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Thank-you lovely people, for sitting with me through my misery attack the other night
I really, really do go loopy when daughter is away and it's just the silence and the mess and the awful reality!! I can't hide from it when she isn't here or pretend to be the "in control one" when he's locked in a room and there's no-one to impress....wow. The things you realise about yourself!
I did end up packing a bag and going to my mums (and he was really hurt and upset????); we had a Downton Abbey marathon. Far more satisfying than sitting here alone going crazy. Had a very happy night amongst people who like me
And oh, did my heart sink when I got home. No point pretending otherwise I guess. It's no good here, like this, with him. It brings out the absolute worst in me and makes me think that miserable hopeless person is just who I am and all I will ever be. NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!
U know what's crazy? I've never had many female friends. I hung out with boys at school, and then boyfriends, husband, their friends, always just boys. I always felt intimidated by the girls and I have no idea why. In fact even when I first started to look for some help and understanding about living with an addict, it was addicts (males) that I felt comfortable talking to on another site, and when one guy suggested I would really benefit from talking to other women and that I should try alanon (he was also a recovering A) my actual words to him were "oh, other women won't like me and I'll feel worse". Wow. I really did believe that.
What have I been missing all these years?!!
*Not to discount the warm and caring support of the males here of course! It's just weird that I always believed that other women wouldn't like me if they knew me, yet I've shared more about myself here than anywhere else in my life and here I am feeling more understood than I ever have before.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Monday 11th of November 2013 10:48:41 AM
This forum is great for venting. Im glad your weekend went better than expected. Reality can be harsh but alanon has got me wanting more. I spent too long in the dark. Have you read the merrygoround called denial? It helped me see the part I play. We do play a part and we can be addicted to the drama and the misery I know I was. It was hard to break and I think I'm still not over that addiction. Take what you like.
Glad you had a nice time at your mum's, Melly. And, I'm so glad that you realize that you are NOT that miserable person as you thought you were. Life is about living and you're starting to realize that. Hugs and support to you!!!
And oh, did my heart sink when I got home. No point pretending otherwise I guess. It's no good here, like this, with him. It brings out the absolute worst in me and makes me think that miserable hopeless person is just who I am and all I will ever be. NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!
((((EVERYONE))))
Dear Melly
What a great and powerful awareness!!!! I have found and see in your experience how really important it is to take care of ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically. In doing that the "Rose Colored Glasses" came off and you were able to obtain a different viewpoint on your day to day reality.
Good Work
You are an intelligent, beautiful talented writer who can and will find a new way with the help of HP and this program
Little by little - with the sheltering care and warmth of others - we begin to see what is hard to see and we also see what is beautiful to see. You are a MIP, Melly, and I thoroughly delight in your blossoming and in your continued validation of yourself.
I can identify I too had difficulty with female friends in school and in my 20s. I felt that it was all about competition and one up man ship.
I Love alanon and the fellowship of equals. How powerful it is to interact with those who truly understand and who do not give advise but offer suggestions and supportive tools to live by
That gentleman from AA did you and MIP a great service.
Your experience was my experience, Melly. I judged other females and other females judged me, too, creating an unsafe place for our collective femaleness. Really it was me I was judging for my femaleness, as it was deemed to be a source of shame, not only my shame I carried, but the shame of those that came before me. Recovery has brought out my deep appreciation for me, hence, appreciation and love for others. "Let it begin with me".
There's a little something special with all of us Male or Female We learn not to judge others. When we take our own inventory we find we are not all sweet, kind, understanding, never have done the things other have done kind. When the closet is cleaned out and on the right path and know our wrong doings no matter what it was we can become kind, sweet and understand what others are going through.
Male or Female....we are a fellowship helping one other to live a better life overall. Not just because of the A but for our own well being.
It's a Miracle in Progress my friend
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
lol U know, my one and only "real life" female friend told me, when I disclosed that I was going to alanon that she thinks it's fantastic and she congratulated me. But she also said that when she was young, her mum made HER go to alanon with her and she hated it and couldn't understand why SHE had to go when she wasn't the one with an alcoholic boyfriend. But she's such a strong, grounded independant woman who does brilliantly as a single mum and I have to wonder if maybe watching her mum take charge of her own happiness by going to meetings played a role in that? Interesting.
And of course I don't think there is any more value in male or female companionship, just that I was really afraid of other women before and I missed out on a lot because of it.
well i am the weird one, then, LOL b/c i did great with females and males....as friends.....and that says a lot about my being willing NOT to judge males over one horrible monster
i had a lot of male and female friends growing up....after running away for good, and on and on.......i do great w/both b/c i look at the spirit, not the gender of the person......
yea, i am physically attracted to the op. sex, but a friendship??? i get on with them both....as we speak here where i live an currently, most of my pals are male....b/c my female g.f. died from cancer and my little neighbor accross the ally moved to different town, but it matters not the sex when deciding to embrace or not embrace one as a FRIEND
i have my g.f. accross the street, but its hard gettng her to go out w/me and hang out and do stuff...she is real quiet and a home body, worse then me, even, lol, but when i was at the public pool i had my little male flirtations and friendship and i was pals w/all the staff (mostly female) and i would sit in their office w/them and shoot the breeze, assist in the rescue exercises with them and i had a blast....
JUST my offering this morning....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
And oh, did my heart sink when I got home. No point pretending otherwise I guess. It's no good here, like this, with him. It brings out the absolute worst in me and makes me think that miserable hopeless person is just who I am and all I will ever be. NOT TRUE!!!!!!!! ((((EVERYONE))))
*************
well if this ISN"T your HP telling you something, i don't know what is....but it means nothing, harvests nothing if we do not listen......i think your HP has shown you the facts....and he/she has placed the ball in your court to respond (take care of you) or to stay in same ole same ole rounds of misery.......U R a sharp lady...I am sure U see this....sometimes it takes our community to help us steer the vessel in the storm we are caught up in
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I know what you mean with this one. Other women were scary to me when I was living with my ex A. I was ashamed with the way I was living and didn't want anyone in. Other women, to me, would see right through my denial or so I thought. I also compared myself to other women and that made me uncomfortable especially if they seemed to have it together. Its great to go to my meetings and let go of this in the company of women who not only accept me and my experiences but actually relate to it and are living better lives thanks to this program.x
You got that one right Mark....in my twenties my best friend was a gay guy and we did everything together. He was in the movie business and we would go to premieres and out to dinner and parties afterwards......what a great time it was back then. We were the best of buddies.
LOL.... snaps in Z formation.....loving it!!!
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You got that one right Mark....in my twenties my best friend was a gay guy and we did everything together. He was in the movie business and we would go to premieres and out to dinner and parties afterwards......what a great time it was back then. We were the best of buddies.
LOL.... snaps in Z formation.....loving it!!!
omg...Cathy, I worked w/a gay guy who got hired a few months after me, and we "hit it off" like best buds from the git go....i met his X when he had custody of his son, (when he went *open* about his preference, he told his wife and they split, quite amicably, I must say which showed what good character she had to not slam his visitations with their son and she remained friends w/him.) and we "hung out" had a ball together...then he found a partner, male, who was a sweetheart and had a sense of humour that would not quit....i remember when they bought their condo together.....we had a BIG home opening party, all kinds of folks.....i loved "J" like a brother....we had a lot of fun....I still think of him from time to time, i kinda let stuff go and lost contact w/him.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
