The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
I have been doing some thinking about intimacy and the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home. I was searching for some books I could read and maybe some psychological approaches as opposed to shares. I came across this book and a section in the google sample spoke to me. Truly my higher power at work. The title and author are below and the section that jumped to me is paraphrased but this is essentially what it said.
Treating Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Behavioral Approach
By Douglas H. Ruben
'Forming new relationships poses a major obstacle because of inexperience with intimacy and fear of failure. Repeated failures creates feelings of distrust, futility and disrespect for partnerships. ACOA's develop cynical and stereotypical attitudes about inherent defects in the opposite gender. This machismo or feminism boasting one's gender superiority disguises underlying inabilities to form a genuinely caring relationship. Disguises fade away when the ACOA realizes the world is a lonely place and the need for a companion becomes desperate. Impulsive date searching by surfing the internet and taking every class on Tai-chi approaches irresponsible over-reactions to not having companionship.'
It then goes on to say;
'The rule of 'i'll know a partner is right when it feels right' competes with appropriate contingencies because instinctive feelings are unreliable and usually lead to repetitive dysfunctional relationships. The rule replacing this should be 'if you meet someone and feel you've known them your whole life and you can't believe how comfortable you are, that's a warning sign. it means you are doing things to familiar, as you have done them before. Instead if you feel nervous, intimidated or inferior you are likely on to a good relationship because they are making you do new things you probably need for a healthy relationship.
Man.....it's like this book was about me......In my 20's, no one ever took my relationship advice seriously to the point where they would laugh everytime I tried to give advice. It hurt deeply. My cynicism is totally a mask to cover the notion that I dont know how to make small-talk, I dont know how to date, I dont know how to create intimacy. I never saw any of that in my home. I have a hard time creating comfort and a hard time trusting. Because of this, people would laugh and make fun of me because I would put down their relationship with my cynicism. It would result in more backlash and re-affirm my cynicism. I would get even more bitter and feel trapped. I didn't know how to fix it. I would remember how alone and left out I felt, think suicidal thoughts, isolate myself and repeat the pattern and incessant internet dating.
My lack of confidence has never been in my ability to make a woman happy, but in my ability to get her attention and get her interested. In trusting her. I was never taught any of these things.
The notion of asking for help in this regard just scares the living stuff out of me. I'm afraid that people will inquire as to why I need help on something s basic they learned as children.
People have always told me that I need an assertive girl. No kidding! They have to make the first move. They have to show interest. I dont know how to do that.
I would always say stuff like when its right Ill know and well never argue. These over the top notions that downplay conflict or the prospect of failure and downplay my cynicism, or getting hurt. I truly believed these things........I did.
I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Now, I find myself thinking of all the wasted years. The missed opportunities. I feel like a giant fool.
But, this re-affirms that my thinking was not abnormal for my situation J.
So enlightening. I bet so many of us have had just this experience. The part about "repeated failures" is so true it makes me cringe. And I too feel like "I just don't know how to do it." My response was just to dash into any relationship that seemed available, and think "I'm in one! Great!" and then stick to it no matter how dysfunctional or painful, because finding a better, healthier, pain-free partner felt so unachievable.
A lot of people find this stuff really hard, whether we're co-dependent or not. And I think we're all madly pretending we're cool and un-anxious.
You've come a long way I think lots and lots of people can look back and think that they have been foolish - I'm definitely included in that. Thank you for this share, it points to lots of wisdom and awareness. Sometimes I feel like such a child in these matters!!
I have been recently dumped by a beautiful man who has never been in a good relationship - he picks abusive women. He is now suffering from ACOA PTSD and has shut me out of his life, doesn't know why and if he can ever open back up. We had a good relationship except he never spoke up for himself and resented me for not reading his mind.
There are partners out there that want to be with you, who are willing to learn new types of communication and who are not abusive...when you find these people, who also have their own lives...me, you, us style - don't be scared, ask what they want, ask what they love about you and don't give up just because you're scared. We don't know what you're thinking...give us a chance. We chose you for a reason. By running and not being honest you hurt us too.
Brene Brown's Ted Talk of vulnerability is a good one to listen to.
I have been recently dumped by a beautiful man who has never been in a good relationship - he picks abusive women. He is now suffering from ACOA PTSD and has shut me out of his life, doesn't know why and if he can ever open back up. We had a good relationship except he never spoke up for himself and resented me for not reading his mind.
There are partners out there that want to be with you, who are willing to learn new types of communication and who are not abusive...when you find these people, who also have their own lives...me, you, us style - don't be scared, ask what they want, ask what they love about you and don't give up just because you're scared. We don't know what you're thinking...give us a chance. We chose you for a reason. By running and not being honest you hurt us too.
Brene Brown's Ted Talk of vulnerability is a good one to listen to.
Grumble
Thank You very much Grumble.
That was a very hopeful share. I am glad I read that :)
Keep your chin up. In the past I have broken up with girls because it felt to comfortable. That was honnestly my reasoning, There was nothing wrong with the relationship. We had fun, got along great. Their families liked me.
I just always justified it by saying 'i didn't have that feeling'. I believed that I was waiting for a woman that was going to rescue me and make me feel like I was worth it. She was going to define me and prove to the world I am worthy.
Many times I would get advances from women and would tell myself 'but she doesn't need me'.....wow.....lol. Is that messed up or what ?
Needless to say I did pass up some wonderful opportunities to get to know some very beautiful women. Even some that came to the program.
I have been seeking help in al-anon for about 3 years. I love this program. I am finally discovering a sense of self and understanding my thoughts and behaviours and only now am I tackling intimacy and relationships on a serious level.
I think lots and lots of people can look back and think that they have been foolish - I'm definitely included in that. Thank you for this share, it points to lots of wisdom and awareness. Sometimes I feel like such a child in these matters!!
