something's gotta give, hon.

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Wednesday 20th of November 2013 06:18:21 AM

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Wednesday 20th of November 2013 07:24:49 AM

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Wednesday 20th of November 2013 08:12:24 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

RJ, big hugs .. easy does it. It's sounding to me like you need some HALT going on as well as being so hard on yourself. When I get down on myself I try to think of a friend would call me sharing the thoughts in my head. What would I say to them? Would I be hard in them or would I tell them that they are worth nore than a day of one perceived bad choice. Would have, could have, should have won't fix again perceived wrong doing. Be gentle with you .. you are worth it. Feelings aren't facts. Hugs S :)

flinn66 · Senior Member

Huge Hugs to you as well

What are you beating yourself up for? So you reacted, sure we all know its better when we don't but heck you are human, you are not well.

Hug yourself, apologise to yourself - you have nothing to feel guilty for, look after yourself - you deserve it!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Hugs)))))))) Raven. And more (((((((((hugs))))))))).

I absolutely know what it feels like to be in the kitchen in the morning with AH banging on AT FULL VOLUMN. It is ghastly. It sends adrenaline running through my body. And that literally sets me up for poor health (physical as well as mental). One day I just stroked his arm while he was shouting - and it was like touch sensing volume control, his voice softened. Another time I just said 'I can't hear you when you shout'. Of course that led to denial and sulks, but he got over it sooner than I did. And once I just said 'I'm two feet away, there is no need to shout'. Basically I don't think AH knew how loud he was and how would he ever find out if I didn't say anything?

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. We all deserve peace in our own homes.

I agree with Melly - when I stopped trying to solve everything on my own, when I stopped trying to do things for AH that he should be doing for himself I started to find it so much easier to avoid reacting.

You deserve love and care dear Raven.

PS Well done on sticking to your guns and getting to work by the way - did your other half fix the tyre on his way home?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Living with an alcoholic, game addict would wear my nerves too. I listen to your recounting of the day and am hearing like 10 spots where I would have told him off and probably not felt that guilty. Not to endorse screaming at anyone.....even an addict but be easy on yourself.

The saying is "Don't go to the hardware store and expect to be able to buy bread." Well, your morning basically started out with you wanting bread (figuratively - because you would like support and understanding for your medical issues and how they affect you) and he spouted hardware at you (about his dumb game and other stuff) and this happened about 4 of 5 other times in the day. Simply put, he doesn't and can't meet some of your most basic needs in a relationship and that hurts and is frustrating. Legitimately so. When you own that and accept it, you can do a bit better at detaching with love and getting your needs met elsewhere - with or without him.

Raven - I am so sorry you have these medical issues going on. It is admirable how you pulled yourself together and made it to work. (that is was a sane/sober person would say to you to support you - but you live with an insane alcoholic)...Hence, it is depressing to 1. have your own issues, 2. have to listen to him constantly talk about his issues which aren't even reality based much of the time, and 3. Not get support and understanding or to have interactions with the person in your life that you want those interactions from the most.

That would be why the "world hurts so much" right now. It would hurt me too. It makes sense. With alanon you will gain tools to see your way through this and better have your needs met.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

^what pink said too^

flinn66 · Senior Member

It might not help but what is said above is spot on and I think helps me to see why I have been feeling a bit low too.

Normally I cope well with my ex A, remain detached from the insanity and live my life looking out for my own needs. I am currently undergoing investigations for what may turn out to be Cancer - frightening of course but trying to use the tools of the program to "take it easy" "one day at a time" and yes lucky enough to have Al-Anon friends to be there for me.

I told my ex last week, not even really sure why really but probably before I had really thought it through as I was still a bit shocked after seeing the Doctor.

No reaction initially but then a phone call listing all his ailments and problems and how unfair it all was and how terrible his life was and nobody cares. OK no shock really, insanity yes but still hard to hear from a person who was once close to you. At the time I was determined not to let it hurt me, but I am human and yes I think it has gone quite deep. I do actually care that he is ill, I pray that he finds recovery but know that is all I can do.

It links a bit with the compassion thread - however much compassion I feel for others - I must feel it for myself also.

