The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Invited the AH over to watch a movie tonight. No big deal. We have been friendly and gone to church a few times with the kids during his 4 months of sobriety. We have had a nice time and he has fixed dinner for everyone but I haven't accepted his offers of going out. I can pretty much take him or leave him so he is the one that has been doing all of the work to make this happen. Today, I had a moment of feeling warmly about him and have been pretty lonely so I thought it might be nice to spend some time together. Well, he gets here with a few things he has whipped up for snacks. They were good - good thing because that's the only thing that I can find to say that's positive about this whole ridiculous episode. We watched about 15 minutes of a movie and I look over and he has fallen asleep. Good times! After about 10 minutes of sitting there freezing because he was hot and turned on the fan, watching a movie that didn't really float my boat in the first place and being uncomfortable because he is leaned up against me, I woke him up, turned off the TV and told him to go home. Wrapped up his goodies in the bag he brought them in, unlocked the door, turned on the light and made sure the door didn't hit him in the a** on the way out. For pete's sake, we have been separated for over a year. I was prepared to have to fend him off thinking he would be filled with desire after being without me for so long and he couldn't even stay awake. Haha!! As the song says, " I Shaved My Legs for This?"
So, as an alcoholic he is a hateful, jealous, controlling loudmouth who can't hold a job and is sickly and as a sober man, he is a boring dud. Yeah, this is how i want to spend the rest of my life. Ugh!!
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
It sounds like your night with him was more than disappointing for you? From the sounds of your post - you tried and he tried. It just didn't work tonight.
well maybe this is HP reminding you why you two are not together.......i would take it as a sign that i was right in separating myself from one who is just not cool to even "hang out" with ....
When I left AH#1 , he tried to court me back....i lived near enough to him for him to try, but when i am done i am done....i may be slow at times, throwing in the towel, but when that towel is tossed that is IT....he tried for a while, but I just stood my ground and said "NO"....
usually if it doesn't work the first time, it is not going to work the 2nd time.....Just my opinion....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
There's a song called 'Did I shave My legs for This'???? Fantastic (just listened to it). I can't tell you how many times that thought has crossed my mind!!
I'm sorry your evening did not work out - sounds like you both tried in your own way. I really struggle to drop my expectations when I'm try to reach out. Onwards and upwards.
WOMFI - LOL - that was funny. Not to defend the hubby because early sobriety can't explain bad movie choices but in my first 2 years or so sober, I would fall asleep every time I sat down and couldn't make it through any movie.
Its sad that it never worked out the way you wanted it too. I've often thought that if I did get back with my ex he would be so grateful he would treat me like a queen but it wouldn't last and it's not the basis of a healthy relationship. I think working on my own recovery means I am aware of my motives and I know that if we got back together my progress would be challenged. I would fall into watching him counting up the mistakes blaming him etc. Expectations lead to disappointment and it's only us who can work on that.
After our last split but before our divorce, I invited my ex to come spend the night, go to the big city, shop, play, etc. I am sure that HE had a lot of expectations that did not get fulfilled because I was no longer the go along to get along girl. While shopping I wandered off alone - of course he whined that I wouldn't stay by his side, I shrugged, I wasn't there to stay glued to his side and only look at what he looked at. It was a platonic evening, peaceful because I refused to take any bait, but any romantic stuff was off the table in my book and I didn't shave a thing for him. There was a silent distance between us because there were so many things that couldn't be said without risking an argument and I wasn't going to argue. It was sad because I used to love talking with him, laying my head on his shoulder and just chatting about stuff, but when every topic you choose gets tainted by past negative responses, you stop having anything you want to talk about because you don't want to set anything off. Another time we tried tripping to a nearby casino for lunch and a bit of fun gambling, the gambling was fun, except he complained I didn't stay watching him the whole time. the lunch was pleasant enough, but the same conversational distance between us during lunch, it was good to have the slot machines to take the pressure off having to talk to each other. I am sure he complained to his buddies that he'd had the worst time ever!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
WOMFI: I'm glad you're feeling better tonight. Since you are, I have a teeny request for clarity, please: (Deep breath) Did you really shave your legs for movie night or not?
Oh wow, yep couldn't help laughing at that either.
Sounds like every time A says he wants to spend time together- suddenly he is just too tired to keep his eyes open, and usually after making the room uncomfortably cold, a show playing that I didn't want to watch in the first place and yep- leaning on me even though he already has 3/4 of the couch to himself and I am squished in a corner hugging my knees....and afterwards he wonders why I didn't keep watching after he fell asleep? It's like he's a lazy parent and he's hoping the TV will babysit me while he sleeps....LOL
Sorry u shaved your legs for nothing
Oh well, I guess it wasn't for nothing. Sounds like some of us have had a good laugh over it, I learned about expectations and milkwood found a new song for her playlist. Al Anon - the learning never stops. :D
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Now that was a laugh I needed! Loved it, sister! You shaved them so that you could tell him no in smooth skinned legs.