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maybe it would help to have him admit to having been a monster?
I KNOW that I could not let my beloved A back into my life without his being willing to admit the horrid things he had done, the reprehensible ways he had behaved.
-- Edited by likemyheart on Monday 11th of November 2013 10:14:59 PM
-- Edited by likemyheart on Monday 11th of November 2013 10:15:53 PM
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am having a hard, hard time with this. I know my husband and I cannot move forward until I trust him again. I know he cannot grow as a person if I keep cutting him off at the knee. He said to me today, 'It's like you want me to be a monster.'
It would almost be easier that way. If he were a monster again, I could leave and put this whole mess behind me. Start fresh. That's hard and horrible to admit. It's easier to run away than to work and keep what you have. Instead, I have to open myself back up and bear myself to him and trust him not to hurt me again.
How the heck am I supposed to do that? After everything, how do I dismantle the walls I've built up around myself?
Trust has to be earned once its been broken. It can't be demanded. It can't be manufactured. I trust when somebody who has broken my trust shows me new behavior for an extended period of time. There are consequences for folks who break our trust in big ways whether we love them or not. Easy does it can be applied to learning to trust again.
I feel more at ease when he is being a monster too. When he's nice and rational, I feel like I am meant to just forget everything he has said and done. How can I do that? Sometimes I push for a fight because it's easier to hate him Maybe if he fell down on his knees and cried and whipped himself to show me how sorry he was?
No, you definitely aren't alone. I don't know how to do it either and I keep those walls around me.
As Betty said, "the answers are in the steps." I, too, struggle with trust especially since my AH isn't doing anything to regain my trust anyway. I am sure it would take me a VERY long time to trust, if ever, again.
Thank you so much for the honesty on this thread. I feel much the same and am finding it difficult.
At the moment I try to treat my relationship AH as if it is starting from scratch only this time I am being more discerning and waiting to see what this new man is like. The problem is that I'm not seeing anything much - we are both hiding from the other. If this was an early date I think I would have given up by now! Sometimes I think that we are standing in each others way and stopping ourselves from finding new loving and trusting relationships. I'm fairly sure it would be easier to talk to a stranger!
I guess I need to find a new way of being in my life and take it from there.
Thank you again, though I'm sorry that you are feeling this way as well - I don't feel so alone now.
When I was in the same situation as you are at the moment I was in the middle of my fourth step , I was so angry and hurt but I also realized that I had a choice in my relationship and for the most part I chose to do nothing , just let it happen and never said enough > when I could take responsibility for what I didn't do forgivness came much easier . In recovery I learned to set boundaries in our relationship , I took responsibility for my own happiness realizing that I couldn't count on anyone to make me happy that was my job. Working this program I began to realize that regardless of what he may do I was going to be okay. trust takes time and I agree it has to be earned , sobriety is hard on everyone we just don't know what to expect , there are no guarantees here that all will be well .I hope you are attending meetings for yourself , there you will find the tools to forgive and take a chance , allowing our selves to be vulnerable is scarry but well worth the effort . when I could forgive myself for what I didn't do I could work on forgiving him . I pay little attention to what people say I watch what they do . In sobriety my husband has made many amends , changed his behavior and continues to grow more healthy . I jumped back into our marriage with both feet so far so good . Louise
You stop focusing on the walls and just build yourself up. You work on yourself and make yourself so confident and at peace with yourself that other's actions cannot throw you like they did before. Your husband "cut down" on his drinking. No program right? And as of a month ago, he was still trying to hide it from you. I would be skeptical too. The only thing to make it better is to continue to work on self so you know you can handle whatever comes your way. The walls won't matter so much then but you still want some of those wall because they represent healthy boundaries.
Wow - this just exploded. Thank you all so much for sharing.
"we are both hiding from each other, we are both standing in each other's way"
YES. Like we're both afraid of each other's monsters - his drinking monster, and my controlling and co-dependent monster.
"take responsibility for what I didn't do, and for my own happiness" "when I could forgive myself for what I didn't do I could work on forgiving him"
also YES. I am looking to him for my own happiness still. I have no idea why I'm expecting him to supply that - it's not something he can give me.
"I would be skeptical too. The only thing to make it better is to continue to work on self"
Thank you for this. I do have to figure out my happiness, find my bliss, do whatever it is I need to take care of myself. One step forward, two backwards sometimes.
I know I cannot change his decisions in life, and I cannot help but view certain actions of his as a weakness. But I don't want to discredit the changes he has made, and I'm afraid that I'm still so wrapped up in the negative and waiting for the monster that I will be blind to his changes and improvements. Regardless of anything, I have to be ok with myself. How can I possibly be ok with him if I'm not with myself, or express my needs and wants when I don't even know what they are?
This is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done.
I know that I will not be able to establish trust with anyone else if I first don't learn to trust me. I am powerless over what anyone else says or does. I believe my HP has brought me here for a reason. I will trust my HP and listen to that small voice. I will try not focus on anyone else's inventory but my own. (why I feel so insecure in this relationship is my problem and only I am able to find the solution in what I can change about it) and the rest is yet to follow.
Awareness not Ignorance. Progress not perfection. Thank goodness we don't have to figure it all out in one day. Thank goodness we have others to share these feelings with who understand. One day at a time. :)
Thanks for sharing SpiderArcana. Hugs and support to you on your journey.
You have choices, always. I know that it can take time to heal from trauma and it can be more biological than mental. You may need time to work through it before you can trust again. Trust cant be forced, it can be faked but not forced.
I agree with the post that talks about trusting yourself, I think its all about us really. If I decide what my boundaries are then defend them then I can start trusting myself to keep me safe and happy. I feel walls are about keeping people out because we are unsure of our own response to abuse or bad behaviour. Walls are fear really. Boundaries are about us and taking care of ourselves regardless of anothers behaviour. Its like instead of waiting for the other person to behave badly we can have a boundary for ourselves about what we will put up with and stick with this, then we can feel calm and safe and trust ourselves.
"If I decide what my boundaries are then defend them then I can start trusting myself to keep me safe and happy. I feel walls are about keeping people out because we are unsure of our own response to abuse or bad behaviour. Walls are fear really. Boundaries are about us and taking care of ourselves regardless of anothers behaviour. Its like instead of waiting for the other person to behave badly we can have a boundary for ourselves about what we will put up with and stick with this, then we can feel calm and safe and trust ourselves"
Maybe if he fell down on his knees and cried and whipped himself to show me how sorry he was?