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My husband is a caring, hardworking, giving man. I know he loves me and he professes it every day. He will go out of his way to make me comfortable and he says many times that he puts me first in our relationship.Except that he likes to drink. He knows how much I hate drinking. So he hides it in his garage and thinks that I do not know about it. Why gee dear, you are slurring your words AGAIN no matter how much you are trying to speak clearly so yes, I know that you have been drinking. This elephant in our marriage is looming larger and larger.
I guess my dilemma is do I excuse this one flaw because he is a wonderful person otherwise or do I leave. Financially I could manage just fine without him and maybe even better as I don't have expensive hobbies. We have been married a very long time, we have gone through hell with his kids and then our son. We have always joined together in adversity. And yet.... how can he think that he puts me first when the one and only thing I have EVER asked of him is not to drink. It seems to be tied so much into his image of what a MAN is, having a drink with the boys etc. And there are many men in this neighborhood who drink to excess. They are retired and I think they drink every day.
I know none of you can make this decision for me but I could use some input.
I would list the pros and cons of leaving. Up my alanon meetings to 90 in 90, pray about it and most of all remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless.
What a soul searching question you post. Sending you much understanding and support as you listen to your HP, work your program, and trust the guidance you receive.
I was told at one time as long as there is an active addiction, the addiction comes first. I saw that my addiction of codependency, too, came first. So I chose, through recovery, to work towards making me first in my life (not arrogantly, but lovingly and humbly) and the rest of my choices and decisions flowed from that place the healthier I became. I am having a situation currently in my life where I am processing and trying my best, with support, to make a good choice for me. The previous posters posted good stuff!
I am struggling with the same issue (minus the kiddos). It's so hard to figure out if it's 'good enough'. The unfortunate part is that we will never know if the grass is really greener somewhere else, or if what we have is just as green. It's a decision only you can make, and only after a lot of self-work, self-inventory, and talking to your HP. Until then, just try and take things one day at a time. Living in the present is very important - continuing to look at the past can distort what you're currently seeing. Good luck, and keep focusing on you!
Thanks, I do know if this marriage fails, I will never marry again so I don't worry about the grass being greener. I don't think I am co-dependent as he only watches his drinking because he knows he walks a thin line. We have had the discussion many times and every time he stops for a while.( So maybe I am after all as I tolerate it) I know he is an addictive personality and he has passed that on to every one of his kids. They are all grown and the first three both drink and drug. Our son seems to have alcohol as his choice. I do know for a fact that, if I leave, he will start drinking steadily and he is not a nice drunk. I have only seen him once in a drunken rage and told him then that it was the last time or we were finished completely. So I know that, while it will be his choice, he will lose everything because he will not admit that he should not drink at all.
I would list the pros and cons of leaving. Up my alanon meetings to 90 in 90, pray about it and most of all remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless.
The answer will come.
agree....and might i ad that you have read the posts here...untreated drinking leads to more sorrow, sickness, loss and eventually death....IF he were to get into AA and seriously dedicate himself to program, this would be much easier to figure out, I am sure you have broached the subject and anyway, HE has to CRAVE change and recovery to have an even shot......I don't tell anyone to stay/leave, it is NEVER my right or business to do so, however I will say that I did end up leaving my sweet, nice A#2 strictly bc I did not want to end up being his hospice nurse and see him die.....i did not want the emotional and financial hardship that his sure demise from his drinking would lead to....the navy would have discharged him, eventually, he did NOT want AA..didn't think he had a problem ...I could not force , cajole, plead, convince him otherwise.....so i gave up...I do not regret it b/c i wanted a life w/out substance abuse and now i have one...........that is MY take.....please up your meetings and dont' decide until you have really really thought and prayed for guidance....i would bounce it off my sponsor, the others at the meets that you respect to hear THEIR ES&H......I left b4 recovery....would i leave again, now with recovery under by belt??? YES!!! but for me, I didn't make the decision on emotions, i thought about it, spoke w/dear , trusted people....my now sponsor has been in AA since mid 80's and she is also the closest friend I have when the chips are down......i got her take...i spoke w/other wives who had dealt with this....and i waited for guidance from within me.....Good luck and I am so sorry you are facing this......It hurts my heart to see my goodest brother die by the day bc he will not give up his booze.......Because of this very thing, I keep a sort of distance/detachment from him bc of the heartbreak that will come if he does not get help....soooo sad!!!! my prayers go out to you.....AND to him
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I was told at one time as long as there is an active addiction, the addiction comes first. I saw that my addiction of codependency, too, came first. So I chose, through recovery, to work towards making me first in my life (not arrogantly, but lovingly and humbly) and the rest of my choices and decisions flowed from that place the healthier I became.
