The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In answer to your question - "Where does it go from here?" If he's chooses, he calls his sponsor and he goes back to meetings. If he doesn't choose that, what are you going to do, Gaby? We can go back to enabling or we can call our sponsor, return to meetings and say no to enabling. My own experience with my son's disease has been that any excuse will do to return to using. He knows where he can get help if he really wants it. Your son does, too. We aren't the help they need. Not helping is the best help we can give them. I agree with your sponsor: His relapse. His problem doesn't need to become yours, too. And this slip can become an opportunity to take his recovery work even more seriously. But, he won't take it seriously if you try to give him a soft place to fall on you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 9th of November 2013 10:29:05 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 9th of November 2013 10:59:19 PM
I'm so numb right now.. My son was doing so well.. N it happened my worst nightmare.. My son went to chair a meeting yesterday and something happened where he came home and after 5 months and 28 days clean. He relapsed ;( his roommate called me saying that my son is very sick and he has been in the bathroom for over an hour.. I read the text and I already knew. He roommate was at work. I came to his house broke in and went to the rest room and I was unable to open the door because he was layed on the floor against the door. I final pushed it hard enough to move him and there it all was. I immediately called my husband to come down and called my Sponser. Well from that time to now, my son said he had a relapse because he did not want to feel the pain that his baby's mom put him through last night. Well I am at a lost and hurt. My son came around became coherent and he said he regrets what he did. Fear has now set in. He is sleeping I'm staying the night but as my Sponser tells me this is his relapse and his problem. I understand that but I could have found my son dead. I would not have been able to live with myself!! Where does it go from here?? And again he was doing so good. I feel like I have lost faith ;( some one please help me understand. Why would he have relapsed and not used his tools that he learned? Is this a bump on the road and is it possible to still move forward to sobriety? I know this can be controlled my me, but I fear the "what ifs"..
Why would the disease cause your son to relapse instead of use the tools he has learned? The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It will use any excuse - especially widely acceptable ones to continue to rip your sons life = and subsequently yours to shreds. Without help from a HP and seeking spiritual solutions daily - it is too much for us. Allowing the disease to see there are no excuses, and that no one will allow it to live in him no matter what it looks like on the outside or feels like on the inside is the only loving solution. The more help we give our loved ones who seem like they are possibly in control - hence so are we - the more damage we cause the poor body that is so riddled with disease, because we are just giving it one more chance. One more acceptable excuse. One more dollar... and ultimately... one more day to live in that poor sweet boy who is still your son. For some - there needs to be nothing for that disease to grab onto at all. Not a single person, not a single reason, not a single glimmer of hope that it will ever be okay to do it one more time: If?
No if's and's or buts.
When alcohol is not a choice - only then does it becomes a choice. Until then - we suffer a slow painful death right along with them if we can not find the strength and the courage to change what we can: Ourselves.
Please keep coming back and sharing. XXXX It hurts so bad and that's real. Let it out. You're never alone.
I'm so sorry Gaby but it is what it is. My son didn't get to 5 months, he relapsed after 4 days. We will never truly understand why they continue to drink but if they don't learn to live life on life's terms then life is going to be short for them. I have learned, to enable my son and try and keep him from killing himself, caring for his every need and loving him so much he is never going to grow and try and overcome this disease. It's sad I spend so many years thinking I was helping him when I was just hurting him.
I might lose my son, I know this but I will lose him anyways if I help him drink with comfort. Not give him the chance to feel the true pain of choices no matter how bad it might get. I might/will have a tough few months ahead of me but I have been in worse pain for the past 5 year.
My son is going to drink or he's not...what am I going to do is the question.
You and your son are in my prayers....((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am so very sorrry Remember to take care of yourself. Do not get to hungry, angry lonely or tired.
When I turned my will and life over to HP, in Step 3, my sponsor made sure that I understood that no matter what HP would give me the courage, serenity and wisdom to live life on life's term not on my expectations .
Aloha Gaby and if you can read your post from here you could identify two relapses, both almost for the same reason. He did because she and you did because he. I understand the fear and the pain as justifications up until I get to the lesson where I don't give away my life and my happiness and serenity for someone elses behavior. I empathize. I know the process of focusing so much faith and so much affirmation on the behaviors of my alcoholic/addict...I know and then I learned I am and was not ever responsible for her drinking and using regardless of her justification to do so. When and where did I get to the position where I could claim something to be so bad that now I had the reason to make it worse for me. My sponsor gave me a thought for after I would do that which was, "There....I got myself good that time"!! If (and now that's moot) he had died he would have been the perpetrator of if for whatever justification anyone could bring up and then when you listen to deeply committed recovering alcoholics and addicts speak about the possibility of relapse they all say in unity...There is no justification toward going back out. Your son was not that committed and I pray he gets there because the life we get to rebuild and live is so much more and better than a use or drink anyday and still we have to reach that point of inner truth and commitment. The disease does and didn't respect your desires, beliefs, wants, maternal nature, anything...It blew past you both and that is beyond sad...it is maddening and now both are relapsed; cunning, powerful and baffling.
Two men in my life and family, my eldest son and nephew have relapsed and it has taken their families with it...for today ashes as alcoholism has burnt down the life. A close friend with 3 years and 4 months; back out and his mother is a member of our program and has much support. I believe that should he not find the doors of recovery again very soon this relapse might be as fatal as his father's and then what do I know of God's plans and so that is where I leave it...in HP's palms. It is fortune at that you were able to force the door open so that others with higher skills could enter. That is what I learned to do in learing to "turn her over".
You ask the question "why would he use when this is just a bump in the road" and the answer from my experiences is that until he comes to the understanding that there is no justification to do it he is leaning toward doing it. That is the disease that is the insanity of it...it isn't rational; it is irrational and the last word of the second step is sanity and it takes coming to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could lead us to it. Alone we cannot....ever. The disease is described as, "A compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body". He tried and failed again and he gets to make a choice again as Tasha and Grateful relate...come back in...go back out both have consequences for him and for you. You get to make your own choices.
You are love and supported here and so is your son and we are powerless still. (((((hugs)))))
Kind of makes me believe that his sponsor is knowledgeable after all (even if the boundaries were off). It was not a 1 momentary thing if it was noticed prior by his sponsor. He started sliding when he stopped putting sobriety and NA as his top priority. It's sad that he should have to put it above his girlfriend, child, and even his mother, but truthfully, he won't have any of those relationship if not sober. Anyhow, Gaby - that is why he used. He slipped from his program. SLIP = Sobriety Loses Its Priority.
As far as you not being able to live with yourself if he overdosed. Well - what choice would you have? While that is the ultimate worst thing that could happen, you'd still go on because you have a husband and other children. Regroup, work your program. Your addict son is just a part of your life, not all of it. Treat yourself well today.
P.S. - Be careful not to cosign any BS stories about "what his baby's momma put him through." Essentially he relapsed over 20 year old relationship drama. Lame, but all too common.
Relapses are devastating. I am so sorry it happened. I think we all know that horrible let down when our biggest fear becomes reality. Crazily enough, I remember feeling relief. ??? Almost like, whew, I knew it was going to happen and we had gotten it out of the way and over with. Hopefully, he will get back on the horse and try again (as you will). It does seem like they absorb more each time they have a taste of sobriety and they reach out for help more quickly. I hope so. Just know that you did all you could and this is his battle to wage.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Gaby I know how hard this is. It's your son and the bonds are strong. To not enable is like going against your instincts and fighting your own thoughts but im coming to realise that everytime I rescue or cushion im stealing his growth. I've read a book recommended by a member called 'dont let your kids kill you' it may help.
