The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Interesting to feel guilt and a tinge of shame and then let them go...some. I purposely went for it...the feelings of guilt and shame. I knew they were here and went for it anyway. I was being gifted or rewarded for doing a service...finding some lost assets of another person and making sure they got back to him. When he and others including his wife notified me that there would be a reward I initially refused and said "that's okay...its not necessary...no big thing" and this is the response I was taught as a youngster and enabler in my family. The elders said "give with no thought of a reward" and I did and the person who got his relocated equipment back called and told me his wife and he would come up with a reward and then I let it go. Nothing happened for a week and then I get a call yesterday and they will make it happen and the guilt and shame and I went thru with it anyway and it was a first. This was the first time I accepted a reward that I can ever think of and I told them that and smiled as they smiled thru it. Obviously I was receiving a gift and obviously they chose it and could afford it and then I brought it home. Soooo HPish, two gas gift cards that I have no idea what are worth and still when my truck needs fuel. Gas is at $4.00 a gallon again...obscene but for the grace of giving oh...and receiving. Funny the old voice is still trying to tell me it was wrong for receiving...That's not true is it?
Listening.
Mahalo and Aloha ahead of time.
((((hugs))))..
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 10th of November 2013 04:10:51 PM
You didn't give with a thought of reward. You gave because you saw it to be the right thing to do. Now, they get to give because they think it is the right thing to do. Giving and receiving are both love in action - unless there's a hook in it somewhere. Seems to me you were all reflecting back to one another the truth of what was being exchanged among you. Humbly receiving is the same thing as humbly giving to me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 10th of November 2013 07:47:55 PM
They gave you the gift of a reward, your acceptance of the gift lets them express their gratitude for something you did. If you want to give the reward away, you can, its yours to do with but you shouldn't rob them of expressing their gratitude for your kindness. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is let them give something to you.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I have a Dear Sweet Program Friend that is Blind, and Always Ask for Rides to meetings from Differant Members, and she ALWAYS Over Pays what it would cost to take her... ME Being "Like You" was Raised to believe you just dont Take it! And you Sure as Heck don't take it from the Elderly EVER!!! Let me add she has been in Program for close to 30yrs now! So I Explained to her One day that I was Raised where if You Could Help Someone You Did, and there was Never to be a Reward for helping someone! She Told Me that because of Her disability's She HAS TOO Depend on others if she still wants to Work her Program in the Rooms, and this is the ONE thing that she can do to Show Gratidude! She Can't go Out and Shop for People, and pick out cards, and what not, so To Her, this is Her Gift... Of Having you in her Life! She is Dear to Me, as Are You! and HP Knows what we Need & When, and I Believe He has again Proved it In your Gift :) Its Hard for Me as Well... I too Carry the Guilt, and Shame... But She has Taught me that in her Paying Me $10 for a Short Trip across town, It Brings her "True Joy" to know She is Doing Her Part & Paying Her Way with Sincere Graditude, and THAT Makes Sense to Me!
Release the Shame Brother... You Are So Worth it :0)
Love & Prayers always... Thanks for your Share & Continued Honesty...
I was brought up being taught "it is better to give than to receive" and do identify with your struggle, Jerry. It has been only recently that my awareness has opened up and I've realized that my resistance in accepting help from anyone..those who wanted to return the favor...has robbed them of the positive healthy feelings involved in an exchange. It's not all about me, ya know...Kudos to you! Hope you will have other opportunities to practice the art of acceptance and exchange.
I also get a lot from helping others. My daughter asked once, Mom, why do you give all the time? and my honest answer was that it made me feel good to give. It wasn't unselfish giving, because it made me feel good to make someone else feel good.
I have a friend like Jozie's - she's got COPD, limited income, limited on what she can do but always wanting to give back to me what I've given to her - so I look for ways she can. If I need a ride into town, I ask her, because she needs to give and has so little she CAN give that if she can be the one to give me a ride then I let her. I was in a thrift store a while back and the elder who was volunteering putting away stuff insisted I buy some vase, I politely tried to get out of it by saying I didn't have any money on me and she gives me a dollar to buy the stupid vase! So I bought the vase, with her money, because I figured it made HER feel good to give this to me. Sometimes, receiving with grace is the best gift we can give!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Wrong ?? I don't think so , amazing isn't it how we always go the extra mile to help others but when someone wants to give us something we feel guilty ? I grew up with a father who from day one who"s motto for living was* Something for nothing once a day .* meaning he expected us, his kids to do something for someone once a day and take nothing in return , rake leaves for a neighbour etc most of the time I resented him for that and as an adult I quickly forgot it ,thanks to Al-Anon I am able to once more do that , call a newcomer , meet someone for coffee , share my own experiences in this program and offer hope to those who are living in despair as I once did reminding them that This too shall pass . So enjoy your gift and you do deserve it . Louise
((Jerry)) I have learned that it is as important to be a gracious recipient as it is to be a gracious giver. One time, someone who was less fortunate than I wanted to give me a very small gift. I felt conflicted but accepted the gift, having decided that the person deserved the dignity of being able to give and of my acceptance. Afterwards, I looked for opportunities to pay it forward...
I needed to read and listen to the feedback as it was and is verification of that "other self"; the one I came face to face with in Al-Anon. Most of my early teachers were black or white people, either or and didn't have your ESH and voices. This actually was a first for me and I'm more okay with it now; being a part of the give and take in life actually is normal. I believe that the early teachers were trying to suggest or express that the "intention of giving" for the purpose of a reward is actually not the thing to do. Still growing and still loving it. Mahalo MIP family. (((((Hugs)))))
Especially Jerry F is still learning...Thank God I still can...sometimes it's exciting to still learn. Haven't bumped into a single tree in the middle of an open field for a long time. LOL
TT
