The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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how can i briefly explain? probably not possible to do so, so I'll try to sum up. I knew my bf was an alcoholic from the start, but he had been working towards cutting down and living a healthier life even when we were just friends. he was one of my very best friends, and i didn't expect we would fall in love but we did. it has been the greatest love i have ever known. be that as it may, he continued to struggle with alcohol. hiding it in different places in the house, losing jobs, lying about where he was, tickets, disappearing for a day or two, etc. when we officially moved in together most of those things stopped for a few months, but began remanifesting over time and then i knew i was really in trouble. the last job he lost, i dont know if he just stopped going to drink or if they actually fired him. i will probably never know.
a week or so after he lost that job, he really went on some benders. eventually, late one night, i recieved a call from him stating he was checking himself in at the e.r., that he had sat an drank half a fifth of vodka (well well far and above his usual daily consumption), that he couldnt do this anymore alone, and he was seeking professional help, would i come be with him?
i left, i drove there, im surprised they didnt call the cops on him but they didnt. they just gave him rehab cards/pamphlets and sent him home. as i drove him home, he began to confess his transgressions to me, many things i already knew and some surprised me. he vowed to turn over a new leaf of honesty, and wanted to get invovled in treatment. they informed him at the er to cut down to a two beers at lunch, then at dinner diet, and wean down from there. over the following month he did so, and the first day he didnt drink anything was amazing to witness. he began eating, sleeping regularly, even doing chores, and even a home cooked breakfast for me which has never happened. we started trying to find treatment, but the next place we found said he needed to go to rehab, which really upset him (he has no insurance).
then, a death in the family, and he relapsed. maybe relapse isnt the right word because techinically there werent very many days of sobriety. when he came home, i sat down and told him he needed to formulate a list of goals to stick to for new employment, treatment, and becoming a healtier person. he cried, said ok, and i told him i loved him but i couldnt continue to foot all the bills to support him and i needed a partner, to sum up the last pow-wow we had. he said he would.
when i came home the next day from work, he was in the middle of doing the chores, and long story short we were having a regular evening, with plans to go out to eat to discuss what goals he had set for himself....then i could tell he started to feel antsy for a drink, he started to feel sick to his stomach and i said we didnt have to go to dinner...next thing i know he's leaving me. he said he has to go rebuild his life, he has to do it on his own, he wont drag me through it, he doesnt want me to enable him, the most loving thing he can do for me is leave until he can be the type of person he needs to be.
i cant argue with that logic (although that night i did, because i love him so much and of course dont want our relationship to end), and we've had little contact other than a few short visits and phone calls, in which he informed me his mom had involved him in an outpatient alcohol treatment but he still hasnt moved his things out. i have contacted him 3 times simply about getting his stuff out but he keeps putting it off it feels like. im left reeling in all of this. i literally dont even know what to do or think.
basically i really need help from people who have dealt with this before, as i know things will continue to unfold. im so lost right now. thanks for reading
Hang in there. I'm sure you are hurting right now. You are blessed that he wants to get treatment and that he is trying. I'm sure that you love him. It sounds like he loves you too. Although this may feel like the hardest thing you will ever go through (this breakup), I can probably safely say that if he remains an active alcoholic - this could turn out to be a lifetime of hard things you have to go through.
I was surprised that no one had commented. I imagine that most of us wish we had been in your position. I wonder how many of us wish they could turn back time to be in your shoes. I lived with my active AH for 10 years before he went to rehab. He went to rehab after he went to the ER comatose 3 times. I found him unconscious and purple the first time. I called the ambulance the other 2 times as well, and watched him unconscious with a tube down his throat both times. The EMTs called him both timeswe later found out that they do that when they don't think the patient will live. I had to leave for my own safety (read my story) He finally checked into rehab after falling off the top of a car going 40mph on a bridge.
This is a disease, it affects the chemicals in your brain. He may need to get treatment, but then he will need to continue to work a program. Mine went to rehab, but never followed it with AA, and He is drinking beer (coors) again. (he used to drink about a pint of crown and a case of heineken a day).
This is a life saving and a life changing program. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Alanon meetings are everywhere, look one up in your area if you can and go to a meeting. You will learn coping skills and healthy living for any lifestyle.
First, it is wonderful that you searched and found this forum. We know your story and we know his story. Unfortunately, if he does not choose recovery, this disease will take his life and he will die. If the two of you get back together and you don't choose recovery, you will die, too, but your death will look different. However, this disease can ultimately cause your physical health to decline, as well, from the trauma of living with an alcoholic. A broken heart will be the norm. Doesn't make the future look bright, does it? Whether or not the two of you get back together, you have already been affected by the disease. You will find peace, hope and serenity in the rooms of al anon and will learn the steps to take to get to know the awesome person that is you. Read through the many posts on this site, check out the online meetings and keep coming back...you will meet some awesome people
Hon I would think long and hard before I continued this relationship. What he says is not reflected in what he does and I would say he is deep into addiction. As Susie says, had many of us here known the difficulties and heartbreak we were going to have married to an alcoholic, we would have walked away. Sometimes, no often, love is not the answer. I know that you think you should stand by him when he is down but that can get old very fast. He is right- the most loving thing he could do for you is walk away and the most loving thing you can do for you is find someone without this addiction to love.
