? Maybe I'm missing something, but why would she need to be part of your decision making process when it came to you deciding that it was time to advance your progress with another sponsor?  Sounds like an unmet expectation of hers to me?  Unless you had both agreed in the beginning of your relationship to processing your need for another sponsor with her, I don't see a problem based on what you've shared here.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 19th of November 2013 08:15:53 AM

Thank you, Bud.  This is weighing heavily on me as I move about my day.  I really did not want to go into with her what was not working, so I focused on what had worked and expressed my gratitude to her...it was a tearful conversation for me and she knew I was not acting on a whim.  As hard as this is to go through, I am learning.  Ending relationships has been so hard for me...martyrs don't leave.  I would not have continued in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict if the martyr wasn't so seductive. 

Thank you Cathy...what did you do with the picture of you from previous days???

-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 19th of November 2013 11:03:02 AM

 My ESH... my sponsor moved away from me- it happened naturally. Of necessity I had a woman as a sponsor- but hubby did all of the work. We had an open sharing AA steps meeting started up... 

and we did the steps, and the traditions using both the AA and the Alanon 12x12.

In a small community with limited people and resources this is what worked.

I am open to being a sponsee, to one of the men around Alanon... I think we have to be open to the reality that a lot of members remain members, and do not become 12-steppers...

I don't have any esh however the topic interests me a great deal and I appreciate it. My sponsor and I have an understanding that either of us is open to end the sponsor/sponsee relationship. I lack social skills of ending relationships gracefully. Bette has opened my mind to a new understanding. For me my relationship with my sponsor is one I've never been able to achieve real time. Love, acceptance, being supportive without judgement and/or critism, that does not imply that she agrees blindly with any situation I do. She respects me to allow me the space to figure things out. From time to time i get a gentle nudge there is no emotional manipulation going on. There have been multiple situations that she didn't agree and came back later to say that was the hard choice with the best consequence. There have been a few of how did that work for you .. and my response being yup self will run riot .. lol. While I might out grow the sponsor relationship ( in say 50 or so years lol ) either by my own growth or distance .. I really can't imagine her not being my friend. Hugs, S :)

Paula,

I remember this- you made a very thoughtful decision with much gentleness, kindness, and grace. Your side of the street is clean and nothing further is required from you - "No" is a complete sentence and you don't owe anything further.

She apparently is feeling diminished in some way by your independent decision. I did not include my sponsor in the decision making process when it was time to move on; I felt ok that I came to this decision on my own and in my best interest. I felt that informing my sponsor in a kind way was the gentlest option. At this point, to discuss what wasn't working seemed unproductive to both of us and would engage me in some one else's issues where I do not belong.

Refer to Hotrod's comments regarding if you feel amends is in order; if you do not, then this is her issue and you do not need to accept and engage with a "hook". If it helps, you can reiterate that you're sorry that she feels badly and hope that she can come to accept and understand.

I thought is was kind of kooky putting up pics of me when younger. I don't know

Oh yes- seduction can be so strong! I've learned to ask myself, "what is the seduction?"; then, try and fulfill an unmet desire in a healthier way.

For me, there is a time and a place for constructive criticism and I'm thinking that I should leave one foot in my mouth to remind me to develop a much better filter of what would actually be helpful to share.

.... progress not perfection.

Maybe just for today you do not have to be seduced.

In support

 Her words were "it surprised me to not have been given a trusting part of inclusion or the option to be part of the decision-making-process with the clear result of ending the sponsor/sponsee connection.  Inclusion would have allowed the release with appreciation-rather than being presented with the fact only".

*****************************

(((((Paula)))))) my good and sweet and loving FRIEND.....I can bet my paycheck that you handled the end of this relationship in a humane and recovery season'd way....I dont' have to ask what you said bc I know u consider others feelings as you take care of you....

This sponsors words show hurt...(understandable)  ...surprise  (ok, maybe)  and a dash of "guilting" the one who innitiates the breakup

a sponsor-sponsee relationship is based on the relationship being MUTUALLY healthy, pleasurable, intimate, happy, satisfying, etc. and very rarely do they last forever....she and you were together for a season...a mutual need, i believe.....you needed her...she needed the learning she would receive, mentoring/guiding you....now it is over....

you do not EVER have to justify, argue, defend or explain WHY you want out of a relationship....I have said many times to people  "we are just not a fit and this is no longer working for me"    END of story......

she is hurt...maybe having abandonment issues.....rejection issues.....projecting her step 4 issues on you.....

