Maybe I should not be posting today , I'm not a person that had a good wisdom way for the past several days . My life is out of my hands . I can't find my peace and be happy with myself if I don't know who is in control over my life today . Last week I know some one strong and smart and could see things for what there were has left me and brought back a very unsure unhappy girl who is back to step 1 . I loved living in my bedroom it was my own place of safety and kept me sane and able to do what I want and read and talk to other ppl who are struggling with the A or with other mental illness . I hate the word mental because ppl tend to stay away from you like your a disease and it's catchy . If you say co dependent ppl run to you because they no your willing to put your self last to appease them. The A got his one year big bold chip and just leaves it where ever . When I started Alaon I was given my first chip with a butterfly on it and I carry it every where with me to remind me I have a chance to change my life . That chip gives me hope and acknowledgment of better things to come for me.. Today the A was going food shopping and some how the topic changed to a disagreement because my phone rang and he wanted to see who it was and I told him but it was not good enought he wanted to see. I said NO , why because I already told him who it was I should not fall back in the way of proving it. I'm skipping over some stuff on here because I'm just sick and tired of talking about the same crap that's taking me back where I was on the beginning. ... IM ANGRY! I moved out of my safe house my apartment the A calls it . To play wife again . To someone I don't know anymore and who I see as some one to get his claws back into me and bring back the wife that did everything he wanted not what I wanted. I don't want to be some one I'm not , I don't want to be some one pet. I can't see why I can't stay in my own room and be accepted still as a wife why is it a big deal ??? It's a boundary of mine to keep me sane and still married , but I guess that's not how ( happy ) couples live like (not happy ) . According to the A and to the bible . A wife should be sleeping with her husband a wife should wear her wedding ring weather it fits or not or just to make the A feel better to know I'm wearing it.. I'm not one to wear something that does not mean anything to me . Wearing a wedding ring shows ppl that I'm married . I don't go out !! And who cares what my married status is anyways. I chose not to wear it because it has bad memory' for me it brings the past events up . I know this does not make sense to anyone I'm sure ,like I said I'm different I'm odd ,I look at things different . That wedding ring should represent love honest trust devotion dedicated joy happiness. To me in my eyes I view it as a commitment to stay in a marriage that was sick ,hurtful dishonest lack of trust and infidelity lies and so much harm that was done from the alcoholic it's not a ring of happiness and change and happy ever after . My children are getting better 20%better because the fighting had diminished since I lived upstairs . Me and the children had good times in my room talking about school reading books helping me set up my Alaon books and interested in learning how to change and be happy . Today I'm going to give all of that up to make my husband feel better to know he has a wife in bed with him and he can make sure his wife goes to bed at a good time and not stay up all night long. Because this is what he thinks is normal .. I'm giving up my independents for him. I know this is a wrong move !!!!! I'm already in tears that I'm giving in to a man that carrys the same character defects just with out the drink !!! I will give it a chance to see if he will honor my wishes my not going threw my personal belongings and not bothering me while I'm sleeping. he breaks that boundary one time I will leave peacefully . I have nothing to hide . I carry no guilt or shame I'm letting my guard down . Taking down my walls and bursting my own bubble to allow myself to give this man a chance to show me new healthy behaviors . He says he has . And just to toss this in and I drop it . He hasn't gone to a meeting since he got his big shiny one year chip . He told me the meetings have been cancled every time he went . (((( I'm blonde and Nieves))))) but not stupid Aa never shuts down there meetings it's the only fellowship I no that would stay open during any kind of crisis that going on . To me him saying that is HOGWASH !! All for being HONEST . Again I appolgized for not working my wisdom to the best of my needs . Open for any thing positive or negative I'm so not QTIP anymore . I take all from the table because it's not everyday I get offers . Thank you