The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's amazing how far-reaching the stuff I learn here is.
My ex AH (and I am for all intents and purposes his ex AW) has been in my thoughts tonight. Some years ago we went overseas to stay with his parents for a time. We ended up moving into our own flat and living there for a couple of years and during that time we were married and I returned home when I fell pregnant because life was just so miserable there and I wanted to be at home where things and people were familiar and caring. He followed me back home and I've always been quite nasty, saying that in hindsight, I wish he hadn't. In fact I've done nothing but hate him since the day that he left me. He wasn't a terrible guy, just irresponsible, controlling, negative and your run-of-the-mill A. At that time I wasn't a whole lot better, really. We were a terrible fit; 2 messed up individuals trying to squeeze some love and compassion out of each other and getting nothing but crap as a reward. He was the one that was smart enough to end it, even if he did do it badly and take all of my money and belongings...
Here's the bit I feel badly about. One of the biggest bones of contention was his parents. They are advanced A's and when we were there, they were rude, dismissive and generally awful to me. The day I learned I was pregnant, we went to visit them and share the news and they were both bombed and didn't even look up from the television as we delivered the news. I think one of them said"uh-huh". I was so angry to be dismissed like that...I was there to tell them that I was having their first grand-child! I was furious with him for not demanding better from them and walked home in the rain. It was like that a lot; I was always furious with him for "letting" his parents be rude, dismissive and uncaring. After we returned home, I sent them pictures of the baby, and birthday and Christmas cards and gifts and recieved no response and every time I would get so angry and expect him to share my outrage and disappointment. I just didn't understand
But what could the poor guy have done? His parents were both drunks and he told me many stories that indicated that they had been that way since he was a child. What was I expecting him to do? Confront them about their behaviour? Imagine the chaos that would have caused!
I might try to consider him with a little more compassion from now on. It won't make a shred of difference to him, but it feels good to let go of some of that anger and realise...he was in a really sad and depressing situation himself and I had awfully high expectations of him. It must have been very hard on him too. I might try to be a little less defensive and sarcastic and a little more compassionate.... and not worry about what I get in return. I think that will feel good.
((((Melly)))) Thank you for your share. What wonderful insight. You brought up a great topic. I will read it again since I am leaving now for work (shouldn't be on here at this time, lol)...
Interesting to see how twisted my thinking was; my AF was the way he was but he lived a crazy life and I didn't expect any better from him. Whereas AH's parents lived in a nice home and maintained appearances and I expected them to act like nice, normal people!! I was so outraged that they wouldn't. It really makes me smile and shake my head to think how utterly clueless I was and how absurd my expectations were.
I love this post because I can identify with that amazing realisation that now seems so obvious but while our minds are clouded we just cant see it. A similar realisation came to me a couple of months ago. My ex always blamed his Mother for her alcoholism and I did too after a while of listening to him and I disliked her for so many years. I see now that she was powerless, just like I am and she did the best she could with what she knew at the time. I wanted to make amends and I thought long and hard about how and I worked out that the person who was due the amends was me also because I had denied myself a relationship with this women who may have been able to support and help me in my life with her son. Anyway, my amends to her are through me not saying anything against her to my children. Before I would be dismissive of her and I would not encourage any contact, today I wont do that again.x
