New to Alanon. Old to addictive behavior. - Al-Anon Family Group

Damselfly · Newbie

New to Alanon. Old to addictive behavior.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Damselfly wrote:
....and knowing my happiness is of my own making. How do married people make this ****storm work.

you dont....it takes two and he seems to be "out of the game" so if i were you i would wash my hands of it....work my program....get into as many meets as you can ...for the first 90 days, you go to 90 meets....find a sponsor...work the steps to re-discover yourself and you make YOU work with YOU...

there is nothing u can do for him...if his liver is already elevated, it wont' be long till the booze begins to slowly take him out....unless he gets into rehab and the program and completely and 4ever stops, he has no chance ....the booze will begin to take his health, mind, jobs, finances.....it is a slow spiral into hell, if he does not get into AA and quit drinking....and STAY off the booze......only a strong program w/a good spnsor is the way for him

detachment is a mechanism you will have to become really strong at bc you didn't cause this...u cannot control this and you cannot cure this

alanon is about US...not them.....this is a save your own arse program.....it teaches you how to be your own best friend and to take care of you.....

whether you stay w/him or leave, that is your choice.......i, for one, got sick of watching my SECOND alkie mate slowly kill himself and i kicked him out. got into recovery, found out WHY i picked such unhealthy relationships and now i see, through recovery eyes , why.....

i would never get into it again.......but lets talk about what you are going to do about YOU

the short list is

find a local meeting and attend...get familiar w/the other folks by regular attendence b/c you are going to need all the support you can

get literature, workbooks on the 12 steps and other good alanon literature and read and meditate on it and practice what it teaches

find a sponsor asap to help you with the steps...and work them diligently....essentially u r marrying the program bc in the first couple of years, at least, you need total committment to program so you can practice new behaviours , and learn how to take care of you

so sorry u r in this...unless he gets help, there is no chance for you TWO, but with alanon there is a BIG chance for YOU , some folks stay and they learn to live life married, but apart....they make their own lives adn let the alkie to his own consequences......some folks say "screw this, it isn't worth it" and they leave

i stayed 13 years total w/ AH#2 bc he was so good to me and he was a lovely soul, but i gave up bc i saw the handwriting on the wall....it began compromising his health......his liver became swollen....doc told him to quit or make out his will......he would not quit.......i gave him 30 days to get into AA and fight for life......he refused.....i kicked him out and drug my own sick ass in recovery so i would never ever get into another dysfunctional relationship/marriage again.......

please give alanon a chance...it is your life raft...

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 13th of November 2013 07:22:31 AM

Damselfly · Newbie

Thank you for your honesty. We just moved to a new area and will be looking for meetings to attend. Have a friend who has fawned over the program to me for 2 years now. My main focus is keeping myself healthy and protecting my girls. I do love my AH and not out of pity. I'm not ready to kick him out, but I am ready to strengthen my self and teach my girls, through action, what a strong woman is.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Damselfly wrote:
Thank you for your honesty. We just moved to a new area and will be looking for meetings to attend. Have a friend who has fawned over the program to me for 2 years now. My main focus is keeping myself healthy and protecting my girls. I do love my AH and not out of pity. I'm not ready to kick him out, but I am ready to strengthen my self and teach my girls, through action, what a strong woman is.

Like I said.....some folks stay....some leave, like I did.....its up to the individual.....IF he does not get into recovery, its gonna be a hard road....I hope u hook up w/alanon bc those girls are going to need a healthy example to follow so they don't end of in acoa 12 steps, OR marrying into this themselves......i would strongly suggest alateen when they are old enough to attend.....you in alanon and them in alateen , to me, can give them a healthy shot at life.....these kids need to have in their lives....safety...structure...healthy boundaries...positive re-inforcement....they need to know that they are going to be "ok" and that life is not some horror movie, lived out like my life as a child was.........its in yours and your higher power's hands....u CAN make this "ok" for the kids who are the innocent and vulnerable here........they are helpless and they have no choices...you do.......they need you.....You have much work to do and I would not wait.......I am glad you showed up here and i am glad u r putting those children on priority #1 bc their little lives depend on "mom working a strong program".......good luck.......and glad you came here......first thing??? find a meeting.....then go from there......

