The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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I am having a melt down! I have court Dec 16 for severe abuse by the ex- alcoholic bf and today, I am having memories of the abuse comming back to me at an alarming rate and I can not stop crying! I had been doing so well, going for therapy and seeing my phycatrist and getting so strong, and now I am a puddle of tears. I can not focus on anything except for the abuse and the memories coming back...I spoke with victim services today and have to see them in so I can prepare for trial. I was advised that I will have to provide details of the abuse..and I feel I am relieving the hell all over again right now! I am angry one minute at what he done and the next moment I am in tears and feel the absolute hopelessness and helplessness I had exprienced at his hands. I am shaking and so messed up! I feel so alone dealing with this nightmare! I am trying to find a way to stay positive but right now, I am so scared, angry, hurt and feeling alone with these emotions! I am at work, as well, and I may have to leave as I can not focus clearly. My work is supportive so that helps. I know this will pass, but today, it has come out in a flood of tears and emotions! I believe i had been holding it in and trying so hard to be strong, and now I have just given up! Any words of support would help!
Do you have a sponsor to call?
Just breathe and know you are not alone.
When I have moments of despair I have found the serenity prayer to bring some comfort
God grant me the serenity to Accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can and
the Wisdom to know the difference
Say it as many times as you like. Feel the love and warmth that surrounds you.
We are here
In love and support
M
any of us who have survived abuse -- well we have our days when we are shakey...when the memories come back in vivid detail..for me, it even invokes a kind of body memory of fear and protection and muscle tension, if that makes sense. Some days I just shut down, and go into walled-up mode.
It's normal to react this way..and we ALL do it. Cut yourself some slack, cry for that person who has been broken, and know that you will put the pieces back together.
I think you will find you will be stronger at those broken places, in time.
You sound like you are in the state I was in last Wednesday. I went to f2f meeting thinking this will help, no I was a complete wreck and made a fool of myself in the meeting talking complete gibberish because I was crying so hard. I think I cried 3 hours straight. Luckily for me, I have a very good friend who seems to know when to contact me (maybe my HP at work) and a mother-in-law who also seems to get a sense that I need her. After I talked out with both my friend and MIL, I felt so much better and finally the crying stopped. By nighttime, I was completely exhausted and went to bed early. I think I had one of the best nights sleep I have had in months and the next morning I awoke a new person and felt like a weight had been lifted. I had an emotional dump. Just like you I have kept everything inside until the damn burst and man did it burst. At one point I couldn't even tell why I was crying, but I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. If you have someone (sponsor, counselor, friend) to talk to I would recommend talking to them, I felt so much better after I got everything out. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, try to gain your serenity back by repeating the Al-anon slogans and serenity prayer. I hope you have a better day.
Of course being at work makes this harder...hold it together as best you can and let the feelings loose when you are in your own cocoon...do you have a friend that can be with you while you let it out so that you feel safe with the intensity of the emotions? Perhaps there is a fear of "what will happen to me when this s*%# flies?" I am happy to listen if you would like to call me. PM me if you want and I will give you my number.
I am so very sorry that you are so hurt at this time. I know that this is not unusual and that it is important for you to find support as you walk through this emotional time. If you have an "Employee Assistance Program " available I suggest you give them a call or if not then the Victim Advocate that you have connected with.
I'm glad you're here and you're not alone. Living with someone or having this intense exposure to someone with this disease does have moments of intensity that overwhelm.
It's ok to feel the feelings and let them pass (they will pass even when they seem to be building permanent residency); I've learned that the negativity comes when I hear the disease talking... it wants us to feel hurt, scared, alone, and hopeless. Letting go of expectations and outcomes can be mega-challenging, but it is doable with the help of Alanon and your HP. Another thing that helps me is to focus on myself- take care of myself and focus on positive steps that I can take.
Joker: I was severely traumatized on more than one occasion. I also had flashbacks that showed up at what I considered to be the wrong places at the wrong time. I can remember leaving my desk multiple times many years ago when the flashbacks started coming and just walking to a stairwell where I worked asking God to help me with them. The memory would leave me and I would return to my desk.
This is what I know about you and what I know about me. We survived those times. I survived the memories and you will, too. I don't have flashbacks anymore. I worked them through and the feelings that accompanied them all. I believe you will, too. This is also what I know about myself - that although horrible things did happen to me, I lived. I not only lived, I began to thrive. I went on to help others. This is what I know about you. Horrible things did happen to you. You lived. You will begin to thrive if you haven't already begun that process. And you will help others in ways that you might never have seen yourself doing it. It's not what happened to you that is what is most important. What's most important is that you survived it. You are the victor and the heroine in this saga. You are a miracle in progress. I'm glad you're here.
Sometimes the best way to deal with trauma, loss, and difficulties is to seriously cry for a while. It means you are at least dealing with it. It's not weak. It's weaker to not be able to cry over things or to never allow yourself to. That's a worse problem and I see it all the time.
