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I do understand the guilt and found that The Steps worked in this as well. The Program asked me to forgive and let go of my anger and resentment . I figured if I did that for others then I could do it for myself.
In working the 8Th Step and I placed myself at the top of the list of those that I had harmed and needed to make amends to. I then proceeded to Step 9 in making amends.
I attended meetings examined my motives realized I was an imperfect person who tried desperately to manage an unmanageable destructive marriage as best I could.
Acceptance was the key here as well . When I accepted what I felt and understood the reasons and was willing to have the pain lifted then the guilt, shame and anger lifted as it did for everyone on my list .
I realized that I am not all powerful and if I had acted differently the outcome would have been the same. I realized I was dealing with a disease over which I was powerless.
I did what I needed to do and I loved my son and that is all HP asked of me.
Thanks for the topic
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 12th of November 2013 07:53:04 AM
What I learned was my guilt caused me to enable my sons drinking. I felt guilty because I divorced his Dad when he was 13 therefore leaving him without a Father. So for many years I pitied him and spoiled him to make up for his loss. What a mistake. A lot of us have made mistakes raising our children, some of us divorced, some of us ignored and did not nurture. Some of us weren't aware of that over interested uncle who was abusing our child, some of us partied too much, and the list goes on and on. But that is in the past and we should not bring that unforgiveness of self into the present. I regret my mistake so much, and the enabling that went with the guilt. What I was saying without saying it was "oh you poor thing how can you live without a father, you'll never make it" I had to forgive myself as I didnt know any better or was not aware of my actions or in denial. Self Forgiveness is so important....I am really not sure how or why I came to that decision(4th step maybe) but it changed everything all the pity, and enabling I had done all those years stopped and everything changed. If you have something to say about Self-Forgiveness, "how to" or results of it....I would love to hear it. There may be others who are battling to forgive themselves for the past. I think one must forgive, forget, learn the lesson and then move on...easier said than done, but it can be done with lots of looking inward........I look forward to your ESH Thanks OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Such a major share OG. So right on. I was reviewing this issue/change subject just yesterday and this morning and reviewed your understanding. Giving myself and others grace for what we did "back then" I use the statement "We did the best we could with what we had then" and then practice acceptance and forgiveness. Thanks for your ESH. ((((hugs))))
I really love this post and as I go back and reread the shares here, I see even more how we beat ourselves up and hold on to guilt that further holds us down. Self forgiveness is so important for so many reasons to unburden ourselves of the hefty weights of out pasts that we can not change, but to also be able to truly live free and unhindered into what is to come and only then can we come into relationship healthy. The steps helped me to see things more clearly and it is just easier to know I did the best I could at the time and there is not a thing I can do to change things of the past, so I embrace now and do the best I can now making the best next step to set myself up for a better now and future! There is nothing my Hp hasnt forgiven me for that I have asked for and it is so very freeing! Gotta put the past behind you before you can move forward, my favorite line from Forest Gump, well and life is like a box of chocolates, so very true, gotta make the best of it and roll with the waves. Sending you all love and support!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 12th of November 2013 12:41:02 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I did the best with what I knew at the time. Now I know better and, hopefully, I will know even better in the future as I'm a work in progress. Like Betty said, the 8th step was one in which I put myself on the list to make amends to and in the 9th step, the amends I take is to stop self-debasing, blaming myself, treating my body like crap, and learn/practice self-care.
Great responses here. Being a parent of 4, divorced when I had two, married an alcoholic and had 2 more, there is lots that will come to mind when I want to beat me up over something. Now, though, when the thoughts come, I wrap myself in this thought "but they always knew I loved them".
My parents divorced when I was a teen and they never apologized or made excuses for what they did or why. My mother says she never had any guilt over her decision to divorce my dad nor does she have any guilt about what other stuff we went through as kids. She said she did the best she could at the time with the knowledge she had. One day she told me that God shouldn't let humans become parents until they're in their 40's because she said becoming a parent at 20 was too young for her, LOL!
She also made it clear that my path was my path and that we all need to make peace with what path God has put us on. It's funny because my mom has a lot of wisdom for someone who is not very religious nor into recovery, etc. So, it's kinda weird that she's my mom because I am guilt ridden constantly, LOL! If I do divorce my AH I will keep your words in mind and remind myself to encourage my son to walk his own path and follow God's direction for himself.
We can never do everything right as parents, it's just not possible. And, even kids who come from solid homes with great loving parents can wind up addicts (I've seen quite a few cases of it here with friends). As my one friend said about her addict daughter who was looking at a gymnastics scholarship at 17, "The best laid plans are God's plans, obviously our plans for her were not in HP's path for our daughter." Her daughter was doing great,but her boyfriend committed suicide, then she tried drugs at a party to help herself cope with the grief, and she wound up an addict. She's now 19, has an arrest record, has spent time in jail, lost her license, lost her job, dropped out of college, and is now trying to get back on her feet after 2 years of serious addiction.
