The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The holidays are coming up and I am starting to think about how me and my BIL do not really get along. He doesn't live here but he comes during Christmas time and him and his girlfriend and 3 kids come and stay at our house for a few days. Between my 2 boys and my husband - there is a lot of noise and talking going on. What usually happens is that I try and say something and my BIL ignores my words and pretty much just doesn't act like I am in the room but he also analyzes me as well and makes little joking comments to me. I always feel either ignored or analyzed by him. He has even told me that I need to laugh more and be more bubbly like I used to be. The thing is that I can be bubbly and fun when I feel like I am being treated respectfully and not analyzed. His girlfriend needs alanon really bad and I have tried to connect with her but all she does is laugh at my BIL and follow him around. I have been in alanon for almost 3 years now and am really working my program and try and listen and learn and respect others and also be myself! I feel like I cannot be myself around them at Christmas. I would love to hear some ES&H about how you all deal with certain family during the holidays - I would really like to be a blessing to my BIL and his family and not be stuck in a victim role you know? I want to be empowered and not feel sorry for myself. I am also an introvert so I need time to feel and think about my feelings - I feel like he just doesn't like me for me. It really hurts. Thanks for listening and I am so glad you are here - you all are my family
No you dont need his blessing. In fact he should be all humble about staying in your home and treating you like a queen. But real life is something different. You dont have to be analyzed by him. You dont even have to be stuck in the same room as him.
Enjoy the kids and help them have the best time together. Ignore the rest of them. Keep yourself happy and dont try so hard with your bil and girlfriend.
Take care of yourself.
Living with the disease of alcoholism I too lost my sense of self and felt invisible, and unimportant This is one of the reasons alanon tools and program. are so important
You are a perfectly wonderful women who is an intelligent, beautiful, compassionate understanding generous person who entertains at the holiday and whose home you are in. Please begin to make an asset list as part of your daily efforts to practice program
I found that once I did this I was able to think, know and feel who I was, my self esteem returned and I could walk with the group and feel connected
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 13th of November 2013 08:08:36 AM
Thanks for that quick reminder "Its none of my business what you think of me" - I am pasting that up to remind myself everyday that I really do need to react to anyone else's criticisms, witticisms or put downs
II think the people pleased in us hates the idea of someone not liking us how we are, but not only is it none of your business what people think of you, I find myself liking people who seem solid and don't seem to mind. I have had al -anon for awhile now and finally feel solid in who I am however like you family makes me have to up my recovery program. All in the name of growth right. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have let people's dislike of me intimidate me. I like peace. I like to be liked. I had a friend who was very confident in herself. She put a record she really liked on the stereo we had in our apartment. It was too loud for my taste. I said so. She said, "You don't like it?" I said, "No." She turned it up higher and grinned. The volume on the stereo wasn't hurtful to me. She handled it in a way that basically said, "Too bad" without being rejecting. I learned a lot from her that day. When I feel intimidated when I'm not doing anything that is hurtful, I can remember my dear friend who taught me "too bad," and I continue to do what I sense is mine to do in the moment and it isn't to get the other person to like me.
