Hi all! I haven't written for a long time, but I still read often and I just love this board. Alanon and MIP continue to help me change my life in HUGE ways for the better and I am so thankful. 

I've been going through some tough circumstances. Today and yesterday, I was rolling around some ideas in my head and this morning I wrote my thoughts down. Writing helped me put my thoughts together and then I thought maybe they would be helpful to someone so I'll share them here. I'd also love to hear any thoughts and ESH you might have. 

I've struggled all my life with feeling good enough, but as a perfectionist and overachiever there's also a problem with being too good. Nobody likes that right? My logic was like a stupid game with a stupid set of rules no one can win. So now I'm recovering from all of those feelings and struggles with the help of my HP. Maybe some of you will identify with this? :) 

My share was inspired by one of my favorite quotes that I now realize I have partially misinterpreted: 

...our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. Theres nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As were liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

            --- Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love 

We are all meant to shine as children do, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. I do believe that, but I realized this week that I haven't fully realized what it means. I thought of this shining as excelling at school or work, being and looking my best, always as reaching some achievement and doing it great. 

I've watched coworkers keep working through illnesses and loss. One returned to a meeting after a painful medical procedure while another kept working despite a dying parent. I admired their strength. I also wondered if the same should be expected of all of us. At the same time, I've been faced with prolonged health problems, surgery, profound but hidden loss, and now there are suddenly serious health problems and surgery for my father. I've struggled to keep up and continue to achieve, excel, and be great, and now I question why and I am forced to accept that I can't keep this up. 

And that's when I realized I don't have to, and a whole new redefinition of shine came into my life.

I need to stop measuring my shine, success, failure based on what anyone else does or thinks. Our needs are as varied as our unique selves and circumstances. The key is to do what I need for myself; don't judge myself by anyone else's standards and don't judge them by mine. I don't need to keep up. I just need to take care of myself and do my best.

We are meant to shine in our talents and joys, and we are also meant to feel confused, to feel sad, and to cry. We need to rest, grieve, and have our times of weakness that will be different for everyone. Weakness and strength can't be separated or escaped, and neither is wrong. They belong to all of us and through weakness we find our greatest strengths. It's in how we overcome adversity, transcend what used to be our limitations, and how we survive and grow.

Shining doesn't mean to excel, achieve every goal, accomplish every task. To shine really is to be authentic, to love and accept yourself and be true to who you are, what you want, what you need, how you feel. This means being able to feel the greatest joys as well as the deepest grief. This means having the courage to reveal the best of yourself as well as the courage to know and accept your own faults and weaknesses. This means being able to step forward as well as step back; to take risks; to achieve and excel at times and to fail at others; and to give yourself permission for choices that mean you take care of yourself even if it means some tasks don't get done, some goals don't get reached, and you don't excel in some parts of your life.

We all have weaknesses and struggles in life. Sickness and loss will happen. Stepping back, dropping the ball, and failing sometimes will happen even while we're giving our best. One of our big challenges then is to be true to ourselves and what we need. When we do that, we also give permission to others around us to do the same. Then we can all breathe a sigh of relief at accepting our own humanity and being in the thick of it together. We can forgive, we can be compassionate and gentle, and we can acknowledge that these are the ways that our souls truly shine.

In this way, we shine in our own hearts most brightly and bring that light in an authentic and loving way into our entire life.