The material presented
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Hi Suzie, you sound like you are working your program hard. I dont know what its like to be in recovery and live with my ex AH. Most of the women who attend my meetings are still with their husbands but its not easy. They have lived for years with the isms that remain even though the alcohol is gone. They talk of bizarre, inconsiderate, erratic behaviour that is all about this dis- ease they feel. I like your analogy of a person drowning, not seeing the answer that's right in front of them. I decided I could not live with alcoholism again so I have no contact with my ex now. He is in a program and the last time I spoke to him he sounded good but still the same irritability rises its ugly head. I know that if I went back with him it would be him or me. He would lead the life he wants at the expense of my life and there is no way thats happening. Ironically my son is showing signs and I am working on detachment with him but its a different story. Its socially acceptable to leave your marriage and your husband behind and never look back but not your son. I dont want to walk away and never could but I still need to choose me and my life. I have a right to a peaceful, calm life if thats what I want and I do want that. Take care of you and your life, if you want peace and serenity then you may have to get it for yourself regardless of what he chooses to do with his life.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 12th of November 2013 02:05:17 PM
I recently moved back home. AH went through Rehab, he is a normal person again. Well, a normal A anyway, with all the pesky elements of the disease and its dysfunction. Of course, I have all the elements of the disease too. I am going to Alanon, and CoDa. They help me immensely. Unfortunately He is not going to ANY meetings. and to top it off he is drinking Odoul's which Does have alcohol in it, he recognizes it, he says it even gives him withdrawals. He apologizes and says he knows he shouldn't..true A style meaning he is blowing smoke. It is so frustratingI want to detach, but at the same time, I want a healthy marriage and healthy husband. He is not working on getting mentally healthy.
Last nighthe went out with "friends" (they are actually workers painting out house). Frankly I don't think it is appropriate for him to be "socializing" with people that work for us. but that is just another element of the story. He did not call me until after 9pm to tell me where he was. (I didn't call him..nor did I want to...go me). then he texted me around 11:30 that he was "diffusing" a situation. I reminded him that that is not his responsibilitythat they won't even be in his life in 3 months. I know that he has a good heart, but I also know that he is codependent. I also think that he likes to "do" things as an excuse to be where he WANTS i.e. party. I also think the he DOES things such as repaint the house or move furniture to 1. keep himself busy 2. to have something to stress over. He doesn't know how to relax. I am happy that I have learned that taking time OFF (no TV, no thinking about the future or past, quiet time) is part of my higher powers plan to speak to me and to refresh me so that I can have less Chaos in my head.
When I see his behaviors, It's like watching someone drown face down when I know all they have to do is have faith that if the flip over they can breathe.
I guess this is just what it is. I guess that part of loving someone so much includes being with them when they are in trouble. And I guess I should remind myself that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
The other side of the coin is, What do I want out of my life? I do have a choice. I do love him, I don't really want to leave him. Do I accept the good times and try to learn not to care that he doesn't come home? BULL CRAP. That ought to be a deal breaker. It is unacceptable. He has an addiction to Alcohol, not being out all night. But we all know that Alcohol leads to poor decisions, which leads to him being out all night. They are intertwined.
I am not necessarily down in the dumps cause he stayed out all night. I am down in the dumps cause I made some a hasty decision to work a shift and I have to miss church next Sunday. I also have my own business to run and It really needs me, but I don't really want to be there. And the work I go to is a fun job for me to be productive as well as have friends without being their boss. But it is an Hour away and my shifts are only 4 hours at a time. Usually my boss schedules me to work before or after one of my meetings or activities nearby so I can hit two birds with one drive so to speak. But my husband likes to tell me he misses me etc etc. And constantly asks me to quit. Ironically, I saw him for about a total of an hour yesterday. But I have to admit, an hour there and back is long. But I realize that when I get out of the house and am productive - I feel better.
Thanks for letting me Share, you all are beautiful.
I heard alot about him in your post, but what about you here? What are you gonna do with your day to stay healthy and on your side of the street? Senidng you love and support on your recovery!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have a Simular Husband in Regards to the:
" I also think the he DOES things such as repaint the house or move furniture to 1. keep himself busy 2. to have something to stress over. He doesn't know how to relax."
My Husband has "Projects" on Every Side of the House, Our Camp, and if there isn't one he Invents one! Now Mind ya they are ALL "Started" Not Many have Made it to the "Completed" Finish LIne... Many Get Close! But Rarely 100%...
Thanks to my Recovery, I have Been able to Allow him to BE who He is! I Stay out of his Way & Out of his Projects, and when he starts Ranting about ALL that he has to do! I Just Kindly Remind him that the only one that signed him up for that Job was Him! He Made the Choice to take it on... Not Me! I'm Sorry he is Overwhelmed but at the same time, I Can't feel sorry when he keeps Packing more On top of what is already TOO MUCH...