same here.....i am a RECOVERING CODA.....I am in remission as long as i work my program.....i am a recovering co-addict....I am a "lifer" in the program or i slip back down in that coda rabbit hole......and yes, making "me first in my life" and with humility and i, too, from this healthier place make better decisions...geared towards a healthier, happier, safer, saner life.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
i am asking the same questions as you deacon. in marriage relationships he did a lot, etc, he kept the drinking and smoking in the garage too! but 100% EVERY TIME we fought and i left the house or I was gone for any reason, he went STRAIGHT to drinking... I guess his mom thought I was helping him stay off drinking... now i realize my addiction is codependency. I ended our relationship 4 months ago and have been focusing on my recovery and taking care of me. there were a lot of things i needed to do for myself to make my home feel more warm and peaceful. i was not used to the peace. i was only used to anxiety and anger. now i feel myself slipping back, looking for another codep relationship... or maybe to make my AH feel guilty and get back into it with me.. that is MY weakness, my struggle.. I can really relate to your relationship. When we broke up I lost a lot... one of my biggest losses was all the TIME i spent struggling to control what i could not control. TIME that we can never get back.
You are predicting the future and playing God if you think you are all that's stopping him from getting worse. Even if he lost everything, that might be what it would take for him to get sober, earn it back, and appeciate it. For me, if I was the only thing stopping someone from hitting bottom, I would get out of the way. That's just me though and this attitude developed through what I went through with my own drinking and being in a relationship with another alcoholic for years and finally setting him and myself free.
Aloha Deacon and thank you for the trust you have with the MIP family. I read your post and want to ask you if you know that you are talking about two different people...Your husband and your Alcoholic. This was an early wakeup/awareness lesson I got with my sponsor. The woman I wanted and expected and the woman I lived with. Went I came to that awareness I was able to see more clearly and when I could see more clearly I could make better decisions. For me honestly there was never just "one flaw" especially as the disease manifested itself and grew more progressively. Enablers tend to minimize alot because that is part of us protecting and looking after the alcoholic, trying to rescue them from the negative aspects of the disease no matter how large or small.
It seems that y ou are a decent human being. Is that good enough? The disease is hurting you period and the decision for me was to find ways to stop hurting. She wouldn't stop drinking and using and all the other behaviors that came with it. The out come for me was by me...I am responsible for me.
I think it is. I can not live with alcoholism. Im hyper sensitive too it but it sounds like you can still see the good in him and your marriage. Alanon meetings and readings should help you focus on you and take your eyes off him. Living in the day and not projecting into the future is hard but so effective at giving peace from worry.x
I read once that being in an alcoholic relationship is like being in a relationship where the man has a mistress. He may be staying in the marriage but his mistress is getting the care and attention. That was what it was like in my marriage. The mistress was alcohol and I was the also-ran. Some people do live in marriages like that and they make it work for them. I think it depends on how much you need and whether you can get those needs met elsewhere. I don't mean needs for physical intimacy (though sometimes that is a concern). But if we need someone to confide in and have our back (which is what many people feel a marriage should ideally provide), many people are also able get that from friends and other family rather than their spouse. But if we're truly going without, that's a difficult situation. When the partner is not just "absent" but actually making life worse, that's even more difficult. You're the one best placed to know where your situation is on that scale. How much stress does he cause? Are you working around him, or does he actively contribute to the household in many ways even if not in all ways? There's no hurry and no deadline on figuring out how things are for you.