Glad that you came here--you will receive a lot of support from all of us who have lived some or all or parts of your story. You are not alone and it's a good thing if bf recognizes he needs to go and work on his recovery.
First, it is wonderful that you searched and found this forum. We know your story and we know his story. Unfortunately, if he does not choose recovery, this disease will take his life and he will die. If the two of you get back together and you don't choose recovery, you will die, too, but your death will look different. However, this disease can ultimately cause your physical health to decline, as well, from the trauma of living with an alcoholic. A broken heart will be the norm. Doesn't make the future look bright, does it? Whether or not the two of you get back together, you have already been affected by the disease. You will find peace, hope and serenity in the rooms of al anon and will learn the steps to take to get to know the awesome person that is you. Read through the many posts on this site, check out the online meetings and keep coming back...you will meet some awesome people
this is about as "spot on" as a post can be.....Paula is right...U will experience a kind of "death" in your emotions, spirit, outlook on life, view of the world around you....lliving with this is a lose lose situation UNLESS he is in AA, sober for about 5 years, working a strong program, THEN, MAYBE you have a chance.....
and Deacon says "I know that you think you should stand by him when he is down but that can get old very fast. He is right- the most loving thing he could do for you is walk away and the most loving thing you can do for you is find someone without this addiction to love."
I can't agree more with thise folks answering you......standing by someone who is busting their hump to help themselves is one thing AND even that is a trial......standing by a guy who is addicted and is not in AA and may never get in or stay in, NOT a bookmakers dream....NOT a good bet......
Your not married to him, no kids in this unhealthy situation, I would think LONG and HARD about proceeding in this.......as you work your program and discover the beautiful you inside, you will find out that life offers much better than this AND you deserve to be happy and have a guy who is not an addict........take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
This site is great. It has been a life saver over the past 9 months. Keep coming back, go to the online meetings and find some face2face meetings in your city. Good luck.
Congrats to him fot owning up. I think that is encouraging. I live by the quote, "When in doubt, don't." You don't need to make a decision right now. He has made the separation. Be thankful for that and observe from a distance. Get involved here and in Al Anon meetings and get the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. His actions will speak louder than words and with the knowledge you have gained you will be more sure of what's right for you.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
"It has been the greatest love I have ever known"...Been there and said that and said it that way and later on in my own recovery for the enabling I was doing I found out and understood that it wasn't love at all it was my addiction. The disease was kicking my butt...mind, body, spirit and emotions and I was calling it love. I was loving her? while I was being treated like you were? I came to understand that it was my addiction to her as she was addicted to her alcohol and using people, places and things. Early on when I told my story to another Al-Anon member (get there as fast as you can) that member told me "normal" people don't live like that, crazy people do. I learned I had hope and I had expectations without reasonable justifications. We had always lived and participated in the disease. I had been born and raised in it and had not realized that abnormal and insane was normal for me. Are you getting use to the insanity? Is it becoming so usual for you that you don't even mind or think about yourself at all and only about him? Please go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call it to find out where and when we get together in your area. If you get a live voice to talk to great...if you get a recording only follow the instructions...your very life could depend on it. That is what I was told and the member I spoke with was right; it did, I was suicidal. When you get to the meeting tell them that you have support from all over the planet who loves you and wants you there...They will understand. Keep coming back here too. (((((hugs)))))
I have a friend who is happily married to a husband that she says is "her comfort" in life. Many of us have never had that experience of love and so we think that turmoil, uncertainty, and make up sessions that occur from time to time must be it. I truly wouldn't repeat the life that I've had after marrying an A. I didn't know he was an A at the time and I also didn't know what would happen in the marriage. He died early in life. But not before two marriages ended, his kids were short-changed, and the women who married him were left with nothing but raising kids alone in a nation that doesn't revere single women raising children. I wish I could tell you that it could be different for you if you stay with him, but I know too many people who with me agree, they'd never do it again. It is still possible for you to live comfortably with a man who might not be as exciting or as interesting as you are used to, but he will be solid, supportive and looking for ways to make your days happier. The Al-Anon program can help you develop new radar that opens you to a man who could be "your comfort in life," if that sounds like something intriguing to you.
