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This is the most absurd thing I have ever written.
Had a massive step backwards yesterday. We were both having good days, we made plans to go out with friends to have dinner that night, all was well. I even felt lighter. I felt happy. When he got home, I tried to very, very nonchalantly ask him about how much he'd been drinking recently. I have no idea why I decided to ask him this. I think I was honestly curious, but I really couldn't say why. It was like I had dropped a bomb.
"You keep on just cutting me down. Every time this comes out of the blue. I thought things were ok, that we were ok, and then you just take a shot at me out of nowhere. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around you, I don't know what to do any more!" (I tried to explain that I was not responsible for how he feels when I ask him questions like that, just like I have a choice in how I react to situations he puts me into. Neither of us can make the other person feel a certain way - it's our choice how we react. But I can see his point because he used to 'make me' feel angry or sad or scared a lot as well.)
"I feel like I've finally made such good progress, I've done a lot of mental cleaning-house, I'm so happy with our real house, I've gone to the allergist and am physically feeling better. Why does this have to happen now? Everything is going well and now I have to deal with your stuff." (This actually made me really mad. I've spent YEARS trying to support and help him, and now that I'm having trouble and need support it's a pain in the butt? See how it feels?!)
"I think you're still trying to subconsciously control my drinking. I know you'd rather I 100% quit, but that's not what I want. I don't even think you'd be happy if I quit 100%, you'd still find something to be worried or upset about, or just wouldn't believe me." (I don't really have a response to this. I just don't know.)
"I have to be firm about this, and I know I'm being a jerk, but you constantly put me on the defensive about everything. I just wish that you could forget about it all." (Yeah, because it's so frickin' easy to just forget how much you hurt me, how much I had to put up with when things were bad with you, and how many times you broke my trust. Yep. Let's just forget all of that. So easy!)
I tried to give him this analogy: Imagine that, for years, every day you received a box. And every single time you opened that box it was full of poo. Every day, for years, you get a box, and it's poo. Then, for the past 3 months, you get the same box, but no poo. Hooray! That's nice. However, you cannot tell me that even with the change in the past 3 months, your stomach wouldn't drop a bit every time you get that box. Because you never know if it might be full of poo again.
I thought it was a pretty good way (if not a bit gross and slightly inelegant) to explain my feelings - that living with an alcoholic meant you were never really sure what to expect, but that it was almost always unpleasant. With recovery, however, I could see change, but I didn't trust it 100% yet. He just thought I was calling him a box of poo. It went downhill very quickly from there.
I do realize the victim in me is coming out, guns a'blazin'. I really am not sure why. I don't know why I took a sudden nosedive from focusing on me and my well-being to wondering what he is doing, how much is he drinking, him him him again. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything, but he pointed out that wasn't right for us either. We have to be honest with each other, even if it hurts.
Also, I really feel like we have completely swapped roles in this madness. The main thing he said that brought that idea home was "Your actions make me not want to be around you. You're pushing me away, and it's wearing me down." Just like how I used to feel. It's like he used to be in his deep, dark pit, and I did as much as I could to help. Which included grabbing a shovel and starting to dig, throwing dirt into his hole so he could climb out. Now he's out, and I'm in my down pit (one I had no idea I was digging because I was so focused on getting him out of his), and now that I realize what happened I have no way to climb out. And I'm mad that I'm down here because I wouldn't be if I hadn't thrown all my dirt into his pit. And he's mad because he expected me to be at the top with him when he climbed out. And it's all just a big mess.
I'm sorry if this post is massively long, or doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I swear, when I look back at the last 24 hours all I can think is, "What the heck just happened??"
I do realize the victim in me is coming out, guns a'blazin'. I really am not sure why
Great insight...what is your best guess as to the answer? If you have a sponsor, this question would be a great one to explore...there is gold in doing an honest inventory. From there, honest amends can be made. You are worth the exploration....
It sounds to me as if you can't get that worry out of your head. That would be very normal. I like your analogy of the box of poo. I also have that experience of the A totally not seeing why their drinking is like living with a box of poo. They think it's invisible and it has no impact on others. They don't realize that it contaminates everything it comes in contact with.
I finally learned that if my A wasn't earnestly working a program of recovery (which he wasn't), then he was drinking. Metaphorically speaking, the box of poo was going to arrive. It's like having an old pet that can't control its bowels. You know you're going to find messes on the rug. Just because there's no mess one day -- you can't expect that you won't arrive home to find a mess the next day.
Clearly asking the question triggered a blow-up and in that sense it would have been better just to repeat the answer to yourself rather than ask the question. BUT I also see the big-time denial your A is frantic to achieve. It's like he's saying, "WE WERE FINE TILL YOU ACKNOWLEDGED THAT SOMETHING BAD HAS BEEN GOING ON! THE DENIAL WAS WORKING TILL YOU STOPPED PRETENDING! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! PRETENDING MAKES EVERYTHING FINE!" Ha! If only.
As you say, you could have refrained from asking the question. Or he could have just replied calmly, "I know you're worried, but I'm doing the very best I can." You can't force him to blow up any more than you can force him to stop drinking. He wants to keep drinking, and he wants to blow up to defend it. His choice in both. And he wants to blame it on you! Haha, good try, A, but your efforts are pretty transparent!
Oh my - I've had the same conversation a few times!
Whilst I completely understand that folks don't like to be reminded of bad times in their life, it does seem to me to be remarkably insensitive to blow a gasket and get frustrated with the question being asked - you have good reasons for asking after all and a bit of reassurance would be nice. That said - a relationship with an A is not normal is it?
Personally I think that I will feel more confident that AH is recovering when he can take this type of question in his stride. I guess by that time I will not be particularly interested in the answer. Either way, we are not there yet!
Sometimes, I've gotten bored and stirred things up because I was used to drama and not peace. I wasn't conscious at the time that I was doing that, but I was. I found in asking the questions about why I did what I did when I did it (and that didn't mean I shared it with the other), I learned the truth about my part in some dramas.