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Damselfly,
((((((Welcome)))))))

I think your post shows some great awareness and it feels as though you and I are wearing the same shoes

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
You will get lots of support and knowledge from this site and face to face meetings are really helpful on lots of levels.

In your post you ask yourself three questions about hurting, leaving and loving. I ask myself those questions on a daily basis as well and the answer that my head gives is still a little different to the answer that my heart gives - and that is after six years of my alleged awareness!!

I have stayed with AH, partly because I still have a smidgen of hope for us and partly because I like my home. It works best for me when I am getting on with the rest of my life and not really paying much attention to him. Not easy, since I would love to be a more loving wife but at the moment that intimacy is something that we both have trouble with. It is not much of a marriage any more (we've been in this holding pattern for three years now and, like water over stone, the grooves of discontent are getting far too deep). My anger at AH's lack of positive action has increased and I have watched my love for him flicker and fade. That does not make me feel great about myself btw - which is the most damaging thing of all - and at least I do have some control over my own thought patterns.

I thought that I was strong and loving to stay but I do wish now that I had drawn a line and left a couple of years ago so that AH could see how much change was really needed. I did leave at one point but came back, full of hope, far too early. I now only accept behaviour that I would find acceptable in a sober person.

For me the most important thing is to do is whatever compliments my self esteem most. AH has his own problems to deal with and sadly I don't think that I can help him with those.

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Welcome Damselfly,
You are not alone here...many of us have similar situations, and MIP is a sanity saver for sure. I wish I'd found this program years ago, but late is better than never:)
Hugs to you!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

II am glad you are looking for al -anon meetings they saved my sanity. Two great books I read when I first came here was Getting them Sober and Codependent No More. Take care of you, it sounds like you have great awareness!

Damselfly · Newbie

Wow Milkwood, we do sound similar. I didn't even go into our lack of intimacy. I try to spark a flame, but when he drinks, I find him so utterly repulsive that anything after 5pm is No go. and like you, Ive stayed with him because of the glimmers of hope I get at times. Though he is not drowning in booze like he was, his lover is so saturated that even the littlest bit "shows". He's the definition of "functioning alcoholic". Does well at his job, is a great dad, works hard contributing around the house.....but then blows it at night :/

well thank you, and and all here for my new support on this path. I know I have been a "fixer" since I was a kid, but know I can't fix him. I am going to embrace my own issues and nurture myself.

Thank you~

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

He's the definition of "functioning alcoholic". Does well at his job, is a great dad, works hard contributing around the house..

**************
I don't think there is such a thing as a "functioning alcoholic" in that this is all temporary (job, working, contributing) it is all being taken by the booze....functioning alcoholic came from someone who must not know the for sure, spiral these people go down if the do not arrest it immediately....yea, he works now, but if he keeps drinking the physical ramifications will stop that...he will get sicker and sicker

i think what did it for me, in addition to my natural mother, was my big brother in law....my oldest adoptive sisters husband...both of whom i knew as a child and when my adopted sister took me under her wing to get me away from the abuse as best as she could, bought me school clothes, took me to school on her way to work, she was my heroine...i went to bed at night dreaming of my beautiful sis marrying a prince b/c she was a princes....my nest in line older adoptive sis (her bio sis) was my other hero.....when they took me home to their mom and dad, mom and dad G tried to make my adoption legal....the offender refused to give me up....mom and dad "smelled abuse" and they hated the alcohol abuse i was subjected to so the forced his hand..."share this child w/us or we go to court and lets see what abuse might come to fore"...offender backed down and shared custody w/me.....this one action on the part of mom and dad G saved my lfe....it gave me enough of a respite from my horrors, i stopped trying to kill myself

fast forward to my big sis "P" she found her man....i knew him since childhood too...he was a love...but an alcholic.....i was scared to death b/c this disease was already killing that woman who gave birth to me and here my beloved sis was marrying an alkie....i loved "Bibby" who is now dead from his disease....i watched my sis try to get him into AA....give up and detach....she began to live her own life....she got into alanon and she just totally detached, but the toll on her was imense.....he was in love with her.........a great bro. in law to me....i would go stay with them and "Bib" never harmed any of us..."P" was a lucky wife in that he never abused her, i saw him shove her aside once but that was all....we kids were safe.....he used to want to take us to the dairy queen but big sis said "no,not when u r drinking" she protected us.....

