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My SIL is a great enabler and drama queen and my nieces are drama queens too. I have a 13 year old, my brother got custody of his now 14 years old (last year) from her severly addicted mother. The 14 year thrives and lives on drama and chaos and tends to hang with the bottom feeders. My 13 year old does not like it, isn't a big gossip, hangs with the smart kids. BUT they are in the same grade because the 14 year old was "home schooled" and should really be even one more grade behind, but given her age they wouldn't do that to her.
All that said, sometimes the girls don't get along for whatever reason. They aren't huge fights or anything I find concerning. It's a lot of teen drama with the added cousin link on top of it. I don't pay much attention to it. BUT my SIL does and feels the need to be involved in it, share it with me and doesn't let up. Which then affects our relationship and that with my brother (who is drinking again.)
I've asked and then told her to not involve me and to let the girls work things out. Her latest accusation is that my daughter picks on my niece all the time. They have no classes together, same lunch wave but sit with others, I also keep an eye on the social media and texting...point being - I am not seeing it. Not at all. I told her again that I don't want to be involved but she then goes on and on - multiple texts...phone calls...
Don't get me wrong - if I thought it was something serious I would get involved. I don't think it is. I'm about ready to tell her eff off and that's just not going to bode well. It's getting under my skin! She even acknowledges that she knows I want to stay out of it and then persists! Any recommendations?
I have told my son No I will not get involved. Then I don't answer back to any text, calls or emails. He got the message after a while.
You have to do what you think best for yourself and your child's well being. You can't be worried about what others think ( bode well ) because it's not your business.
Take care...
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I think the standard Alanon Slogan is "Live, and let live." For me I ask the question- is this my business?
Should I make it my business?
When should I butt out!
Alanon has taught me a whole lot- what I observe in my family... what I know will take its course...
...last week we had 4 year old and five year old tandrums with two grand-daughters... cousins... I saw this as fairly normal... part of the growing process.
Oldest daughter came round twice and spent time with wife. One of these times I took kids out to the back yard to the swing- to give mother and daughter a bit of space...
...my wife and I don't discuss or rehearse all of this stuff... and thankfully my own career as a drama queen is over!
healthy family, as far as I can see... ...thanks for the share...
I am not sure of the complete family dynamics at play here. Alanon has taught me to "talk things over and reason things out. " I would talk to my daughter about the accusations, and then see if a "sit down " between the girls ,with parents present would be called for . This may or may not end the drama
I think the standard Alanon Slogan is "Live, and let live." For me I ask the question- is this my business?
Should I make it my business?
When should I butt out!
yep, i do the same thing ....if not serious stuff , i wold let it work itself out......sometimes the "adults" fan the flames..keep the drama going adn its just that....drama.........i stay out of ALL stuff that is NOT my business, unless, of course there is a danger or serious legal something or other, i mean i use my commons sense........most crap is not my business, not my problem, and i myob............i think u are doing the right thing.....i think u r doing healthy, alanon thing..........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I Have Found myself in Simular cituations with my Neices & Nephews, and I to have a Drama Queen SIL that is Over Zelus with the Texting & Calls and Trys Draggin Me Right in the Middle of things that Are really NOT "Things" at all that Are worthy of My time! What Al-Anon taught me...
1) When the Texts Go in the Directions of More Drama... STOP RESPONDING... Responding Makes me apart of it, if I Ignore them Long Enough they Quit!
2) Just because the Phone Rings Does not Mean I have to Answer it... Its My Choice... (Thank God for Caller ID)
3) If I Do Answer a Call, It is My Right at ANY Moment to Kindly say! Oh, I'm Sorry, I have another Call Coming in, I have to go! Or I'm Sorry this Really isn't any of my Business, Or I'm Sorry I have to Run I have a Ton to Get done today... All of Which Will End the Call Kindly and will then Teach them that I will not Tolerate this Behavior which in turn Leaves Me Out of it!
Hope this Helps... Please Take what you like & Leave the Rest...
Thank you all! I think ignore and ignore and ignore are probably best. My SIL knows I want to stay out of it - acknowledges it - then tries to drag me back into it. So, I'm going to ignore. If there is something serious - I have a GREAT relationship with my daughter and she would say something. As far as she was concerned last night - they aren't fighting and they are fine...which is what she said last time when it was another teen drama niece started issue (non-issue!)
I hated my parents being in the middle of my stuff with friends at that age. Unless there was real danger to me - which happened once in high school - it really wasn't their business. Although they often saw me as the victim and the other child as the aggresser, truth was that I had a part to play in the negative dynamics that went on between me and friends. It would have been more helpful to me if I could have just talked it out with them and asked for feedback without them getting actually involved either with a negative opinion of the other(causing trouble for me, etc) or of me (that I couldn't handle myself in relationship to the friend). It would have also been helpful if they could see me as capable of doing things that might have hurt or aggravated the friend and talked with me about that possibility.
I also work with families and notice that when parents get involved in squabbles, it just makes matters worse for the kids. My experience has also been that kids will tell only those parts of the story that have to do with what the "other kid" did and not what "they did." Unless there is a big showdown during a family event or at school where they get in trouble with teachers, etc - I'm with you on staying out of it when it comes to the kids and their difficulties with each other. But, that's me. It sounds as if your SIL, like you, cares for her child. Unlike you, she seems to think it is her job to intervene. Perhaps different ways to look at the same issue?
1) When the Texts Go in the Directions of More Drama... STOP RESPONDING... Responding Makes me apart of it, if I Ignore them Long Enough they Quit!
2) Just because the Phone Rings Does not Mean I have to Answer it... Its My Choice... (Thank God for Caller ID)
3) If I Do Answer a Call, It is My Right at ANY Moment to Kindly say! Oh, I'm Sorry, I have another Call Coming in, I have to go! Or I'm Sorry this Really isn't any of my Business, Or I'm Sorry I have to Run I have a Ton to Get done today... All of Which Will End the Call Kindly and will then Teach them that I will not Tolerate this Behavior which in turn Leaves Me Out of it!
(((Jozie))) Oh yea, LOVE the "responding makes me part of it" and it also keeps the drama dialogue open...this is also good for when u have decided "no contact" w/ so and so b/c they are toxic....NO response..there is nothing they can do with that
and oh yea, Thank you God for caller ID.....EVERYONE whom i wish to speak to has either a picture or a clear name so i know whom i am talking with....the others??? if their pic and name aint on??? means i am out of the pocket......
my A brother, the closer one to me, sometimes calls when he is drunk...not often, he does try to respect boundaries. but he slips...no worries...i have the instant and loving "cure".....when he calls and i know he is "juiced" i just say "hey i answered the call to make sure you are ok, but i gotta go.....I am waaay late calling someone else." OR the old standby "hey i am glad u r ok, but someone is at the door and i gotta go".......he never gets mad at that....he is glad that i cared enough to validate he was "ok" and i exited really nice.....i used to cry and plead w/him about his drinking......now i let it go......turned him over.........creator loves him too, but he has to want to heal b4 anything can happen......it is out of my hands...
the drama queens and kings??? i distance myself...yea, i will , if i don't entirely want to disconnect , speak with them but if they venture into territory that is NOT my biz or prob. I am exiting...what i do is just tell them....."hey its not my business...I will say a prayer for them/him/her but I am not getting involved b/c it is not my arena of control" if they argue i just say "gotta go"
Jozie you and I are on the same page on this one....I don't feel so cold now...if someone as totally loving as you are does the same thing, than I am not the cold heart i have been accused of.....
hugs
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