I would not respond unless you really really want to but the longer you keep a dialogue open, the more communications you will receive........if it is over it is over...no need to keep door open unless YOU want it to stay open...

this is YOUR reovery......as a sponsor, myself, I lost a good sponsee who just does not want to work the program anymore,  just topically, but no more steps, meetings, slogans....she just does not want to work it anymore.....now we had a nice friendship together and she told me  'are you going to dump me as a friend bc i don't want to work program anymore????"

I told her "H*** no!!!!  its your recovery/or non recovery not mine....i like you to death, anyway, and of COURSE we can be friends"

we are friends....she asked me on a FB pm,  if she needed guidance/esh could she contact me.....I said of course.....

either party has the right to end sponsee/sponsor relationship....its up to the other, if breakup was respectable/humane and done in a healthy way (as I am willing to bet you did)  its up to the other to "woman up" and accept...........had it been me i might have asked   "do I owe an amend somewhere???"  WHILE i work a step 10 on this......if no??   let go and wish the parting sponsee the best.......

if it is over, i would just let it go.....you own NO explaination if you don't feel like it....its UP TO YOU......what makes you feel right, but remember,  we coda's think we have to explain and justify our veryexhistence.......i would do a quickly step 10 if i am tempted to respond to her and make sure my motives for reply are benign and non coda and just out of love you tell her why,  IF you already did not....i can't see you breaking up w/out a reason why.....

just my take, what i know about you.....i am very close to have worked your inventory,   hope i did not cross over......

If your motives were about you and nothing to do with her then you have acted properly. How she takes this is up to her and none of your business. To me a sponsor is a person with lots of program experience, this would make me feel she is taking a hurt which is her own to deal with. I cant imagine you not acting with kindness so it could be that her reaction is more to do with something else going on in her life. Either way, not yours to fix.x

I agree Good Decisiion Paula

oh gawh, I so related to how you feel and how your sponsor feels.  I have had to somewhat abruptly end sponsor/sponsee relationships before, and like you, even though I felt a sense of urgency, I prayed and mediated about it and spoke in confidence with a few trusted people before I opened the door (addressed it) to finally close it and move on.  And I have had sponsees do it with me.  Some asked to talk to me about a decision they were in the process of making about getting another sponsor, some just simply closed the door.  I don't believe the results would have turned out any differently but I have to admit that I did feel better, when I could release a sponsee with a warm hug, and assure them that I only wanted what was best for them and if they felt the need to be sponsored by someone else, I would not only support it, but was willing to help them find another one if they didn't already have one picked. 

I don't like to leave a sponsor/sponsee relationship with a wound attached to it, if it can be helped.  For myself or the other person.  So, I'm inclined to be inclusive when it comes to ending a relationship.  The decision is mine, but I don't want anyone to feel like the door was merely shut in their face.  I close it with grace and a expression of appreciation.  What the other person does with that is on them.  Some are very good and dear friends today and others, well, they are pouting still.  LOL

John

I agree with John, UNLESS the breakup was out of a betrayal that happend to me....that ONE horrible experience where this gal was tattling to her other sponsees, putting me down and ONE of them was my friend and we BOTH compared notes and we BOTH confronted the EX sponsor and we really let her know how we felt about her sharing our confidences w/her other sponsees.....we both told her that we wold not take any of her calls, answer any emails,  the communication lines were OFF......we wished her well, but made it very clear she was not welcome to call or email either of us..........we stayed to our boundary too...i mean that was a "no brainer"   a sponsor betrays you, that is a slam dunk......they are GONE and NO 2nd chances

however all the other relationships i had...as sponsor,  sponsee were great......even tho i may not sponsor some of them any more,  we are very good friends.......that ONE bad experience made me really gun shy about sponsors......she even stalked me for a while,  demanding i call her back....i never replied...it was over.....she had known all along that betrayal was a deal breaker.....she knew it....by my other relationships where i was betrayed or attacked or abused and I LEFT......so she knew better.....

all the other recovery relationships that i have been blessed with over the years have been just that........blessings and we are still friends.....when ending a relationship that was healthy and satisfying and a good one overall, yes, i thank them for their help, their es&h , their teachings, their being in my life.........i bless them all.......