The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not sure even how to write this. I find writing it out is just as theraputic as the responses. No secret to the MIP family that I have an AH. It's no secret to alot of people. I am happy. I have been keeping up with me (as in meetings, haircuts, clothes, getting to the dentist, visit with friends) I actually love my job. My kids do well in school and have friends. We recently had a great family outing last weekend and everyone laughed and enjoyed each others company. My AH has a great job with benefits that he has had for a very long time. When he comes home he drinks beer and goes to other rooms to drink his pint of vodka and naturally pass out. I am indifferent to it now. He will slowly kill himself and I will end up a widow. I wonder sometimes if he will ever get his "AH-HA" moment or will he continue to glide through his life drinking it away. Never has he been abusive to me or the kids. We both say hateful things at times, but don't all people become rude at some point in the day. I wanted to grow old with him, travel around the world when we can, but this elephant. I won't talk to him about it...he knows he is drinking himself away. I love watching my TV shows when he is passed out...the remote is all mine. I really feel like I have a grip on my life (and the kids) but this elephant is HUGE. He needs help. He needs rehab. I love him too much to go, my detaching doesn't seem to bother him, it's like we are doing this fine tuned dance that I have perfected, and yet, so has he. (hahahaha, as I wrote that last sentence, I got my AH-HA moment)
I know that feeling very, very well. Everything is fine, except...
Something I'm struggling with myself is that no matter what, I cannot make my husband do anything. I may think I know what is best for him, but the more I try and control the situation the more things become unmanageable. There is NOTHING you can do that will give him that Ah-ha! moment. It's frustrating as heck to want something so badly for someone, but you can easily choke them with it. It sounds like you've really done a wonderful job focusing on you and your recovery.
I can completely relate to your post and it highlights an area in my life that I am struggling with at the moment.
Like you I use the past tense when I'm thinking 'I wanted to grown old with him'.
Like you there are things that I would have loved us to do together. Now I struggle because I think that if I plan something for us both the experience it will just go weird on me!
I am questioning what my marriage is. What would I be doing differently if I lived on my own? Not much. Am I helping myself (or my husband) by accepting this status quo? Possibly not.
I have arrived at a point when I can honestly say that it is up to AH what he wants to do with his life. But it is a sensitive search for me when I start looking at what I would like to include in my life story. Thank you for the trigger.
PS I love elephants but it does get to be a bit of a pain when I keep stubbing my toe on them in the dark
Im in same boat .... We coexsist pretty well. I dont want this life forver. I know its not changing on his side. So retirement and having someone to enjot "golden years" with is not an option. I dont wana have an elephant .. if he's gonna be passed out, Id rather it not be in the same house Im in.
Ive worked on myself for last 3 plus yrs. Im very happy with me, my job, my kids and hobbies. My AH continues to work on his drinking and hobbies. Ive called atty and am trying to schedule appt around my vacation days in the next couple months. Im just ready for a new chapter. No point in talking about it... it turns into the same ole broken promise fights/issues.
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