Expecting Bread from the Hardware store - yes - foolish of me and grateful for that reminder

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

We are not needless and wantless. We hold onto beliefs that our wants and needs will be respected and honored by our significant others if we do x,y, or z. The x, y's and z's come with a price when those significant others are users (not just active alcoholics/addicts, either). The price we pay is diminished self worth, joy, peace and the list goes on. So, we learn through recovery and living the 12 steps how to effectively and healthily get those basic needs met from ourselves and others. You did nothing wrong and how you behaved is ok ok ok (((hugs)))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Raven: From where I'm sitting, I see a woman trying to make the best of a very trying situation, improve her health without any medical support, deal with an active A whose only life seems to be gaming although he is an adult, and get to work with no transportation other than outside drivers.
I also see a person who'd love to go to bed to sleep at a reasonable hour and awaken refreshed and right now that just isn't happening. Many, many prayers for you and lots of compassion and understanding, too. I agree with you and PC, screaming at the A isn't going to be helpful to you or to him or to the situation, but there are times in our lives when things are just too much to bear. I don't know anybody who could go through what you are experiencing day after day with a placid smile on their face. If anybody could do that, I'd wonder if they were on drugs. Is there a friend or family member's home where you could take yourself away from some of this to rest and to be renewed? (((R)))

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Your posting moved me, I can remember living like that once. I felt like I was to blame for everything and everyone around me, especially my boyfriends. I felt responsible for everyone else for 36 years until I found program a second time and began working to change my ways.

Even though you saw the day as a fail bc you missed your ride, it wasn't because you got there, luckily on both counts (the car and the complaining driver) and then again, he (your bf) wasn't even bothered anymore but you still were. I am sorry your day was for lack of a better word "ruined." This is only a perception though, as you got there. Everything about our lives hinges on our perception of how we think about ourself and how we view the world.

I spent most of my life watching other people's choices and then the subsequent consequences that came from them. I was upset at their behavior or lack of their behavior towards me and I was always miserable.

When we focus on other people, we are helpless and powerless. When we focus on what we can do and do what will allow us to feel better in that present moment or what we can do to change or better our current situation and then do that thing, we do begin to start to feel better because we are taking healthier actions for us. You are the only person you can control and/or change. This is YOUr life, you know? You do not owe anything to any other adult but you do owe YOU your own dignity and respect.

Define your most basic needs and then boundary them with appropriate consequences that you will take no matter what for you. All adults get their own needs met in one way or another. Many of us learn to dismiss or ignore our needs and to fulfill the same needs for others. This only creates resentments, this is why I say boundary them.

If you don't like the results you are getting, change your actions. I have found nothing change my feelings faster or more than by simply changing my actions. Then I began to take actions based on how I was going to be left feeling in the end and in how much self-respect it was allowing me to have or not have. Today, I no longer dismiss myself or ignore my needs. Today I no longer act like that doormat that I once was. They kill the self sacrificing martyr you know? If you show others they can take advantage of you, they will and do. You are worth infinitely more than that. Below are the 6 Boundary Guidelines that helped me to change my life. I hope you stick alanon out, it is all about YOU and taking your life back and I am here to tell you, you are worth it. You are worth the work it takes to discover! Recovery is self-discovery. Welcome Home.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents: I made my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me bc I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. If you dont stand up for YOU, who will? If not now, when? You can change right now. Life is consecutive moments of right now. Make it something you can feel good about owning. We owe us our own respect and only we can deliver it.

P.S. The guilt you are feeling is your disease talking to you, it is trying to get you to do what you always did in the past, which is feel overly responsible and to enable someone else while ignoring yourself.

Guilt comes in after we do something we deem as "bad or wrong." There is nothing "wrong" in taking care of yourself, it is in fact: self-preservation and it is what all healthy people do. I was told I was feeling "false guilt" and it was coming from my disease (codependency and enabling). As long as you take care of yourself, you are doing the healthier thing. Take care of YOU whatever that looks like!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Uh raven, i was thinking, he could have just as easily said,"raven, raven, wait a minute, everything will be ok." You don't have to be the one who stops it all, or is the bigger person. sometimes we do lose it from all the pressures. so what?

My experience is or was or who knows, was just that, he would stand firm, listen to me vent and be rediculous then be so sweet.

or like I shared, "debi, debi, I would stop and listen. wow I love him for that.

I don't relate to guilt so I am the opposite. I don't blame others, I don't blame me. If someone wants to blame me go ahead. I don't care. If I make a mistake I do. so what? I just fix it, or do what needs done.

YOu know it comes down to loving the you, that you are! YOU are worth loving, you deserve to be loved. I invite you to start looking at what you like about you, love about you. If you know people you can ask what they like/love about you, do it. we all need to hear it. How much do you hear it from your A? what if you asked him?

what do you love about you? I know for me most all the hurt I feel is from needing love from others, besides me. I do love the me HP gave me and I work on her all the time.

anyway so stop the guilty bs and start loving YOU. hugs!

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Thank you all for the ESH, I really want you all to know how much I love and appreciate everyone at MIP.
I really believe that HP led me here, because if I hadn't found it, or it found me, I don't know where I'd be by now.
After reading all your wonderful posts, I felt so much better, and even feel like I slept better that night.
I remembered that I am human and worth more than living with insanity.
XO

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.