We too Run Our own Business and it can be VERY Tiring... We Work together Everyday, Live together, and about the Only part of our lives that is NOT Together is MY Recovery! "Thank GOD!" lol However, Without My Recovery I don't know if He & I would have made it to our 17th Yr together! Because when I got here just 5 short Years ago, I was ready to Call it a day... NOW... I Let Him be Him, and I Work on Being the Best "ME" I Can be For Myself & Our Son!
This Program is For US... And if they Choose not to have their Own Program then that is Their Loss... But Taking Care of ME is the Best thing I have Done for My Marriage... And Has Helped Love My Husband Where he is and not have to carry his Burdens as My own...
Boy, this is tough. I am fighting back the fear and failing at it. It is so hard to stay detached when it is OUR life. For example. We just bought a new truck. Well, he leaves the keys in it when he goes out. So it is parked in a trailer park with the keys in the cupholder. So.is that HIS deal? Or do I need to let it go? He buys beer for the workerswhile they are working..which is about the most asinine thing. Why would you want the guy repairing your boat engine to have a buzz? I don't get it. Then, since he doesn't want to drive, he lets the buzzed worker drive him around. Plus I don't trust that he doesn't drink, and I want to tell him that it would make me feel a lot better if he did't have cold Beer around him constantly. But of course, he would just hide it. But I wish he would not feed them beer out of respect for me. Im all twisted up. But I know I'll get better, I always do.
I'm sorry for my own rant. I get it. I was successful a few times at the let go and let God - it really really worked and it changed my whole perspective on life. But I can't get it to work right this minute. I am letting the fear and the anger and the resentment take over. Some if it is justifiable due to recent happenings, but for the most part I think that my PAST resentments, fears, etc are making mountains out of molehills. GRRR. I just want to cry.
I am not doing much for myself to day. I have a few days off, so I am doing nothing..cause I don't really feel like doing anything (which is counterintuitive). He is having our bottom floor in our house redone. New stain on the wood floors, new appliances, new furniture. So for today, we are staying in a house up the street (a beach rental) while the floors are redone. I am a creature of habit and I like routine, and it seems like my routine is OFF. NO, it IS off. That is contributing to MY stress.
I'll get off of here ; ). maybe Ill go get a bite to eat and work on decorating a bulletin board for my store. Thanks for listening. Feel free to set me straight.
The BEST piece of advice I was ever given about recovery is that sometimes you have horrible feelings and urges and it's OK to just let them kick and scream for as long as they need to. And then when they are done throwing their tantrum you can politely say "OK, I've heard you, now we are going to do it MY way".
Big hugz. It's OK to feel yuk sometimes.
"Do I accept the good times and try to learn not to care that he doesn't come home? BULL CRAP. That ought to be a deal breaker. It is unacceptable."
That sounds like a boundary, right there, but that's for you to decide.
"But I realize that when I get out of the house and am productive - I feel better."
Then that is what you should do. You absolutely have to take care of yourself and do what is best for your physical and mental well-being. I also agree with Breakingfree - lots and lots about him. Try to refocus on you. What makes you happy? When do you feel best? Take care of #1 (that's you!) first.
And yeah, we all totally slip up and struggle. That's ok to.
I just got in a huge fight with my husband. We are both so caught up with our disease and both looking for the other to help, we just aren't getting anywhere. I realize now that my own "dysfunctions" cause me to get stressed out and prevents me from dealing with things in a positive way. I realize that due to my personality or due to the fact that I lived with an A for so long, I get stressed out by change. I get stressed out when there is a lot to do. For example, I get stressed out if I see an overflowing sink full of dishes, if I don't have room to wash them.
So... my husband went to SAm's and got $200 worth of food. Whole fish, oysters, crabs, 3 kinds of cheese. a box of croissants, 2 baguettes, oxtails, who knows what else. I have no idea who is going to eat it all. I have no idea where we are going to put it or how I can get it prepped to be stored because we are staying in a rental house for 3 days and he just sold our fridge. LOL. SO Its totally my deal that I got frustrated. It is certainly NOT the end of the world, I just created a mountain. On the other hand HE can't eat today cause he is having a colonospy tomorrow. You know how that is - when you shop when you are hungry. And he is stressed out that we are not at home, and was stressed out not having me AT home (cause I had moved out) that he is trying to create a "homey" feeling, and shopping for food did that for him (His words). oh and he is stressed out that he has to have a colonospy! SO you can see how our dysfunctions are colliding.
We each carry guilt, frustration at ourselves, frustration at the other person, codependency, stress from the outside world. and so on and so on. Plus we each want the other to comfort them, but we each lack the capacity for it.
I realize that I contribute to his stress level when I let my stress level get out of hand. and visa versa.
Luckily My husband is a thoughtful and intuitive guy. I just want things for him so badly that I choke him with it.
Hell Susie...I read your post and I start over-reacting. Crazy making!! Sanity....A continuous and orderly process of thought...and then how did I get to that point while my alcoholic/Addict was doing her thing? I had a great group of program family and a sponsor hand picked by God (I believe) and then all the necessary lessons expecially on detachment and turning it over and more. Your insanity it justified...have to find another "normal" way of living your life. Sending asprin and love and ((((hugs))))
