The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Meetings, Alanon conversations and working the Steps, with a sponsor are all designed to help us let go of all the negative habits we developed as a result of living with this dreadful disease. Guilt, shame, anger, resentment self pity and fear are all negative reactions to this disease.
Your children have also been affected as a result of being the "Children of an Alcoholic". They could also benefit from attending alanon, alateen or ACOA meetings
. Practicing the programs as outlined will help you all replace the negative emotions with constructive life affirming actions to rebuild your self esteem and confidence
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 11th of November 2013 11:48:39 AM
My husband who was an alcoholic passed away and I went to a few meetings at Al-anon. It sure opened my eyes to how we survive by becoming an enabler. I admit being an enabler is part of me and I want to change. At work I have made changes to stop this behavior but at home I am having a more harder time. I finally found a therapist who is helping me with this. I have two teenagers that don't help around the house and expect me to pay for everything etc. I am now giving consequences to my children when they don't do their chores and wow the guilt trip they are putting on me is horrible or maybe it is all in my head hard to say. My anxiety level is through the roof!! How do you overcome this?
Well for me, I just kept going back to meetings. The guilt is conditioned into us when we are quite young, it can be a very hard habit to break. I say it's great that you are aware of it. If it were me I would just be conscious of it, try not to set any boundaries or consequences you can't enforce. Slow change in yourself works best here, be gentle with yourself and your feelings, practice saying no. It's different when it's your family, because the family dynamics have been that way or a long time. One day at a time, change, awareness, acceptance,action. Hugs and blessings;) I know this is tough
__________________
I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
When you start to make any kind of changes, the other people give a "CHANGE BACK!" response. That's not a sign that the changes are unhealthy or wrong. Your children have learned to live life a certain way (with you enabling), and I'd guess from your A they learned that the way to get something they want (their old ways back), the technique is not to talk about it straightforwardly, but to manipulate and guilt the person into behaving the way they want. It would be a blessing to them to show them that it doesn't work like that any more. But of course the most important blessing is to you, to be a person with appropriate boundaries and healthy actions. Meetings sure do help a lot. I hope you keep on taking good care of yourself.
You have been affected by alcoholism and maybe you need to take up your recovery again. Reconnect with your own inner self, get that self confidence back and soon you will communicate your own needs in a calm, clear way. Thats what happened to me anyway, I can state my needs with my son in a way he responds to. Its a matter of being courteous and calm. It truly is a miracle how much it works. Its all about boundaries in my experience but I needed a bit of my program under my belt before I could get it right and even now I am not that great at it but the little changes I have made have changed my life. I have claimed much of my power back these days and I am unwilling to give up my power now. Guilt is a heavy useless unnecessary burden that will only trick you into being a slave and a martyr. Neither of which are comfortable. Good luck, keep coming back and share your progress.x
I say "I hope you make good choices so you can feel good about yourself, because I love you so much I want to see you have a good life".
When I 'hope' for something - I am not affected emotionally if it doesn't go the way I want.
When I 'expect' something - I am devastated emotionally when it doesn't go the way I want.
Wording is important in our house and for me. I release shame, release devastation, release others from my control and ultimately in doing this I am treating myself more lovingly. Byproduct of treating others with dignity and respect as it works full circle.
When I chose good wording - I am making a good choice for me, because I too want to have a good life and I know a God of my understanding loves me so much 'he,she,it' is hoping that for me too.
You are so right Karma, my guilt has been with me for a very long time.
Hotrod, I got through the anger problem. That took a lot of work, but letting that all go sure made me feel a lot better. Might be still some shame, I don't go broadcast to everyone my husband was an alcoholic. That's a hard one.
Cathy I am buying that book!!
Last night I had a calm conversation with the kids regarding enabling. I honestly didn't think they were listening. When I got home from work and I asked them to do something they actually did it, without complaining. Hopefully this keeps up.
I think my children would benefit going to alateen but right now they aren't ready to openly talk about their father that way. The therapist has talked to them about the disease and they understand it better.
Now off to have some "me time". Thanks everyone, I will be going to a meeting tomorrow night.
I Do Hope that Your Meeting Gives you Comfort and allows you to see you are NOT Alone by No Means... And Boy Being here You have come to right Place... :)
I Came to Al-anon 5 short years ago, and it has Changed My Life... I Lost My Afather to this Disease just Weeks before I Got here... Also Very Sorry for your Loss... But Very Glad your Here...
I Really Struggled Setting Boundry's and Making Changes, but I Also Learned that I didn't have to Argue with my Teen to get him to do something, I just needed to Learn to Talk More & B&tch Less! Put things that are keeping me Busy at Bay for a bit and give him Eye to Eye Contact and Talk... Tell him what I NEED help with and what I Expect of him for his Age, and I am not going to say that Everyday he does as he should or could, but I Will say it has brought Us Closer together because We both Learned to "Speak" to one another with out me being over him bark orders... And in the Mean time it has Built his Self esteem in Me Complementing him on a Job well Done!
Teens are Tough, but after Lossing a Parent, I'm sure there are tons of things on their Minds as is yours, for me it was about Slowing down my "Hurry up and get it done mode" and Realizing That I Can't get all things done in day, and its Ok to ask for help when i Need it... And if you are anything like me, in dealing with my A's... You have been doing it ALL For a long time!
So Glad your Here... Welcome to Our Family... And Know this is a Very Soft Place to Land! When Times get hard.. Come here, Read the Inspiration that is Bred here thru Recovery... You are Worth More "Me Time" then you Know... And the More time you take for it, the Easier the tough stuff will be to deal with...
There are Face to Face meeting in your Town, There are Meetings here on this Board a Couple times a day! This Board alone is a true Blessing... I do Understand that your Kids May not be ready for a Program like this, however... Letting them know its Available to Them If they Feel they Need it.. Maybe a Blessing as well... :)
Please take what you like & leave the Rest!
Here in Support...
Friends in Recovery... One Day at a Time
Jozie
