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I don't know how well I would manage under those circumstances really. I would find it hard to see pictures of him out having fun...but, I really think I would unfriend him on facebook so that I didn't have to be confronted with it or be tempted to look? And he could easily change his settings so that people can't post pictures of him on his wall so I have to wonder how much he really hates it. Or unfriend the person who is posting the pictures, if it isn't his own facebook that they are appearing on?
You can't suddenly become super human or turn off your feelings. One day at a time and all that And also, you aren't responsible for making him "hit bottom". He'll do whatever he does...and he might do it more if he sees that it is making u jealous...maybe?
(((mongowal)))
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Monday 11th of November 2013 02:17:09 PM
AHB who left me six weeks ago, come to my room Saturday, leaves and comes back several times. We have a pretty good conversation - he asks what I did the previous night and I ask him what he did. He of course went to the bar, claims he stayed sober. Not my business right. For the first time in these last six weeks he is actually able to look me in the eye and not hang his head. So I tell him he looks better and not as sad as he has been. He goes out of town to visit his son but tells me he will be back to town that night. I called him later that night - 1st mistake - when he answers the phone I normally say "Hey Whatya doing" (got to stop doing that) because his answer is "I'm out at the bar with so and so" - don't need to know that. I ask him a couple questions related to a friend and end the conversation on a good note. About a half hour later, I go on Facebook and low and behold there are pictures of him being posted at the bar. Understand that AHB HATES Facebook and especially hates any pictures of him being posted on Facebook. 2nd Mistake - I call him back and inform him he is blowing up Facebook with pictures. I tell him that I'm hurt as I really don't want to see him out at the bar. At first he is angry with me than he is really angry at the fact that once again someone is invading his privacy and posting pictures of him on Facebook. We end the conversation and he goes back to the bar and I become sad and self defeating wondering why I'm not good enough for him. Sunday morning arrives and AHB had promised he was going to come to the house to do some work that needed to be done (he has been making this promise since July) - I no expectations that he will show to do the work he said he was going to do. He doesn't show as he is either hung over from previous night or he is avoiding me once again out of guilt. Unfortunately, the two of us are attending a banquet for my daughter Sunday night and we have to see each other. He keeps his distance from me the whole day. I show up to the banquet to help set up and an acquaintance asks if AHB is coming I say yes, she then proceeds to tell me she is sorry to hear of our split. I'm humiliated and embarrassed. Then my daughter's soccer coach comes up to me and informs me that she saw AHB out previous night and if he stayed for the long haul as she went home early (she doesn't know he left me) - I give some neutral answer. I'm now angry, humiliated, embarrassed and full of spite. AHB shows up to banquet - I said I hear you had a great time last night to which he replies with a snide comment. We spent the whole dinner ignoring each other and when dinner is over we go our separate ways without saying a word to each other. I couldn't just let that go 3rd Mistake - I lose all the Alanon tools I have learned and I call him when I get home and ask him what he did the previous night. I inform him that it hurt me. We argue and blame each other for numerous things. Then comes the whopper - my performing my will and not HP's. For the past six weeks my AHB has complained how he is severely depressed an needs to go to counseling. Each week he comes up with an excuse as to why he can't make that first step to call a counselor. So in my great wisdom in our argument I bring up the fact that the two of us are stuck and the whole reason he left was because he need to work on himself. I said in a very condescending tone - "It's been six weeks, tell me one time where you have worked on yourself". I tell him his moods are all over the place and it affects me mentally. I tell him he keeps telling me he is sooooo depressed yet he doesn't do anything about it. I say we can't move forward because HE will not move forward. He does say he does need to talk to someone to get things off his chest and now that work has slowed down that maybe he can do that. There is always an excuse. We end the conversation with him telling me that he is no longer going to go to the bars because he can't keep his privacy (people posting pictures of him on Facebook). We will see how long that lasts. What have I done - have I kept him from hitting his bottom - Have I inserted my will over his HP's or my HP's for that matter. Yes I want him to go to a counselor - but did I just force the issue. Have a lot on my mind today and feel like I have made every mistake possible last night.
What's good about this program is you can start again. It's progress not perfection. What I see is that you have recognized what you have done so that's a good thing in my book. Let's start the week anew and take a couple of tools and apply them where needed. Next time you WILL find you will use a little more of my signature below.
(((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Melly - He isn't on Facebook - he absolutely hates Facebook - it is other people who are posting the pictures and he has no idea they are being put on Facebook until I tell him they are out there. He has gone years without a single person posting a picture of him on Facebook, in the last three weeks it has happened twice and he is furious about it. Thank you for the kind words and the reminder that I am only human. I'm a perfectionist like many us in the program I assume and have to learn that I make mistakes.
Cathy - Thank you so much. The signature brought tears to my eyes as it is so true. I'm going to step back, learn from this and move forward with a new outlook on how to better handle myself.
I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. We need Alanon because we have been affected by alcoholism so the main thing is that you are willing to work on your own recovery. Slips are inevitable in my experience. I mean we cant always get it right. I think your post shows awareness of your feelings and behaviour and that is half the battle. You are no longer blindly falling into the same traps, you are evaluating your part and are willing to work on doing better. I really think thats about the best we can do. Take it one day at a time and forgive ourselves our shortcomings.x
Sounds like it's between him and those people posting pictures of him. You can hide their feeds too. It sounds as if you became very tangled up in the whole thing -- I know how bad that feels. So, so hard to disengage. But if getting tangled up in it meant we could change anything, everything would be changed already!
It you guys split, what's the use of paying such close attention to what he is or is not doing? What are YOU doing? Live your life and make yourself happy. If he goes to bars - does or does not go to a therapist...not your problem. The thing with being with an addict/alcoholic is that we lose ourselves in the process. Even after a break up, the tendency is still to be a "fixer" so as to avoid focusing on the more anxiety provoking thoughts of "what am I going to do with my life now?" and "Why do I act like I do?"
Monowgal - you are not alone, but this is a pretty typical pattern that leads people to alanon. We love you and it's okay - but just start working on you and taking care of you.
And also, you aren't responsible for making him "hit bottom". He'll do whatever he does...and he might do it more if he sees that it is making u jealous...maybe?