it was sad, watching him go from this robust guy who played base ball and soccor like a pro....he began to dissipate.....i watched it happen....his strong body began to suffer the affects.....then job losses b/c he could not make it to work on time and he was awesome at his job...construction.....this guy who never graduated from HS knew how to do everything and when not sloshed, he was someone the companies wanted....but one by one they began to pass him by bc they had to have someone sober....so "Bib" drank more out of frustration.....his skin became kinda sallow looking from the liver damage.....he began to lose his mental sharpness......it just got worse and worse and finally my sis had to make the hard decision, i was grown up, her kids were getting older, and she made the tough decision to leave b/c she was not a wife anymore....that was long gone...alanon was her mate....she had no companion, that was gone.......no lover, that was gone.....she saw that she would end up being his nurse, his hospice care giver as he refused recovery, OR would go but didn't last.....the end results, he was going down hill fast.....next thing i know my sis is leaving him......she asked him to leave bc the house she needed to raise the children....he was "ok" with that and left.....

he moved in w/his brother..drinking continued and so did his demise.....he died not long after....the docs told my sis that she would have been saddled w/a very very sick man and with her needing to work, it would have been very very hard....her decision to split was NOT bc she didn't love him.....it was self preservation and the kids.

i watched this decline....he looked like my mother when she was dying from it......

i guess that is why i think the way i do......IF they are in program?? no worries...Sis would have stayed and supported him, but bc he refused to stay in it and drank, she cut her losses, accepted that AA would never be his friend and so she let go....completely.....he just kept getting worse and finally died.....bleeding due to liver damage....same as my mother.....it was messy....hope they didn't suffer too much......i soo loved my big brother......i miss him to this day.....his younger sibs were my buddys.....1 of whom had a crush on me but i did not marry him......the other sib and i were like brother and sister, he died a natural death from heart failure....he never drank.......Bib got his drinking from his A dad......

I am a BIG supporter of those in AA and being sober, sustained sobriety and working their program....i can almost tell the ones who have a great shot at a life and the ones who are "ehh jury is out on this one" it CAN be managed ONLY if he arrests it, gets into AA and works the hell out of the program...and its not a "diet" it is a LIFESTYLE (AA) its a LIFE commitment NO vacations from it or they can slide right back down the hole....

I DO hope u can straddle this and keep yourself going....i really do

hope my posts didnt sound too negative, but i feel it is only right to share, with total honesty my experiences with this awful disease.....i don't have liquor or anything alcoholic in my house.....I don't allow alcohol abuse in my house ...difficult if i don't keep alcohol in my home....i just don't want to encourage abuse...

i have a beer every now and again when i am out at restaurant, waiting for my dinner....soon as the food arrives, i push the beer away and i eat.....or at a party....one or two and "give me the food".....

i used to self medicate my childhood pain with beer drinking, but i was lucky...i beat the "getting hooked" part....it was symptomatic for me....got into alanon and acoa and my need to self medicate went away.....it was just a means to numb my pain i was not willing to address as of yet....i am grateful to HP i didn't get hooked....

bc i was so coda, i married two of them...just like big sisters.....i see why....i always felt less then and felt i deserved no better.....dysfunction was familiar.....i was a good little coda, always people pleasing to receive love , it didnt work...it never does.....I am lovable all by myself AS I AM.....acoa and alanon saved my life and my sanity......

OK....enuf said...i just shared what i and my sisters went through (other older sis now has alzheimers and is totally detached from her A...mercifully he can't torment her anymore bc she is in her own little world" but yea, she is still in the same house w/her A who is going to not last much longer....he lost his last job.....doesn't work at all, now, but drinks.....he sleeps a LOT....his body, fighting to recover from last night's drinking will eventually lose the battle.....UNLESS re-hab and recovery....

PEACE be to you on your road to your recovery.....

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