The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Frequently of an afternoon, we walk down to the local park and daughter and I sit on the swings, swinging and talking about this n that, while the dog runs around sniffing things and then peeing on them, and every few minutes he runs over to stare sideways at us for a while, because he just doesn't understand the whole swinging thing.
So every time the dog comes over to investigate, we put the brakes on really fast so that we don't kick him or swing into him (he doesn't have a lot of sense when it comes to "getting out of the way" and we do this of course, by digging our feet into the dirt a few times until the momentum stops...I'm sure everyone has a basic understanding of the mechanics of swinging...lol..
So yesterday, he finally figured out what this bizarre thing we were doing was for! I could see a light switch on in his eyes and he gave an excited little yelp and started wagging his tail furiously, and he ran up to where I was standing mid- swing (waiting for him to move) and started furiously digging a hole! Eureka! He'd figured out what I was doing- I was trying to dig a hole with my feet! And being an excellent digger, he had excavated a huge crater within 60 seconds, and he stood back wagging his tail so excitedly and waiting for me to congratulate him and get onto doing some more important stuff, like running around sniffing and peeing on stuff with him.
So you can imagine his look of sheer disappointment when I filled the hole back in (you can't really go leaving craters in a kids playground) and went back to swinging. And my feelings of guilt, for crushing his excitement.
Well it struck me how incredibly similar this is to the way I used to treat AB (and other people that didn't seem to be doing things the "right" way.) I would sit back scratching my head and trying to figure out why they are doing the bizarre things that they were doing. And, every so often, I would have a fantastic revelation- oh! They need THIS to be happy, and then they can come and join me in the real world and do normal things! Like, the A is always so aggressive and angry...I know! He needs an outlet for it! I'll start looking up martial arts clubs or boxing clubs and collecting brochures and phone numbers and if I hassle him to do it, he'll go and he'll love it and everything will be better! Or, the A always complains that he hates his job so, I'll look up courses that he can do to gain more skills and...so on. You get the picture. And all of these great ideas were supposed to have the end result of a suddenly happy A, his problems solved, free to live happily ever after with me.
And then I would be disappointed when the brochures went into the bin and A was no happier, so I would go back to trying to figure out what he needed...
But I can no more understand his needs or choices than the dog can understand why we like to swing, and I have about as much chance of convincing him that he will enjoy a normal sober productive life as the dog has of convincing me that I will enjoy sniffing stuff and peeing on it.
Well, that was what it made me think of, anyhow. It's probably just proof that I still spend too much time thinking about him and his worries, really....lol.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 19th of November 2013 06:30:30 AM
I love this, thank you Melly - our dogs can teach us so much and yours sounds like a bundle of enthusiastic enthusiasm!
This morning my lovely hound came for a cuddle while I was sitting looking at our view and having a five minute rest. He does this by sitting on my foot. He weighs about 110 lbs - so it is one big fantastic cuddle!
Being awake to the quiet, gentle lessons that are ours to accept and apply to our lives is a gift we can receive or reject. How beautifully you chose to receive the gift and share it with us as gift, too.
Wonderful share. In my last session with my therapist we talked a lot about how I am a problem-solver. When I got home and talked to my husband about the session I told him about that, and how I realized I had been trying (for a very long time) to 'fix' him. He laughed and said he wasn't a puzzle - I can't solve him. It was a nice, insightful moment for both of us. There is no, 'If I do X then he'll do Y and it will all be better!'
Yes - I too found my selfish side while working the steps with my alanon sponsor. It was a bit astonishing to discover that what I thought was helping and caring was actually selfish and self centeredness!!!!!!!! WHAT ME?????????? I'm the VICTIM HERE!!! But alas - thanks to a great program of recovery - I discovered that yes in fact I just wanted people better so I could have things easier in life.... how I wanted them.
Then the fun part came. I got to find the fear under all of that. Of course my selfish behaviors were just fears masked in various controlling ways. I just really was so afraid of rejection and abandonment - and then - welp - people just couldn't love me. That I was not good enough.
Once I got my step work done - and found that HP - I was ready to replace my fears with faith, and slowly but surely all my symptoms just fell away. The program actually works! I don't have to be super controlling anymore since I've come to see the world isn't a museum of perfect people that are all on display for ME! :)
Great post and I God bless you, your loved ones and that codependent dog lol :)