B, you have choices. About his belongings, let him know if he doesn't pick them up, tell him you will take them to the Salvation Army. Or just drop them off at his moms when he might not be there. Get literature for Alanon start reading, and get yourself to a meeting more than one. You deserve a life unaffected by alcohol. Just tell him hasta la vista baby I got a life to enjoy.... ! If its real love he'll come back to you when he is working a program and sober. He may talk and say things to get you back, but remember ACTION speaks louder than words.... come back to this board there is lots of support. In support... Og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Welcome Brea :) .....You are in the right place. You've got some great replies here. Like oldergal says, if it's real he'll come back when he's ready. I think it could be a good thing that he didn't want to involve you in his recovery for now. Whether or not he stays committed to his recovery, you stay committed to yours. Work your program here, at meetings,find a sponsor, and learn all you can with some good used books off Amazon (or maybe at the thrift stores), and let your HP work out everything else. Read everything you can, and take care of yourself. Best wishes to you, and keep coming back...you'll be fine.
That your bf is looking for recovery from this killer disease can only be positive......and it is a killer disease if not arrested.
Seems like he is detaching from you with love, he is doing what he needs to do to recover keeping the focus on himself.......give him the dignity and time to do this.......it's his journey and his alone.
You will find the strength in Alanon, if you are willing to give it a go........listen to the shares of others, it works if you work it
A relationship with an active A is a relationship with an 'altered' person, he doesn't know how to relate and live and love in a sober way......it's a crumbling tower
Sounds really gut wrenching but like a standard story of what happens in relationships with alcoholics. Sadly, his odds are better doing this on his own but hopefully not living with his mom... Anyhow, I'm surprised there was no mention of AA. Hello? Sometimes I wonder if treatment is overshadowing the real thing that gets people sober...A steady and ongoing program of sobriety in AA. If he can build up a month or two of sobriety, you might be able to carry forth a casual relationship but he would need many more months to get better and learn how to deal with life sober before being real relationship material.
i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who read and responded. i've read and re-read many of these posts and im sure that i will continue to do so. i bet you'll see me on this forum a lot for a while.
getting some of it out yesterday really helped.
right now my greatest struggle is this: i keep letting my own feelings of being abandoned/ditched get in the way of the bigger picture right now. anger and resentment and lonliness are clouding my judgement. when he first left i had an overwhelming sense of peace, because he finally was taking steps in his own life, on his own, choices he made, to get healthy. it wasnt how i imagined it would be, since he left home, but it was ultimately what needed to happen. i so badly want to ask him to come home, but for what purpose? to perpetuate this cycle? to actually be in the way or be a distraction of what he needs to work on? no i cannot do that and i will not. i dont want to see him in a casket one day, and i will not delude myself that it is a very real possibility. it is the selfish thing and not the truly loving thing. i am trying to be understanding and open my eyes and heart to what he is saying he needs, which isn't me struggling because of him in his face every day to make him feel worse. he is so distant and it does hurt, but i think he has is and always has tried to protect me. i am concerned of how i will handle it if he asks me soon to come home, which he hasnt given any indication of that, but he also hasnt moved any stuff other than the clothes i dropped off to him.
for the people who have asked, as far as i know he has yet to attend an AA meeting. He had an assessment at an addiction treatment facility. they do AA there and encourage it. However it isnt mandatory, especially since his treatment isnt court ordered, it's voluntary. They have set him up with a counselor for regular issues and an addiction counselor to help him with that. he also was given a script for his anti-depressant which he stopped taking for 6 months. i do so very much hope that these things get him on the road to recovery. for me, im now on my own road.
i have to have a distant, casual, loose relationship with someone now that up until two weeks ago i slept next to every night, ate dinner with, laughed with. somehow, even through all the crap, our relationship was still good and to me that's amazing and im glad to have experienced love with him. i am not bitter most days because i know i have learned from this man, and he has learned from me.
it's just tough to swallow that for both our own good, even though we are in love, we cannot be together right now maybe if ever again. i also hate that he went back to his biggest enabler, mom, who has her own severe issues. but i have to let go because i have no control of this situation. none.
Hello B, welcome to MIP,as you've already discovered this place works wonders!
Like you, I have been scared of being abandoned and I'm amazed at what I tolerated. It did not do my AH or myself any good at all that I tried to turn the other cheek to his behaviour. I thought that I was protecting him by rolling with the verbal punches and betrayals. When I finally left him to his own devises and stepped back I was really scared, but after a few weeks I was also surprised to see that changes started to happen. It was not easy - we've been together for thirty years and old habits die hard - but it has definitely been better for both of us so far. I have always been really resourceful and self sufficient, and I did not really notice how much I focused on AH's needs and ignored my own. I did not notice how much my self esteem had dropped. Now I am using my time to learn how to feed my own soul and I suspect (and hope) that I will be a better and more loving person as a result. I know that AH and I got back together a little too soon and it has been a struggle to deal with the distancing (which you describe and understand so very well) and with the drop in my own opinion of AH - something that I did not factor in at all!!
I admire your awareness and I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this ghastly disease - you are not alone though and there is support on-hand here!