I guess I try to remember that HP is truly in charge here. I am constantly turning people, places, and events over to my HP. And, then I remind myself that I can only control ME.
Very great share OG.
I have 3 very beautiful little girls. Thankfully still little for now. The oldest is 11 and I too realize how much guilt I have carried with me in raising her especially. I have much learning to do and will try to do the best I can one day at a time. My greatest fear is screwing up my kids. I need to learn to let go and give myself a break. It was, and is, not my job to make a man be the father he should be. My job is to be a kind and nurturing mother.
I did bad.... I had an affair and left my husband of 19 years. We got in a heated battle for my son and I let it go and he went with his father. My son recently told me he was asked who he wanted to go with and picked his father. Then after he was scared and hurt we put him through that because he thought I was upset all these years. I also paid more attention to my partner than my son I think. Yeah I paid child support and sent my son money but I only maybe saw him once a year. I didn't fight to see him. I just threw money at them to make me feel better. My son also wanted to go to Emery Riddle University and he came to visit and we went to a visit to the campus. I told him I just couldn't afford it and he was greatly disappointed. To this day I feel I could have done more and given him the support and let him go but I didn't.
When my son moved here from CA to make a better life I went into full enabling mode. I help him get a job and it turned into a career....great job. I purchase him a complete house full of furniture, complete wardrobe, paid for everything to get him started and co-signed on a new car when he was able to afford to make the payments. I continued monthly visits, clean, buy food and pay for anything he might have wanted even though he could have paid for it himself now. I would have given him the moon if he asked. I took care of his every need. I guess I was making up for lost time not having him growing up.
The the day I will never forget. March 6, 2009. The day he got fired. Yes I'm sure he was drinking way before that day but I didn't know.....he kept it very hidden. I do remember the thanksgiving and Christmas in 2008 when he came over and his hands were shaking and I asked what was wrong. He said he had high blood pressure and it will be OK.. Blood pressure Oh what I didn't know. It went down from there. I enabled..meaning paying for everything for him and his girlfriend. Finally the girlfriend left him. It just got worse. I stopped the enabling in November 2012. He had so so many assets he has been able to stay afloat.
My guilt is strong....I'm working on it and have been over the last year but it's something I can't forget. I have told my son many times how sorry I am and I also talked to my X and told him how sorry I am for what I did to him. He has forgiven me. He remarried my best girlfriend and they have a great life. My girlfriend raised my son and she treats him like her son. She loves him dearly.
I'm the bad one here. I'm the one that did wrong. I destroyed this family.
(((Cathy)))
Do not be so hard on you. You did the best that you could with what you knew. REPEAT as many times as you need to. You loved your son. It all happened for a reason and please believe that it was to help you learn and grow. Just as your son needs to find his own way to learn and grow.
Great topic.
I have been trying to forgive myself for rescuing a guy four years ago. I am not that woman anymore and outgrew the pattern a while back.
In my case the guy slandered me and there are a lot of people who just keep condemning me...a lot of my own in AA too. Everyone has heard about it and it has made it extremely difficult to forgive myself because others won't forgive me.
I am beating my body up and am exhausted
So the best thing I can do is try to get enough rest to put a support group around me again and face my fears and start speaking honestly about this in meetings.
I really need help on self-forgiveness.
My father is also immensely hard on me and I look forward to him continuing that so I have an opportunity to reject it and be kind to myself.
There's nothing anyone can do to beat us up if we believe in ourselves; it's just hard getting the courage to get there.
The cigarettes and coffee have to go too.
There may be others who are battling to forgive themselves for the past. I think one must forgive, forget, learn the lesson and then move on...easier said than done, but it can be done with lots of looking inward........I look forward to your ESH Thanks OG
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it is STILL taking me effort to forgive ME for my "so called part--at 13-14 and thru teenaged years" to forgive me for my part
my head tells me i was a very disturbed, already, child from abuse all my life an by the time I was 13-14, i was too messed up to defend me, and when i told mother, she turned on me.....
i was told by my older and FORMER sister that my being a "needy child" caused him to attack me.....yea, at 13- 14 girls who are abused and abandoned by mother Usually are "needY' I was starved for love....they preyed upon my mind so by 13 to 14 , yea, I was easy prey
I am having a tough time forgiving me for "my part" in this tragedy......to forgive adn forget??? IMpossible for this kind of crime....however to release the hate, resentment, ill will, revenge I can and am wiling to do...for ME...NOT him or her, but for ME...
my head knows it, right,but my heart and my memories still hold it against me for being defective enough to have attracted this too me
my former sister's ?? to me "well why didn't you kick him in the B***?????" i shold have asked her why didn't she kick her husband in HIS B*** when HE was abusing HER daughters......
how does a young teen STOP her FATHER??? he was my SIRE....he had all the POWRE....I had NONE......he was my provider and a lousey one, but still my provider.....how does a young teen stop that???? at 13 or 14...i think i had just passed my 14th year when it got real heavy..........
so how do i forgive me??? wish my head was in my heart.....I still feel "less then" still feel "defective, damaged" "tainted"......not as bad, but it is still there.....
to achieve self forgiveness, i just have to work the first 3 steps....i am pwerless, but the divine within is not......asking my HP to help me make my peace w/my shadow side and so i can accept all of me is a start....the self sabateur is active....I am having to be extra careful b/c it seems i am attracing accidents, mishaps, and so have to be EXTRA careful...make it as difficult for the sabateur to be affective.....go slow....easy.....take my time.....be mindful and treat me with loving kindness no matter what, even if i get angry at me and what to hurt me.....be easy on me.....i have had enough pain.....i do not want to be my own worst enemy....so till these old pattens are overcome, i must go slow...easy...in the present...mindful....and do it with kind firmness.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My Parents Split when I was 8 or 9 and My Baby brother was about 3... I had an Older sister as well in her Teens... My Mom however went in to Complete OVERLOAD When it Came to My Baby Brother, because in her Mind a Little "BOY" Needed His Father... To Which she never Noticed... So Did the Little Girls! She went on to Control Every Waking Move of My Brother, Supported him, bought him Cars, Trucks, dirt bikes, anything and Everything she could throw at him she has... While me & my Sis worked 1-3 jobs at a time trying to support ourselves... She Still to this Day does this with him... And Now... He is In his 30's is Raising 3 kids, and hasn't had a Drivers License in almost 15yrs... Due to DUI's I think at last Count he had 4...
I am So Grateful I Found Al-Anon, I have BEGGED My Mother to Go... She will Not! Tho My AFather is Deseased, she did manage after the Divorce to replace him with ANOTHER Alcoholic... Go Figure! and Each one of Us Kids ARE & Have Married or Live with Alcoholics as well... Without this Program, Not only would I STILL be a drunk, but I Would still be trying to control Everyones Life But Mine! I Can't say I was Raised under the Best Circumstances, but I Do know that they could have been Much Worse! I have Forgiving My Mom Years ago for how we were Raised, however she can not Forgive herself, yet and still don't know how to let go of My Abrother, and her Need to "Cater" to him and his Needs! I Only Wish More were Couragous enough to want this Blessing of this Program in their LIves, I know I Feel Blessed everyday for what it has Changed for the Better in me! Was it Hard Work to Get here... Absolutely... But every Tear, every Hurdle, & Every Recovery Moment is So Worth the Miricle that Comes if We are Patient Enough to Move Forward instead of looking back! Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda... No Longer has a Place in My Life... Thanks to this Program and the Love & Support of All here, and My HP...
What an Amazing Place to find, and Help Bring us up out of the Dark Murky Water...
Self-Forgiveness is hard. I have not been able to do this myself. I hope that someday I can forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made that have hurt my family and friends. I have been trying harder to not make the same mistakes, but slips do happen and I have to step back and start over. I think the fact that you were able to tell us all is a step for you and will help your progress.
I see forgiveness as one of the main gifts/tools I have been given through Alanon. I did the same as you but I kept the A father in kids life then felt so guilty for the inadequate family I felt I had provided that I sent that same old message , especially to my eldest son - you poor soul, growing up without a decent father - you are so damaged and I will save you from any mistakes because really I see them as mine. I stole my sons learning from him but like you I have forgiven myself for the majority. Guilt can creep in but it doesn't stick around for long now, whereas it was part of my whole life, every interaction I had with my son oozed with my guilt. Today, I know better and I love that saying ' I did the best with what I knew at the time' This helped me let go of guilt because its true. Most decisions I made as a Mother were made with the best intentions just like any Mother. Another great post OG.x
Just wanted to say that I had a REALLY bad morning today and I've had many awful days trying to figure out if I should speak up for myself in order to forgive myself but then I had a breakthrough today.
I won't go into the details except today that I have let one of the people renting space in my head go.
The 12 steps work. All we have to do is do them and then when we get in enough pain the solution will come to us if we are willing to add God into the equation.
Self-forgiveness came for me when I realized I had never intentionally harmed my children and that much of what had occurred in their lives was beyond my control. In areas I knew I needed to make amends, I did. I also realized that I wasn't benefiting my kids with my guilt and shame - that it caused me to be focused on me and not on them. I also had a spiritual awakening one night when my daughter was in her final year in high school and I was having a hard time recognizing her. As I sobbed alone in my bed one night I prayed about her. I then grew quiet. My HP whispered - "Have you taken a look at all of my children? Do they look perfect? Are they all doing everything in a loving way all the time? If the people you see - My children - are not always loving and not always doing things in a way I'd like to see, what makes you think you'd make a better parent than Me?" That did it. I let go.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 13th of November 2013 09:04:50 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 13th of November 2013 09:09:19 PM
Oh what I didn't know. It went down from there. I enabled..meaning paying for everything for him and his girlfriend. Finally the girlfriend left him. It just got worse. I stopped the enabling in November 2012. He had so so many assets he has been able to stay afloat. 
